I need Anadin.I'm at home, a place where I should feel relaxed. But I'm not. I have so many things I should be doing, but I keep putting them off because they frighten me.
Take for example, the boiler. It keeps failing, and has been doing so for about a week. I should have rung the plumber on Monday, but I didn't, nor did I on Tuesday, Wednesday or yesterday. I've only just done it today. And even then, I rang his office because I knew he wouldn't be there. I left a message. Unfortunately, he rang me back within five minutes.
That's just the tip of the iceberg.
I hate going out, I just feel so uncomfortable in view of the wider world. Anything could happen, and it probably will.
So, if I don't like going out and I'm at home, why do I not relax here in these four walls? I just can't relax because the things I have to do, making contacts with the outside world keep playing on my mind.
I'm going to see Marlene in ten minutes. I'll go the back way, through the wood and fields, get caked in mud, but it's better than going on the bus. I don't have to see anyone. And if anyone does cross my path, they'll see me wearing my iPod, know I can't hear them and leave me alone.
Result.
But I still have to do it. I don't like to, I don't want to, but I can't say, "No." Well, I can say that, but not very often.
Yes, I've been bad, doctor, won't you do with me what you can. I think about it all the time...
I wish I could stay at home, have nothing to do except the things that I want to do, not worry about outside influences and just relax. I'd love to sit in this afternoon, but I can't. I'd love to stay in all afternoon and all evening, paint something or knit myself a nice cardy. But I can't. If I give in to myself now, I know I'll never get a grip.
9 comments:
i kinda know what you mean. I've got so many things I want to do but I don't want to go out. I only go out when I have to. If someone invites me to go for a drink I usually invent a reason not to, simply because recently I don't like being around strangers.
I wonder if it's mild agoraphobia or if I'm just an antisocial cunt.
You've never struck me as antisocial. Do you think you're agoraphobic?
Well, I imagine agoraphobia is like when I let my cats out. They cower on the ground and are really nervous. I'm not like that but I definitely prefer being in my house as to being outside.
And I hate crowded places with a passion. I feel like "windmilling" my way out of shopping centres and places like that.
I can relate completely...
Shane, Alan, are we normal? Is it normal to feel this way? Or does society tell us that going out, being free-spirited without a care in the world is noral - when it isn't?
well, define "normal" in this day and age. I think that with the advent of the net we're as social as ever... it's just that we don't feel the need to meet in real life. We're still as social as ever. But maybe the net is conditioning us to be this way. I wonder what lies in the future if this continues.
We'll all be hooked up to a matrix and live our lives submerged in a tank of salt water.
It's now quarter past ten on a Saturday night and I haven't left the flat at all today. And it doesn't bother me either, I like my own company - I'm good fun lol....
But I did want to go out to buy Futurama season 4 on DVD. I simply could not be arsed.
Thank gawd for Ebay. I don't need a life when I've got broadband.
You've certainly got lots of toys to play with, you dirty bitch.
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