Wednesday, May 31, 2006


Nous sommes, ici, in Winton, Bournemouth, paying two bloody quid to post on the blog!

We've been to the beach (I just farted), Salisbury, and today we're going into Bournemouth town centre.

I don't know what else to say.

It's my niece's birthday on Saturday. She's having a fancy dress party. I'm going as Our Glorious Leader. Ian still doesn't know what he's going as. We're going to have to decide - and soon. If you have any ideas, please leave a comment or text me on 07841 831579. I thought it might be fun for Phyllis to go as Donna DeLory, but no-one will know who she is.

My birthday falls on the day of the party, which is kind of fabulous. I'll be twenty eight. I hope to get a fabulous farmhouse style birthday cake. I'd use the word rustic, but that's been done to a death since the nineties and is now officially naff. Rustic just means not very good these days. Farmhouse style sounds totally fabulous: perhaps a little rough around the edges, something a farmer's wife might knock up one wet afternoon. That's very sexist, I know. But it's a fact. How many farmers do you know who bake cakes while their wives go out ploughing the fields? Not many, I'm sure. And if they did, they'd not be voting Tory. I don't know how many farmers and their partners vote Tory, but my impression is that most do. I know, Farmers are totally fucked up, but that's a whole other kettle of fish. I don't think many farmers go fishing. But that's another kettle of fish, too. Other kettles of fish include the price of fish, whether or not to eat oysters raw and if cod should be fished from the North Sea. See how many kettles of fish there are!?!? It's totally amazing.

What's your favourite kettle of fish?

I might not get to make another entry before going home, which will be on Sunday. It'll be sad to go home on Sunday, actually. It's to be the nicest day of the year, here, so far, perhaps twenty five degrees centigrade. In Edinburgh, that day, we're to expect all of fiteen degrees which is shit, innit!?

I'm wearing white pants today. For you Americans, that's my underpants, not my trousers. I'm also wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a polo top. Spookily, I'm also wearing shoes and socks.

I bet you're sat there reading this in the altogether. I don't really mind this, just so long as you're not touching yourself inappropriately while reading Minge. I'd shudder at the thought.

Thank you and goodnight.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Bournemouth (part II)

Hello hens!

Here I am in Bournemouth, Dorset!

I've had a fabulous time so far, spent mostly at the bingo! We've been four times already and only won twice. Still, we're about thirty quid up, so I shouldn't complain.

I went to see an old friend from school in the week, Paul Page. Well, she's Paula Bath now, having married since leaving school (not like she was likely to do so before leaving) and had six children. Yes! Six! She's been a very busy girl indeed. I met two of her daughters a couple of days ago, Adelle and Rachel, Sadly, Adelle is blind in one eye and has to wear a patch on her good eye in an attempt to get the blind eye working again. It must be a living hell for her, and some endurance, but endure it she does, with a skip in her step, a smile on her face and a glow in her heart.

I'd post some pictures of my adventures here, but sadly, I can't. Like I said, I'm in an internet cafe and have no cable for my camera, so uploading is not an option. I doubt you'd be allowed to do so, anyway.

I've been watching Big Brother on TV. It's fabulous. Pete is my favourite. I'm pretty sure he's going to win. I've been missing Big Brother's Big Mouth, but was able to see it repeated on Channel 4 last night. They exclusively revealed that Pete is hung like a donkey. If that's not reason enough alone for him to win, I don't know what is.

I see Shahbaz had walked. Don't know if that's good or bad. Sure, he might have been annoying, especially if you're locked up with him 24/7, but there was no excuse for the way practically all of the other housemates treated him. I've never seen such vile bullying in all my life. Oh, and Shahbaz has seen Female Trouble! How do I know this? He quoted the movie, Taffy, actually, when he said to the vile Sewer, "I wouldn't suck your lousy dick if I was suffocating and there was oxygen in your balls!"


Wednesday, May 24, 2006


I am in Bournemouth.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

MacArthur Park

Spring was never waiting for us dear
It ran one step ahead

As we followed in the dance

MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark

All the sweet, green icing flowing down

Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it

And I'll never have that recipe again

Oh, nooooo

I recall the yellow cotton dress

Foaming like a wave
On the ground beneath your knees

The birds like tender babies in your hands

And the old men playing chinese checkers by the trees

MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark

All the sweet green icing flowing down

Someone left the cake out in the rain

I don't think that I can take it

'Cause it took so long to bake it

And I'll never have that recipe again

Oh, nooooo

MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark

All the sweet green icing flowing down

Someone left my cake out in the rain

I don't think that I can take it

'Cause it took so long to make it

And I'll never have that recipe again

Oh, nooooo

Is this the best song ever in the history of the entire universe?

And Donna Summer does it so much better than Richard Harris.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Paul and Heather

I see Paul McCartney and Heather Mills are going to split.

Could it be something to do with the fact that Stella McCartney got her mate, the fabulous Kate Moss to stub her cigarette out on Heather's wooden leg?


Here's a joke for you:

Q. What's got three legs and runs around on a farm in Sussex?

A. Heather and Paul McCartney.

Oh! As part of their divorce settlement, Paul McCartney is going to give Heather Mills a plane. She'll be able to shave both legs now.

It's Prodi time

The Sausage has finally been sworn in as Italy's Prime Minister.


And only five weeks after the general election.

I hope this now means Silvio Berlusconi can finally be tried for his many, ahem, alleged crimes.

At what point can the world bet Dubya for his many crimes, perpetrated all around the world?

I see his and the Republican Party's latest scam is to put limits on the number of new immigrants, send existing illegal immigrants home or similar dastardly measures. I say this to you, Mr Bush. Did the native Americans put limits on the numbers of white men arriving on the shores of North America in the seventeenth century? How about if they decided to send all the white people home?


is interesting.

Vote Minge!

It seems you can vote for Minge!

Click here to see for yourself.

It's fabulous.


I'd like to be a rebel

I'd like to be a rebel. I really would. And I was. Once.

It was back in the early nineties. I should remember the date, but I don't. I don't even remember the year. Some things are best forgotten. Some things, you try to forget, but can't. I'd forget the whole episode if it weren't for my few seconds of glory, the few seconds I felt in control.

I was involved in an armed robbery at my place of work, a building society. A customer came in several times throughout the day and finally made an appointment to see one of us about a mortgage and savings plan, He came in at four o'clock and went through to the back office with one of my colleagues. It was a routine affair and should have taken no longer than fifteen minutes. At half past four, I started to get worried, so made some lame excuse to go through the interview room, just to see what was going on. My colleague and the customer were talking over basics, the same basic things I'd heard them discussing ten minutes previously. Another ten minutes went by. I stood at the door to listen. They were still talking about a mortgage application. I guessed he was nothing but a timewaster...

At five o'clock, the guy was still in the back office with my pal. It was time for us to go home. I bagged up the cash in the tills, locked the front door and turned the lights off in the banking hall. Next, I took the money bags through into the interview room to put them in the safe.

As I passed the customer, he stood up, put a knife to my throat and bent me over the safe.

I heard a sound and thought my colleague had passed out. She hadn't. She'd just dropped her coffee cup.

This was no standard armed robbery. They usually shout and it's all over in less than two minutes.

This went on for an hour. He was very calm and collected. He knew exactly what he was doing.

I'm still bent over the safe and can feel his erect penis against me. The very thought of it still makes me feel like vomiting. I'm told that a lot of men get erections in very acute situations. It doesn't mean they're sexually excited. I wasn't to know that at the time. I thought he was going to rape me. This thought was exacerbated by the fact that he then told us both to remove our clothes.

No rape took place.

We were made to remove our clothing in order to give him more time in his escape. We were hardly in a position to chase him down the street without a stitch on.

He told me to take all the money out of the safe, which I did, and put it in his hold-all. Bizarrely, he took a compliments slip from the desk and popped that in his bag, too.

Get the video tape out of the machine and give it to me," he instruced.
"Please!" I said.
"Please," came his response.

That was my moment of glory, my moment of power. He'd walked all over me and made me feel like nothing, but this was mine. He certainly didn't take everything from me. Without this, I'd have given up a long time ago. He didn't take all of me. I stood up to him. And he knew it.

You might think that this is something and nothing. But it was a huge deal to me. I'm crap and standing up to people at the best of times, but in this situation, it was nothing short of a miracle.

The guy got away, we called the police and he was soon apprehended. He didn't have a getaway car. He was going to go on the bus. He was opening a bundle of fifty pound notes when the police found him. I expect he was hoping the bus driver would have change.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006


It's been a day of ebay madness today.

You can tell I'm Scottish. It's five pence a throw today, so I went in, head first, and I've now got seventy items up for sale. I'll do anything for a bargain. Yes, anything.

Late into the evening, and with Cher in my lap, well, two of her CDs, anyway, I found myself putting Strong Enough up for sale. It's a two CD set, if you're curious. I play all the CDs before putting them up for sale, just in case they're duffers. I needn't have worried tonight though. Not a duffer in sight. But there were other surprises! I found that Sylvia Mason James, whom Pet Shop Boys often use as a backing singer, is the backing singer on Strong Enough! How fabulous is that!?

The most fabulous surprise of the night, though, was this... One of the mixes of Strong Enough is called male version. It's been a very long time since I played it, and was curious as to what a male version of the song could be. Was Cher singing in bass or baritone? Did she wear a suit and tie while recording it? Was Cher actually a man? The answer to all of these questions, is, no. Sadly.

Here's the answer. This is the opening segment of the standard version of the song:

I don't need your sympathy
There's nothing you can say or do for me
And I don't want a miracle
You'll never change for no-one

I hear your reasons why
Where did you sleep last night?
And was she worth it, was she worth it?

And this is the opening segment of the male version:

I don't need your sympathy
There's nothing you can say or do for me
And I don't want a miracle
You'll never change for no-one

I hear your reasons why
Where did you sleep last night?
And was he worth it, was he worth it?

Yes, that's right. Cher's lover has run off with a man!

Of course, this begs the question, is Cher's lover a man who's run off with a man or a woman who's run off with a man? And why would Cher record this male version? Does any of this matter?

Probably not.

So, why would Cher record a different version of her hit song, changing the she to a he? Pandering to her army of gay fans? I don't know. But I expect so.

There's another song where women sing about their lover running off with a man. Look at the lyrics of Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye, sung, most notably, by The Supremes (post Ross) and Bananarama (during the Fahey days):

Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye
He'll never love you, the way that I love you
'Cause if he did, no no, he wouldn't make you cry
He might be thrillin' baby but a-my love (my love, my love)
So dog-gone willin'
So kiss him (I wanna see you kiss him, wanna see you kiss him)
Go on and kiss him goodbye

Na na na na, hey hey-hey, goodbye
Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye
Listen to me now
He's never near you to comfort and cheer you
When all those sad tears are fallin' baby from your eyes
He might be thrillin' baby but a-my love (my love, my love)
So dog-gone willin'
So kiss him (I wanna see you kiss him. I wanna see you kiss him)
Go on and kiss him goodbye

Na-na na-na-na na na na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye
Hey hey-hey, goodbye
Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye
Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye
Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye

What's it all about?

Secret coded messages of support for the gay community? I don't think so. It's not exactly pro-man-on-man-love-action is it, moaning about some person, we presume to be male, running off with a bloke...!?


It's also been discussed here.

I try to make sense of it, but I don't get anywhere. What do YOU think?


Today is 5p listing day on ebay, cheap day.

I'm being a very busy Minge.

Check out my frikkin' items.

Go on, you know you want to.

Monday, May 15, 2006

The wrong man

The wrong man, indeed. A mix up on BBC News 24 meant a guy coming to the corporation for a job interview was interviewed - LIVE ON AIR! And not for a job, but on the Apple v Apple court case.

It's hilarious. Read the news item here and then play the video. His face, in the opening shots, is a picture.

Golden Pen Award.

I'm a very lucky boy, and very honoured.

I'm the first ever recipient of the Golden Pen Award. It's in recognition of service to the literary community.

The promotion of Haiku Saturday is a duty one should perform without reward. Though I am grateful for the award and appreciate it. I feel blessed.

I have to thank Brian so much for this.

I'll treasure it, always.

If you don't love me...

Since compiling my list for Disco, I've been somewhat obsessed with If you don't love me by Prefab Sprout. I've played it over and over.

Do you think, if someone said they loved you, and they didn't, you'd know?

Good idea. Why don't I steal it? Part IV

Zona Boy has been sending postcards...

I might be going to Bournemouth on the weekend for two weeks. However, if Mary's not well enough to travel or needs to be seeing the vet, I'll stay here.

I'll be away for my birthday. And for my niece's birthday! Remember? I'm going to her fancy-dress birthday party - as Our Glorious Leader!

Anyway, if you want a postcard from Bournemouth, please email me your address.

I don't know how to bung an email link in here (anyone?) but you can do so from my profile.

Good idea. Why don't I steal it? Part III

Ok, Elisabeth recently had a post on her blog entitled The top ten reasons why it's great being Claire's Mom.

Elisabeth, you're my inspiration.

The top ten reasons why it's great to be an outrageous poof:

10. All the rooms in your home are tastefully decorated
9. You have all of Nigella Lawson's cookbooks
8. You know not to wear polka dots and stripes together
7. No-one's ever going to ask you to join a PTA
6. You can comment on the use of condoms from, ahem, both sides of the debate
5. You get to say, "Fabulous!" a lot
4. Your Mother can sleep well at nights without worrying you're getting someone pregnant
3. You don't need the lyric prompt when singing "I will survive" at a karaoke party
2. You only have to endure children for minutes, not years
1. The sex is brilliant

The ongoing John Barrowman/circumcision debate

Look what I found! Click here.

What is it about John Barrowman and his lovely cock?

Lovely? Did I just type that? This blog is full of Freudian slips.

I love it.

Good idea. Why don't I steal it? Part II

I'm nicking someone else's idea again...

Lucas/Petite Flower recently wrote on her blog about poo. Sticky poo, actually.

I suffer from IBS and usually have the trots or constipation. Today, o joy of joys, I did a normal poo.

If you want to see it, click here.

I'd upload the photograph into my blog, but it might gross people out so much that they'd never come back. I don't want this. This way, you, dear reader, get a choice.

Sunday, May 14, 2006


I've been thinking about making another list.

Here it is.

If I was to ask a DJ to spin some tracks at one of my candlelit suppers, a soirée or a fabulous disco, I'd have to ask for the following:

Spagna - Call me
Ride Committee - Love to do it
Dario G - Dream to me (radio edit)
Deee-Lite - Groove is in the heart
Army Of Lovers - Let the sunshine in (extended version)
Prefab Sprout - If you don't love me
Tarkan - Simarik
Sister Slegde - Lost in music (sure is pure remix edit)
Lieutenant Pigeon - Mouldy old dough
Kiki Kokover - Love to love you baby
Rufus - Eighties coming back
Cerrone - Supernature
Pet Shop Boys - Left to my own devices
Diana Ross - Chain reaction
Sugababes - Push the button
Liza Minnelli - Losing my mind
Spagna - I always dream about you
Kylie Minogue - Better the devil you know
Giorgio Moroder/Phil Oakey - Together in electric dreams
Stephanie McKay - From New York to LA
Gwynneth Paltrow - Bette Davis eyes
Dr Robert & Kym Mazelle - Wait
Bananarama - Love in the first degree
Dana International - Megamix
Beatmasters featuring PP Arnold - Burn it up
Donna Summer - Bad girls
Donna Summer - MacArthur Park
Mel 'n' Kim - Respectable
Bodies Without Organs - Living in a fantasy (radio edit)
Bent - Magic love
Our Glorious Leader - Hung up
Billie Trix - Run girl run (1981 post apocalyptic nightmare mix)
Voyage - From east to west
Savage - Don't cry tonight
Billie Ray Martin - Honey (Queen B radio edit)
Scissor Sisters - Comfortably numb
Garbage - You look so fine
Sarah Brightman - Starship troopers (D-bops's saturday night radio edit)
The Flirts - Helpless
Sandra - Forever (straight 4 u radio edit)
The communards - Never can say goodbye
Blockhead - Blockhead
Sertab - Every way that I can
Wes - Alane (radio mix)
Sabrina - Boys (summertime love)
Paul Van Dyk featuring Saint Etienne - Tell me why (the riddle)
Tina Charles - I love to love
Chicane featuring Mason - Strong in love
Alison Moyet - Whispering your name
Bronski Beat featuig Eartha Kitt - Cha-cha heels
Thunderpuss featuring Edith Massey - Female trouble
Oh Romeo - Try it (I'm in love with a married man)
Army Of Lovers featuring Big Money - Lit De Parade (video edit)
Divine - You think you're a man
Bananarama - Look on the floor (hypnotic tango)
Tina Arena - Symphony for life
Belle and the Devotions - Love games
The Blow Monkeys - Digging your scene
Desireless - Voyage voyage
The Pipettes - It hurts to see you dance so well
Goldfrapp - Ooh la la
Quartz Lock featuring Lonnie Gordon - Love eviction
Cyndi Lauper - That's what I think
Riva featuring Dannii Minogue - Who do you love now?
Brother Beyond - The harder I try
Celine Dion - I'm alive (the wake up mix)
Gwen Stefani - What you waiting for?
Cher - Believe
Gloria Gaynor - I am what I am
Ofra Haza - Im nin alu 2000
2raumwohnung - Liebe ohne ende
Kelis - Milkshake
Joe Tex - Ain't gonna bump no more (with no big fat woman)
Dusty Springfield - In private
Inner City - Hallelujah '92
Gudrun Gut featuring Inga Humpe - Butterfly
Kim Appleby - Don't worry
Holly Johnson - Love train
Dead Or Alive - You spin me round (like a record) (original version)
Gibson Brothers - Que sera mi vida (if you should go)
O-zone - Dragostea din tei
Inga Humpe - Something stupid (seven inch)
Sophie Lawrence - Love's unkind (7")
Miquel Brown - Close to perfection
The Human League - Tell me when
Soft Cell - What!
Matia Bazar - Ti sento
Sophie B Hawkins - Right beside you
Nu Shooz - I can't wait
Me&My - Baby boy
Sonia - Only fools (never fall in love)
Jane Birkin - Élisa

Looks like it'll be an all-nighter.

The trouble is, with choosing music for a disco, some people will love some of the tracks and hate others. Some people will hate it all. Hardly anyone, bar the person choosing the tracks, will love everything.

I know it's a vile old cliché, but you can't please all of the people all of the time.

Blog on blog action

My blog has turned up on someone else's blog.

How does that happen?

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Whit a day!

I'll make it brief as I'm off to bed.

The day started with all good intentions... Now that we've got the units in the lounge, we can fill them. So, boxes that were stored in the spare room were emptied and sorted. But you know what it's like when you sort/tidy - you get in a bigger mess before you reach that point of tidiness you so desired.

We were at that half way point when I noticed Mary licking her inner thigh. She'd been doing it all day, but I hadn't paid much attention because, without being too graphic, she'd had an upset tummy earlier that morning. After a close examination, I found she had a huge hole in her leg!

We took her to the emergency vet and to cut a long story short, she was soon fixed up.

We came back home, the place was still (and is still) in a mess, but there was no time to tidy. We had to prepare our evening meal and watch Doctor Who! Get your priorities right!

Shortly after eating, I got the shakes, felt sick, had hot flushes... Was I going into labour?

No, not the now.

I still have some anti sickness tablets given to me after my operation. I took a couple and it soon passed off. I still feel like shit, though, so off to bed I go.

My daughters will sleep with me tonight.

Poor buggers.

Haiku Saturday

Hey! It's Saturday (well, here in the UK, it is).

That can mean only one thing. It's Haiku Saturday!

You know what to do.

Click here.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Another long post

I pinched this survey thingy from David. I hope he doesn't mind.

You know how these things work...

1. FIRST NAME? Minge.

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Listening to Not While I'm Around, this afternoon, on my iPod.
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I do like it actually.
6. KIDS? ...Are cunts.
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Probably. Isn't that a bit like masturbation?
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yes, my blog.
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Never in a million years. And then some.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? Home made museli.
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I don't have many shoes with laces to avoid this problem.
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically? Not particularly.
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? A very good vanilla. No cheap rubbish.
17. RED OR PINK? Red
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Far too many people to list.
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? It’s on a blog. I haven’t sent it to anyone. You can pop it on your blog though, dear reader, if you want, changing all the answers, of course.
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? White CK briefs and blue slippers. I am wearing other things as well, though, so you can just lose that mental picture.
22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Tiramisu.
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? California Snow Story by St Etienne.
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Grey. It's the new black.
25. FAVORITE SMELL? Vanilla. Reminds me of custard, my favourite food.
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? No-one sent it to me. I pinched it from someone's blog.
29. FAVORITE DRINK? Coffee. A good espresso. I hate people that say expresso.
30. FAVORITE SPORT? Men's diving or gymnastics. Gotta love the lycra!
31. HAIR COLOR? Mid brown.
32. EYE COLOR? Brown.
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope. I couldn't stand it.
34. FAVOURITE FOOD? Custard, dammit.
35. SCARY MOVIE OR HAPPY ENDINGS? How about a scary movie with a happy ending?
38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer. There’s more to do. I hate cold/rain, but I quite like frost and snow.
39. HUGS OR KISSES? How about a shag?
41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Dunno. But it would be nice to see other people do this. They aren’t the most revealing questions and it would be nice to get to know some fellow bloggers a little bit better.
42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? David, the guy I nicked this from. I mean, why do it again? And will he even know I nicked it?
43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Joe Orton's diaries (again), Wicked (again) and the odd page from the dictionary.
44. WHAT IS ON YOUR BACKGROUND ON YOUR COMPUTER? Promo shots from Fundamental (new Pet Shop Boys album).
45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? Will & Grace and The Green Room.
46. FAVOURITE SOUNDS? My daughters, in their excitement.
47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Neither. Both bore me to tears. And The Rolling Stones... It's just a noise. What the hell did Jerry Hall see in Mick Jagger? Perhaps he's got a totally enormous cock...!?!?
49. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Yes, but it's nothing for a mixed audience.
50. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? 3rd June 1972, Boscombe hospital.

Good idea. Why don't I steal it?

Enda's been looking at trends, notably, between Daddy and Chips. I'm looking at Fabulous and Minge. Fabulous seems to have the edge.

Check it out, here.

It seems more people in the UK look for Minge than anywhere else.

100 true things

1 I am presently drunk
2 I've watched more porn than you've had hot dinners
3 I like to swear from time to time and am not afraid of the word cunt
4 I'm three quarters Scottish, one eighth Irish, one sixteenth Italian, one sixteenth Englsih
5 Offal makes me feel sick
6 I smoke
7 I wish I was thinner
8 I'm gay
9 I'm not a paedophile
10 I don't lust after little boys
11 I love Bea Arthur
12 I wish I'd met Edith Massey
13 I did once meet Princess Diana
14 I wish I'd been a bridesmaid at Liza Minnelli's last wedding
15 I've smoked pot
16 I've got IBS
17 I dislike schemies/neds/chavs
18 I'm scared of driving
19 My Mum lives too far away for my liking
20 A former best friend used me and I've never forgotten it
21 I bear grudges
22 I miss Gabby and Janette but can't tell them
23 I can knit
24 I can crochet
25 I hate clothes from Marks and Spencer
26 I like calling people stupid bitches
27 I'm obsessed with blogging
28 I've got two friends called Alan, they both left the UK and I miss them terribly
29 I want laser eye surgery but I'm scared of going blind
30 I hate snobs
31 I dislike people who look down on me
32 I like people to be individuals
33 I dislike people who simply follow the herd like a bunch of sheep
34 Spelling is not my strong point
35 I'm addicted to chocolate
36 I like going to bed late
37 I like getting up late
38 I think eating meat is wrong
39 I occasionally eat meat
40 I've got a massive dick
41 The best thing about Will And Grace is Karen Walker
42 In gay speak, I'm versatile
43 I don't like long nails on men
44 I don't like men with long hair
45 I feel lonely a lot of the time
46 I wish I could stop smoking
47 I don't care what people think of me
48 I say, "Christ!" an awful lot
49 I'm not looking forward to Christmas
50 I don't like timetables or doing things at set times
51 I'm very much a left winger, politically
52 I like Italian food
53 I don't fancy camp men
54 I don't care if a man is circumcised or not
55 I like to get drunk once in a while
56 I don't like to eat a mango
57 Tonald Trump is a cunt, in my humble opinion
58 I wish Kathy Burke would return to acting
59 Masturbation is the new Christianity
60 I don't take myself seriously at all
61 I dream some seriously freaky shit
62 I'm worried that someone will try to kill me again
63 I don't like having secrets
64 I refuse to be bullied any more
65 I don't like reduced salt/sugar baked beans
66 I love custard
67 I wish I knew the babies Mum lost either side of me
68 I was born in Boscombe hospital
69 Sixty-nine is my favourite number
70 I hate boxer shorts
71 Shit happens, get over it
72 I'm losing my hair
73 My neighbour, Helen, is a complete gossip and that's fabulous
74 I am a complete gossip
75 I detest hypocrites
76 I hate whisky
77 I miss my house in Armadale
78 You shouldn't wear dots and stripes together
79 My favourite comedies at the moment are Nighty Night and The Green Wing
80 I'm not as obsessed with the news as I used to be
81 My favourite flower is the nasturtium
82 I want people to like me
83 I'm going to be thrity four years old in less than a month
84 Catholicism stinks
85 I'm no prude
86 Men are hot
87 I don't want to have sex with a woman
88 I don't understand gay men who have sex with women to see what it's like
89 I'm scared to death of spiders
90 I don't like sticky toffee pudding
91 I can be untidy
92 I can't understand why anyone would vote Tory
93 The concept of religion both baffles and intrigues me
94 I feel old
95 I wish I was sixteen again
96 I have a lot of regrets
97 I wish I had a time machine
98 I wish I could tell a lot of people how I feel about them
99 I take a size nine shoe
100 Doing this took me exactly thiry minutes


Phyllis and I went to Greenock last night. Our good friends Fee and Junx were celebrating the first birthday of their fabulous youngest daughter, Esme.

They have another daughter, Kira. She's fabulous, too.

I wish I was Kira. She's funny, clever, her own person and has the best parents a child could wish for.

We also saw Peter, Liz, David (and beau), Angela, Woody, Fee's Mum and brother.

What a laugh we had. Topics of conversation ranged from David Tennant's cock to Tom Baker's. It was a complete hoot.

I love going to Greenock.

Mum and I

This is a photograph of my Mother and I. It was taken in 1976, which would make me around the age of four.

Just wanted to share.


Is there anything wrong with being a prude?

I don't think so.

Click here to read an interesting critique of (Let me be your) dirty fucking whore.

It's fabulous.

As I mention in Elisabeth's comments,
I just found it funny for the sake of parody. It's like an old time love song someone might sing to their sweetheart. You don't expect them to say they want to be your dirty fucking whore. It's fucking hilarious!

I guess I find humour in the strangest of places.

Usually, it must be said, in the gutter.

I don't like swearing for the sake of it, either, or extreme rudery... Take a look at my Desert Island Disco.

If you're a prude, be a prude, if you're a wild person, be wild. Just be yourself.

Desert Island Disco

How fabulous would it be to appear on Desert Island Discs?

For those dear readers with no knowledge of the programme, the guest is invited to imagine themselves deserted on a desert island and asked to choose eight pieces of music they'd like to have with them (hence the imaginitive title of the programme). The guest also gets to take a book (the complete works of Shakespeare and The Bible are deemed to be already there) and one luxury item.

Discussion of the choice of music marries up with a discussion/review of the guest's life.

Here are my desert island discs. What are yours?

Madonna - Hung up

I've always loved Our Glorious Leader. And I've always loved Abba. When I was a young boy, Mum would always moan when my brothers and sisters wanted to watch Top Of The Pops. The only acceptable act, in my Mother's eyes, was Abba, since you could actually hear what they were singing. I soon latched on to this, always eager to please my Mother, and announced that Abba were my favourite group. This, in no time at all, seemed to become a habit, and I found myself fancying the one with the beard.

I was chuffed to bits when Hung up came out. It was perfect pop. The Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight sample made hung up better than anything else I'd ever heard before by either Our Glorious Leader or Abba.

Some loves fade and die. Some last a very long time indeed. I know I'll love Hung up for ever.

Sophie B Hawkins - Lose your way

When Damn! I wish I was your lover came out, some years ago now, I thought Sophie was just a slut, being dirty on stage to get people to buy her records. Now I know her for something else. She's the most intelligent musician and lyricist I've ever come across.

Intelligence and I don't really go together too well, but I have my moments - though I'm usually quite stupid. All I need is a little encouragement.

All through Junior School, I seemed to coast along, not doing much at all. All my grades were always C - average. I didn't want to be average, but there was nothing I could do. Then, at the age of eleven, I went to Oakmead School For Boys. My enlish teacher was Mr Valentine and I flourished. Encouragement was his middle name. He told me he loved the things I wrote and adored my imagination.

I left school at sixteen years of age with an A for English Literature and an A+ for English Language. All thanks to Mr Valentine.

School wasn't all good, though. For the first two years I had an awful time with queer-bashers. But that soon changed in 1985 when Oakmead School For Boys and Oakmead School For Girls mixed. I loved being with my girlfriends, and the straight boys, out to impress the girls, found they had to be nice to me if they wanted a belle. This, in turn, encouraged a fair few more boys to come out, and a few girls, too. We stuck together in some kind of gang. No-one could touch us now.

Lose your way is a beautiful, simple, straight-forward love song. I'll love you forever, whatever happens.

When thinking about a Sophie B Hawkins track, I couldn't decide between Lose your way and The darkest childe. I chose Lose your way, in the end, for it's sheer beauty. The darkest child is interesting, and the lyrics blow my mind.

Nina Simone - Mississippi Goddam

Mississippi Goddam is quite simply a pro-civil rights song. I'm all for equality and social justice. This song encapsulates struggle and strength. Nina, you girl go! I hope she's still hammering out great songs in heaven.

I love political songs. Sadly, there are very few of them around today. One's confronted with conveyor belt pop everywhere. It all sounds like it knocked off the same production line. It's very sad.

More politics, please.

Oh, and vote Labour. You know you want to.

Pet Shop Boys - Always

Always was an additional track on the Home and dry single.

It's about love, loss and trying to get to grips with the fact that things will probably get better. Life is tough, but it will probably get better. You just have to be patient, "Always, summer comes, always."

I think this song is about me. "You're too over-sensitive, that's the charge. Any criticism starts to loom to large. Caution to the winds, throw it, throw it. Don't cash in your dreams or you will blow it."

There's some advice for you.

I guess I'm an all-or-nothing kind of guy, in every sense. I'll go for something, full on. If it works out, I'm ecstatic. If it doesn't, I start contemplating suicide.

Again, with a Pet Shop Boys track, I was undecided about either this, or Your funny Uncle. The latter is about a funeral. I want that song played at my funeral. I'm someone's funny Uncle, but I'll never be a Father. My nieces and nephews are the closest I'll get to children of my own.

(Let me be your) dirty fucking whore - Machine Gun Fellatio

I'd take this, simply for its comedy value. I just love it. It's vile and dirty, very funny, without relying simply on its filthyness for the laughs. Check it out if you can.

I love comedy songs and I love filth. But I hate Roy "Chubby" Brown. His humour relies only on swearing, which, to my mind, is pointless. If a joke isn't funny, how are you going to make it funny by saying fucking at the beginning of every sentence?

Broadway baby - Elaine Stritch

Oh! More choices! Broadway Baby (from my favourite musical, "Follies") or The ladies who lunch (from "Company")? It had to be Broadway baby. Showbusiness! And of course, the fact that it's from my favourite musical of all time (closely followed by "Closer to heaven")

I used to want to be in showbusiness myself. I'd have loved to be a female impersonator. Alas, I ended up working in finance, in a building society - and someone tried to kill me. Does anyone get held up on stage? No, I don't think so. Bad career move, then.

By the way, the last lines of Live, laugh,love/finale from "Follies" always give me goose pimples.

"Hey up there. Way up there. What do you say up there?"

I guess you have to see it or hear it to know where I'm coming from. Try to do so, if you can. You won't be disappointed.

For the good times - Perry Como

"Don't look so sad, I know it's over. But life goes on, and this old world will keep on turning. Let's just be glad we had some time to spend together..."

It's tough when any kind of relationship comes to an end, but when the acute pain has subsided, you can look back and be glad about wht you had.

My Dad liked Perry Como. He liked him a lot. I used to feel uncomfortable about liking someone or something that my Father was into. But I'm over that, now.

My Dad wasn't a very nice man. He was physically violent towards all of us. My elder brother and my Mum were in hospital a few times because of him, but they seemed to have moved on. Americans would say they've got closure. I wish I had it, too.

You won't forget about me - Dannii Minogue

I don't want to be forgotten.

My luxury item
would be a photograph album with photographs from throughout my life. I love looking back on my memories.

A book would be Sucking sherbet lemons by Michael Carson. A gay schoolboy...! Think I could relate to that?


My Quiz

How well do you know Minge?

  1. Which of the following have I had?

  2. Piles

    Heart attack


  3. Which is my favourite pop group?

  4. Pet Shop Boys


    The Rolling Stones

  5. Who is my #1 idol?

  6. Judy Garland

    Edith Massey

    Liza Minnelli

  7. Which of the following animals have I not kept as a pet?

  8. Gerbil



  9. When I get over excited, what do I do?

  10. Vomit

    Blow a raspberry


5 points - you're my best friend
4 points - you've measured my inside leg
3 points - you wanted to see my bottom but I turned you down
2 points - you've seen me in Tesco
1 point - you've heard of Fabulous Minge but have no understanding of the concept
0 points - It's time you took your own life

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Doctor Who the soap opera

There's been some speculation...

Doctor Who has turned into something of a soap opera. Although there are elements about this that make me uncomfortable, it is done well, and we see the characters with much more depth than we did with the classic series.

The downside is there's less time for geekery. Gritty soap operas can't really go through their normal motions when polarity of the neutron flow is being reversed, propulsion systems are being explained or the political welfare of a distant planet is falling to bits... But there is a good balance, only slightly more in favour of soap over sci-fi for my liking, but I don't really care. It means the show is getting good viewing figures and will stay on the air for a long time to come.

In the distant future (perhaps) - what will happen to the show when Russell T Davies jumps or is pushed?

I do like the fact, though, that we get to see inside people's heads.

At the end of School Reunion, Rose seemed quite willing to have Sarah Jane on board the TARDIS, though her reaction to Mickey staying with them was classic... Perhaps it was because Rose and Sarah Jane had bonded. There was some mutual understanding between them. Sarah Jane knew what Rose was going through now, and Rose knew what had become of Sarah Jane. Mickey just gets in the way between Rose and The Doctor.

Rose now knows that there have been countless companions before her and there will be many more after her.

Rose had that confirmed in The Girl In The Fireplace.

I don't think it will be Mickey's presence that inserts the final nail into the coffin of Rose and The Doctor's relationship. I think Rose will come to see The Doctor as fickle and bugger off. There will be no smooth parting of the ways this time. No-one ever leaves on good terms in a soap opera.


Interesting links

Neutron Flow
Outpost Gallifrey
Official Doctor Who website

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Naked male flesh

Phyllis has been seeking out naked male flesh.

Yes, it's true.

Click here if you don't believe me, to read all about it in his own words.


I'm in a list-making mood.
I've just been to the vet in Morningside (I didn't see J K Rowling). The girl behind the desk told me she was, "...sick of bloody lists." Personally, I love them.

I could make lists all day.

But I never make a shopping list. They're dull and not worth keeping. What's the point in making a list if you're not going to keep it?

Minge's top 10 Pet Shop Boys b-sides

1) Your Funny Uncle
2) Always
3) The resurrectionist
4) Delusions of grandeur
5) Hit and miss
6) How I learned to hate rock 'n' roll
7) That's my impression
8) A man could get arrested
9) I want a dog
10) Betrayed

My idol

This is Edith Massey. She is my idol. I love and adore her.


Look at this.

How do these people get away with it?


EU joke

The EU has decreed that it is no longer correct to spend a penny - the new expression is to Euronate.



Pet Shop Boys - Fundamental

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


Each week, I usually disclose the crackin' choons that my lovely iMac has been pumping out.

I usually list the top ten. I'm up for a top twenty this week. If I only listed the top ten, it would consist largely of album tracks from Pet Shop Boys' fantabulous new long player, Fundamental.

So, this week, according to iTunes, I have mostly been playing:

Minimal - Pet Shop Boys
Indefinite leave to remain -
Pet Shop Boys
The Sodom and Gomorrah show -
Pet Shop Boys
Integral -
Pet Shop Boys
The resurrectionist -
Pet Shop Boys
I made my excuses and left -
Pet Shop Boys
The resurrectionist (goetz b extended mix) - Pet Shop Boys
I've got a life - Eurythmics
Casanova in hell -
Pet Shop Boys
I'm with Stupid -
Pet Shop Boys
Numb -
Pet Shop Boys
God Willing -
Pet Shop Boys
Luna Park -
Pet Shop Boys
Twentieth Century -
Pet Shop Boys
Minimal (demo) -
Pet Shop Boys
Close to perfection - Miguel Brown
Being boring (live/drunk) -
Pet Shop Boys
Let me be your dirty fucking whore - Machine Gun Fellatio
Mother and Father - Madonna
Love's unkind (7") - Sophie Lawrence

Musical musings

Isn't it about time Sade released something? Not that I'm much of a fan, per se, but I do love the two albums I have by said woman in my collection. She's not a trend setter. You can't put her name and that fabulous old cliché broke the mold in the same sentence, but there's something about her recordings which make her quite unique. I can't put my finger on it.

I like putting my finger on it.

As a younger person, I had such difficulty spelling mold. I never knew if there was a u in it or not. My dictionary was well used as a youth. Now, in my early twenties, I use an online dictionary. I use it. I use it a lot.

Why does Miguel Brown have a man's name? And why can't I find any photographs of her when I do a google image search?

Why was Blogger down all this morning? Why is it down for at least an hour every day? Do the engineers know when I'm trying to upload something and fuck me over on purpose?

Why am I constantly told document contains no data?

Why have I got high blood pressure?

Pet Shop Boys - The resurrectionist - lyrics

Pet Shop Boys released I'm with Stupid yesterday.

It's fabulous.

Want to know the best thing about it?

The resurrectionist.

It's one of the additional tracks.

I love single sentence paragraphs.

I just wanted you to know that.

One problem: Pet Shop Boys haven't put the lyrics of The resurrectionist up on their official site yet. Can anyone help me out here? I'll replace the words I can't understand with asterisks.

The resurrectionist

Crossing Blackrfiar's bridge
To Guys
Then back to Bart's
For a better prize
Our goods are dear
But they're never shoddy
Tell me anybody
Need a body

From the resurrectionist?
Medical scientist

We've all got to earn ourselves a living
All it takes is a little bit of digging
By a resurrectionist

I met a man down
**** Lane
He told me he was
In the same game
We both talked the same
Body language
On Newgate Street
We saw the hanging

Of a resurrectionist
Medical scientist

We've all got to earn ourselves a living
All it takes is a little bit of digging
By a resurrectionist

Got a nice thing for the **** hunter
Used to be a **** hunter

We had a drink
Then a couple more
At the King of Denmark
And the Fortune Of War
A handsome lad
Lay in a handsome cab
Soon to be a stiff
And on the slab

From the resurrectionist
Medical scientist

We've all got to earn ourselves a living
All it takes is a little bit of digging
By a resurrectionist

We don't bring them back to life
But we do bring them back from the dead


Is he actually singing:

Got a nice thing for the right hunter
Used to be a pogo hunter


XWiz thinks he's singing:

Got a nice thing for the right punter


...we're still to work out the next line!


Let me be your dirty fucking whore

I've just downloaded Let me be your dirty fucking whore from Enda. He's fabulous. The track is fabulous. The world is a fabulous place to be in!

You can download it here.

Let me know what you think.


For the Lost fans:

Click here.

Totally bizarre. But fabulous!

Is John Barrowman circumcised?

Ok, I confess, I'm now curious about John Barrowman. More to the point, I'm curious about his dick. Why was someone searching the internet to find out if he's circumcised?

So I just did a wee search myself.

Here's what I found in sites and images.

The first web site in the list of results is from 1996 - and seems to intimate that John is on the bi-bus!

The second web site is a crock of shit.

But I have found out a number of things. John Barrowman is NOT circumcised. So, whoever the person was who was looking for such information or imagery: There are no photographs of John Barrowman's cock on the internet and he's uncut. You may find more info by clicking here, but I don't think the images are of John. Because... One of the other things I've found out is that (and this is no surprise to Minge) he's got a massive dick.

I've also found out John was in the musical Hair! Hurrah! Something that links him to Army Of Lovers (they did a cover version of Let The Sunshine In).

I'd also like to say a few things to Al Weisel.

Al, John's not only recognised in England, you know. He's recognised in Wales, Northern Ireland and Scotland, too. Strange as it may seem, We also have televisions here, running water and electrickery. We don't ride around on Highland Cattle, sacrifice our first-born son and most of us aren't ginger. Britain is not another word for England. We live in The United Kingdom OF Great Britain And Northern Ireland. This incorporates England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales. Wee wain is not little boy. Wee is indeed small/little, but wain does not mean boy. Boy is boy or lad/laddie. Wain means wee one.

Stick that in your pipe. And smoke it.

Monday, May 08, 2006


Check it out:

Number One Songs In Heaven.

Dans la ville

I was in the city today.

It was a fabulous day, quite warm and not a cloud in the sky. I popped into HMV to buy lots of singles (I'd already sold them and made a killing on ebay) and then trolled about the streets, browsing in the shops and listening in to other people's conversations.

I think it's quite strage that people will talk at such a volume about things that should really be whispered. One woman was telling her friend or work colleague that her husband isn't interested in sex with her so she's encouraging him to buy porn mags. A wank might get him interested in fucking her again.

Another lady, in Princes Street Gardens was on her mobile 'phone. She was telling someone that she's got a rash down her undies and it's really itchy. I didn't hang around long enough to hear the rest of the gruesome details. I was just walking past.

Then I sat on a bench to have a smoke. Well away from the mobile 'phone woman.

A person, whom I perceived to be from Japan, asked me for a light. I took out my lighter and went to light it, only to have him snatch it from me.

"Are you on holiday?" I asked.
"No," he replied with a thick Edinburgh accent. "I live here."

I'm sure he spoke with a Japanese accent when asking for a light.

I felt really stupid after that. Almost racist. You know, you see someone in Europe who's not caucasian, and presume they don't belong here.

Not fabulous.

Not sleeping

Check it out:

Not sleeping.

Throw your mobile 'phone away.

Neill Gorton

Neill Gorton has a blog!

Click here to read it.

Neill is fabulous, and, in my humble opinion, the backbone of Doctor Who.

His blog is fabulous. You can see much more of his work, photographically and get a personal insight into the creative process.

All hail!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Virgin Mary minge wig


Now someone's found me by going to google and searching for Virgin Mary minge wig.

Whatever next?

I don't know if it's worse or better than John Barrowman circumcised. If you notice, the person on the search was from Australia. What goes on down-under?


I just made tiramisu. On popping the little poppets into the fridge, I had a thought...

You know, I do nothing without thinking about blogging. If I'm going to do something that would make for dull reading, I don't do it. My blog is my life and my life is my blog. I am sad, I know, but these are the facts.

I thought I'd take a photo of the contents of my fridge (why is there a d in fridge when there isn't one in refrigerator?), state what's inside and ask you, dear reader, to tell me what's in your fridge either in the comments, or preferably, on your blog (with photographic proof, please).

In mine:

(Canned) artichoke hearts, decanted into a glass bowl
Home made marmalade
Raspberry jam
Polythene box containing garlic and ginger
Sandwich spread
Fat free Italian salad dressing
2 x bottles (1 large, 1 small) of aloe vera juice
Bottled olives (green, stone in)
Apple juice
Grapefruit juice
Beef mince (for the dogs)
Loads of Müller Light yogurts
Yogurt drinks (the ones with the good bacteria)
4 x individual tiramisu!
2 x avocados
12 x organic, free range eggs
2 punnets of mushrooms
Bag or carrots
Peppers (2 or 3, not sure)
English asparagus
Organic butter
Low fat boursin
Low fat cheese spread
Vanilla infused vodka
HP sauce
Tomato ketchup
Nam Pla
More HP
Organic semi-skimmed milk
Liquid vegetable stock
Orange juice

Some people reckon you can tell a lot about a person by what they keep in their fridge. I've no idea what this says about me. What's in YOUR fridge? What does it say about YOU???


In the wee small hours of Thursday morning, something funky happened. I was awake (I believe) but totally forgot!

The full digital time at two minutes past one in the morning and three seconds (01:02:03 am) was:

01 02 03 04 05 06

How fabulous was that?

Of course, the Americans doing everything back-to-front, had this outrageous event back in April.

In the USA, the full digital time at two minutes past one in the morning and three seconds (01:02:03 am) on 5th April was:

01 02 03 04 05 06

What a shame that nothing wild or whacky happened.

I thought Jesus was going to come again. Damn! And I had Earl Grey teabags, french fancies and individual sherry trifles in as well.

John Barrowman

Oh God.

What is the world coming to?

Someone found my blog by doing a search:

"John Barrowman" circumcised.

Was it YOU???

These are the top seven searches by which people found my wee blog:

drill down333.33%jo minge
drill down111.11%jade goodie
drill down111.11%joanna lumley suspenders
drill down111.11%minge o'clock
drill down111.11%john barrowman circumcised
drill down111.11%
drill down111.11%video of i did a toot

9 100.00%

Who the hell is Jo Minge?