Thursday, March 16, 2006


I pinched this from Alan's Blog and replaced his answers with my own. His responses are far funnier and much more interesting than mine. Check his out here.

1. If you were to choose a new name for yourself, what would it be?

Lucy Knuff

2. If you were given an extra £10 in change at Molton Brown, what would you do with it and why?

I'd spend it on fags because I'm predictable.

3. What's the biggest lesson you've learnt from your past relationships?

That most men are cunts.

4. What's one of your worst habits?

Picking my nose or biting my nails.

5. What was the best day of the past week for you - why?

Monday - because everyone is pissed off at the new working week and I'm laying in bed deciding if I should get up or listen to Woman's Hour.

6. What are you wearing today which is most reflective of who you are
White CK briefs because I'm a sexy little mother fucker.

7. Choose a unique item from your wallet and explain why you carry it around.

My credit card - because I'm sometimes broke.

8. If you could change one thing about your physical appearance what would it be and why?

I'd have a hair transplant because bald is not beautiful.

9. Share one of your most embarrassing moments.

I once sent a really good friend a picture of me doing a wee-wee by mistake.

10. If you were given a million pounds and 24 hours to spend it on, (no depositing it in the bank or investing it) what would you buy?

I'd buy a solid gold toilet and pay someone to wipe my arse.


My Mum's been up for a week with her little friend, Pat.

We've had a fabulous time, visiting historical hots
pots in Edinburgh, like the castle and The Palace of Holyroodhouse, shopping until we dropped and generally having a fun time.

We also took a wee trip to Inverness from where we went on an excursion to Urquhart Castle, took a wee cruise on Loch Ness (didn't see the monster) and made our presence felt in Drumnadrochit at the Loch Ness Monster Visitor Centre. While in Inverness, we stayed at the Royal Highland Hotel. It was fabulous, namely because the famous staircase on the Titanic was based on the staircase at this wonderful hotel. We did lots of rôle play. I was Rose and either my Mum or Pat was Jack.

I've had a really nice time with Pat and Mother. I really miss my Mum - but I'm lucky in that although she's going back to Bournemouth tomorrow, I'm going too. I'll spend two weeks with her, travelling on to Guernsey and Plymouth before returning to Edinburgh. I wish she was coming back with me.

Mum's legs, hips and back get worse and worse. Each time I see her, she's in more pain and has more difficulty walking, so much so, that this time, she ended up in an old-biddy-buggy at Urquhart Caslte. Still, she had a good laugh in it (when she nearly crashed and nearly ran two Japanese tourists over) as did Pat and I.

I don't think I'll be able to blog for about a fortnight. I've really missed it this week while Mum's been up and I know I'll miss it even more desperately over the next two weeks.

Incidentally, The Body Acoustic by Cyndi Lauper arrived today. It's fekkin' fabulous. Everyone should own a copy of this CD. Play it and think of Minge.

Friday, March 10, 2006


This week, according to iTunes, I have mostly been listening to:

You Won't Forget About Me (radio edit) - Dannii Minogue
Jump - Madonna
Someday I'll Find You - Shola Ama/Craig Armstrong
Forbidden Love - Madonna
Get Together - Madonna
Don't Wanna Lose This Groove - Dannii Minogue
Voyage Voyage - Desireless
An Architect's Dream - Kate Bush
Female Trouble - Edith Massey
I Don't Wanna Be Your Friend - Cyndi Lauper

I've just been listening to Above The Clouds on Cyndi's website. It's wonderful.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006


It's Jean Pierre's birthday today. Happy birthday, honey!


Thought for the day:

When you point the finger, there are three fingers pointing back at you.

But enough of that. You want another word. This time, it's: dove. You should have three words now. Make sure you've written them all down. We're nearly getting to the end...!


I was just updating my iPod and noticed it's two thirds full. Yikes! What am I going to do if I fill it up? So I started looking at things I could remove and have been considering burning lots of tracks to CD.

I saw things I'd forgotten I had, saw things that made me smile and things that make me sad. Also, looking through the songs, I was inspired to make a list of my top ten albums, not for any reason, just for the hell of it:

  1. Pet Shop Boys - Behaviour
  2. Billie Ray Martin - 18 Carat Garbage
  3. Madonna - Ray Of Light
  4. Madonna - Confessions On A Dancefloor
  5. Pet Shop Boys - PopArt
  6. Kylie Minogue - Light Years
  7. Saint Etienne - Finisterre
  8. Army Of Lovers - Glory, Glamour and Gold
  9. Kate Bush - Aerial
  10. Dolly Parton - Little Sparrow
Not very interesting, is it!?!? It'll probably change tomorrow, anyway.


I've just been looking at Statcounter...

Apparently, these are the keywords which bring people to my blog:

Num Perc.Search Term
drill down233.33%daz sampson teenage life meaning
drill down116.67%ain't got no money shoes skirt sweater perfume mind free
drill down116.67%england 16?? minge
drill down116.67%jade goodie shaves
drill down116.67%daz sampson eurovision download

6 100.00%

Jade Goodie shaves??? Vile.


I woke up this morning with a mouth like a cardboard box, feeling like I had the flu. I was depressed. What could possibly cheer me up?

A trip to the DVD cupboard soon gave me the answer. A good dose of Polyester.

I don't feel much better, but I am happier.

Polyester is an amazing movie, a melodrama, a trash-fest, a comedy. The original desperate housewife, Francine Fishpaw, as played by Divine, is in the midst of crisis after crisis. To say her family is dysfunctional would be the understatement of the year, if not the century. Her husband farts in bed and is having an affair with his secretary, as played by Mink Stole. Her daughter only goes out with punks and her son has a foot-stomping fetish. To top it all, her Mother is an utter bitch. Her only friend in the world, Cuddles, her former cleaner, as played by Edith Massey saves her - in every way a woman can be saved! Also, check out the Edith Massey Yahoo!group. Oh, and the Mink Stole Yahoo!group.

The daughter gets pregnant so Francine throws her into a home for unmarried Mothers. Check out one of the nuns - it's Mary Vivian Pearce! Francine can sure sniff out trouble, and once she's kicked the booze, everything's perfect. Or is it? You'll have to watch it to find out.

This film is so twisted, it makes me feel normal. I'll have to do something about that.

What a wonderful movie. It certainly deserves a standing ovulation!


Monday, March 06, 2006


Think about everything.

Now, ask yourself this:

Was it really worth it?

Saturday, March 04, 2006


I've just watched Making Your Mind Up on BBC1. We're sending Daz Sampson to Athens in May to represent us in the Eurovision Song Contest!

To be honest, Daz was the best of a bad bunch. I had a hunch he would win, even up against the likes of Antony Costa and Kym Marsh. So what gave him the edge? In my humble opinion, his was the only memorable song among the lot of them. The rest were instantly forgettable. The Lyrics to Teenage Life are ridiculous, but the song is so catchy, you can't help but prick up your ears. Of course, I was humming it within minutes of the show being over whilst walking the dogs - and something hit me. No, not a nun on a motorbike... The song, in parts, sounds like Dido's Thank You. If you get to hear it, please let me know if you agree in the comments. Is it just me? I don't think so.

Will we win in Athens? No. I'd put money on it. We really have to start trying much harder. Who picks the six finalists for Making Your Mind Up and are they deaf, blind and mute? Why are no big stars up for the job? Too afraid of failure? I guess so.

I'd love to see Madonna and Kylie do a duet for Eurovision with the music provided by Pet Shop Boys. Very eurodisco. Would we win then? You betcha!

At least we're sending someone with something original. Practically all of last year's entries were horribly formulaic. Every song seemed to be a cross between Sertab's Every Way That I Can and Russlana's Wild Dances.

I've no idea what the quality of the songs will be this year, but I'm not hopeful.

Click here to see a list of past winners. Who will be added to the list for 2006?

Friday, March 03, 2006


I've just read that John Travolta will be taking on the part of Edna Turnblad (as previously played by Divine) in the new musical version of the movie Hairspray!

Click here to read the full story.

First off, I thought this was awful, but, hey, I'm so fickle, now I think it's fabulous! I thought John Travolta was some kind of religious nut. I had no idea he'd ever contemplate wearing a dress or appearing in a John Waters film. John Waters is behind this latest version of the movie, right!? Answers on a postcard, please...!


Just visited One Word (thanks Voix and Brian).

It's fun - and quite simple. You're given a single word and have sixty secods to write about it. I'd copy and paste my effort here, but it's too gross.


We're going on an ANH - an all nippon holiday!

Booked this lunchtime...!

I can't believe it! I'm so excited, I'm a wee bit erect! No, really!

I just don't know what to do with myself. I think I might have to breathe into a paper bag!

Air tickets for travel

From To Flight Date Dep. Arr.

Edinburgh Copenhagen SK9735 05/SEP/06 07:05 09:55
Copenhagen Tokyo Narita SK983 05/SEP/06 15:45 09:35 1Day Later
Tokyo Narita Copenhagen SK984 26/SEP/06 11:45 16:15
Copenhagen Edinburgh SK9738 26/SEP/06 19:45 20:40

Air tickets for travel

From To Flight Date Dep. Arr.

Tokyo Haneda Okinawa JL1927 06/SEP/06 15:50 18:20
Okinawa Tokyo Haneda JL1900 11/SEP/06 08:30 10:50



This week, according to iTunes, I have mostly been listening to:

It should have been me - Yvonne Fair
One more try (Rollo & Sister Bliss radio edit) - Kristine W
Someday I'll find you - Shola Ama/Craig Armstrong
You won't forget about me - Dannii Minogue
Fighting spirit - Madonna
I don't want to be your friend - Cyndi Lauper
Future lovers - Madonna
Get together - Madonna
Sorry (PSB Maxi-mix) - Madonna
I don't want to talk about it - Everything But The Girl

It's been a bit of a Madge week.


It's been snowing!


I have been out for a couple of walks with the dogs since it stopped and it's totally fabulous. I love the way the freshly laid snow creaks under foot. Mary loves to eat it. Meg has no interest in it whatsoever.

I'd make a snowman, but I'd feel a complete tit.

Thursday, March 02, 2006


I sat in the garden today, in the sunshine, wondering what my favourite line is from all the books that I've read over the years.

I soon came to a conclusion.

It's nothing highbrow or scientific, it isn't a classic and it's not something your English Literature master might have encouraged you to read. It's George's Marvellous Medicine by Road Dahl. The line? Oh yes, it's this (a description of George's Grandmother):

She had pale brown teeth and a small puckered up mouth, just like a dog's bottom.

That line never ceases to raise a smile on my face.


Now I'm a certain age, I can see things for what they really are and feel I'm able to talk, with experience, about life, death, success, failure, love, hate, fact, fiction, hope, fear, rise and fall. I can talk about finding a niche in life, where we belong, opportunism, running away, sticking with things, being true to yourself, knowing what's inside your heart, what's inside your head, how to make a success of life and how to totally fuck it up. I can talk about grace, emptiness, hardship, ecstasy, relationships, notoriety, solitude, secrets, what's forbidden and what's allowed. I know about compromise, being used, using people, sex, secrets, beauty, ugliness, selfishness, control, freedom and religion.

I'm not religious at all, but I've always found this prayer very useful:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I've never found this prayer useful at all:

Hail Mary
Full of Grace
The Lord is with thee
Blessed art thou among women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus
Holy Mary
Mother of God
Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of death

I've seen life's highs and lows and feel able to give advice, based not on intuition, but on facts. I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet here, I'd rather be an innocent child seeking advice than a middle aged man, giving it. I suppose we all come to this realisation when we're in our middle years, right!?

Now here's the rub: when I was sixteen, I neither sought nor took advice from older people - so what sixteen year old is either going to listen to me or seek my advice? Experience of life may teach you many things, but the only person to learn by these successes and mistakes is you! The paradox, then, is that by the time you've learnt how to do it, it's too late. When you know how to live life, you've either done it, or it's over.

Life is pointless.