Friday, June 29, 2007



Our new Prime Minister has seen my cock.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

News from Bournemouth

Phyllis here . .  .

Roy's nephew's girlfriend had a baby - Polly.

Roy is now officially a Great Aunt.



Friday, June 22, 2007



Kamakura, Japan.  2006.  Those were the days!


I like the word hiatus.  It smacks of science from the ancient world and reminds me of what many Greek and Roman men would do in their spare time without fear of anyone batting an eyelid.
And a hiatus, I'm about to take.

In the early hours of tomorrow morning, Phyllis and I shall drive down to Bournemouth.  I expect to stay there about a month and will, more than likely, be there for the birth of my first great niece or great nephew.  Exciting!  Nice to be a great uncle!  Even a great uncle!

Ian will stay with me for a day before returning home sans moi et nos chiennes.  In the middle of July, he'll visit me chez Maman for a weekend, then, towards the end of the month, come to collect me again, bring me home, perhaps for a night or two, before the four of us go on a seven day holiday to Ireland.

In England, I plan on going to the beach, playing bingo, visiting old pals, seeing my family and having some quality time with Mumsy-wumsy. In Ireland, I plan on touring the whole fucking island and, hopefully, bumping into a few folks along the way.  On the itinerary so far: Dublin, Waterville, somewhere wee in County Galway and Belfast.

Je retournerai.


As predictable as the waxing and waning of the moon, the tides and the knowledge that the best part of The X Factor will be the rubbish acts cast off at the beginning, yesterday was the longest day of the year.  Although we saw next to no sunshine here in Edinburgh, we were blessed with seventeen hours, thirty six minutes and thirty five seconds of Northern daylight.  Plus, of course, the strange constant twilight, melding into dawn as the globe of the sun skips briefly below the horizon.

I love the Summer and I love the longest day/shortest night.  We get a massive ten hours, thirty nine minutes and seven seconds more daylight during the Summer solstice than we do on the shortest day.

I've not had to put the heating on, nor the lights and warming foods, the comforting type such as mashed potato, soup or steamed puddings are as far from my mind as they can ever get.


The six months of looking forward to ever longer days are now over. The nights are already drawing in.

So what do I do?  Should I be a pessimist, think the worst about the up-coming six months and then be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't turn out half as bad as I expected?  Will that be the key to a happy Winter?

I don't think so.  I know it's going to get colder.  I know it's going to get wetter.  I know the days will get shorter.  I know the nights will get longer.  I know I'll have to be putting the lights on at three in the afternoon.  There's no way any of that's going to change.

Unless, dear reader, if you know of anything to aid me in thinking the absolute worst about the Autumn and Winter which might not actually occur and leave me happily amazed, please let me know.

My self-diagnosed SAD is already kicking in.


What's My Blog Rated? From Mingle2 - Online Dating

Mingle2 - Online Dating

Thursday, June 21, 2007


Phyllis and I weren't alone on our all-Nippon holiday, you know, dear reader.  Oh, no!  We were accompanied by Jesus Christ, as given to me by my delightful American friend, Dame Krafty of Bitch.

Christ was a welcome companion and eager to see the pagan lands of the East.  He enjoyed his tour, just as The Buddha had previously enjoyed touring with us around Scotland.

While in Japan, Jesus Christ enjoyed bathing in a sento, drank milk, made tea and even performed miracles.  Yes.  He turned water into beer and steam into melon cream soda.  If that doesn't beat raising the dead, I don't know what does.


We left Japan on 6th June 2007.  From the Park Hyatt, Tokyo, to Narita airport by limousine bus. How a bus has anything to do with a limousine, I don't know, but that's not for here.

I was very sad that morning, and being tired always exaggerates emotion.  Leaving is never a delicious experience and saying cheerio to Alan and Junya the previous evening made this one of the longest good-byes in history.  Painful and not at all nice.

As the bus pulled away from the hotel, I began thinking about all the things we'd seen and done in our short stay.  And the things we hadn't done: the fish market, an oxygen bar and a visit to an onsen.  Also, I was sad to have to leave Marie (my birthday gift from Dan and Masumi) behind at the hotel.  There would be no chance of me being able to take her on the aeroplane.  But I had a plan so that she might live.  I removed the cord from her neck and let her float up to the ceiling. Surely, the cleaners wouldn't look up. And the next inhabitants of room #4909 might adopt her.

More sad than leaving Marie, I was upset to the point of tearful at leaving Alan and Junya.  Even now, after this short time, they feel lost in the mists, not only of time, but of the Orient, like another realm, another planet, another reality.  Distance is a horrible thing.  Email, blogging and telephone calls don't make up for physical contact; a brush of ones hair, a hug, a kiss.  Or first hand vision of a beautiful smile.  They are lost.  For now.  But I do feel, honestly, someday I'll find them.

Leaving Japan was much easier than entering.  Were it not for the lack of cheering, I might have imagined they were glad to see the back of us.  On the passenger side, it was time to seek out a toilet, café/restaurant and shop - in that order.

Having tiddled, we sat and watched the Airbus A380 manoeuvre around the apron and then took our traditional yet untypical Japanese breakfast of coffee and cakes, this time, courtesy of Starbucks.  An area was set aside for the consumption of purchased goods, shared with other establishments.  I noticed a couple of menus.  Not exactly engrish, but delightful nonetheless, one asked me if vegetables were enough, another offered the dreaded curry doughnut which haunted me during 2006.

Breakfast over, we headed, with haste, to a shop selling electronics and watches.  Yes!  I was after a new watch.  Impressed with Alan's, I'd decided to bag a Japanese Fossil for myself, though had not seen any up until then.  Thankfully, all that changed in the shop and I purchased a fabulous timepiece for myself.  Every time I look at it, I'm reminded of my time in Japan, not only this year, but in 2006 and 2004.

On our way to the gate, we passed a couple of daft American women, asking a Japanese man for directions to their aeroplane and seemingly unaware of where they actually were, asked, "Do you know where we're at?"

I can be quite rude at times, hen, and, rather loudly, I tutted and commented on her poor grasp of grammar.

Where we're at?  At?

Lord, preserve us.

Our journey home was far from fabulous.  Lufthansa aeroplanes are scruffy and old.  Their cabin crew are at best, rude.  At worst, a bunch of humourless cunts.  The food is dreadful and the entertainment a disgrace.  We were cold, hungry and ignored.

Frankfurt airport is equally vile.  Dirty, scruffy, old and in dire need of a lick of paint and some smiles on the faces of the workers there.  I was keen to get away on our flight to London.

Luckily, our flight from London to Edinburgh was provided by British Airways.  How fabulous to travel with an airline with morals, who believe in new aeroplanes, cleanliness and the occasional smile!  And food, to boot!  Good food.  And copious amounts of booze!

So before long, we were back in Edinburgh, back in our wee house.  Japan, thousands of miles away.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


Je suis Minge La Chatte.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007


Our last evening in Japan was spent performing Karaoke.

Our day in Disneyland over, Ian and I made our way back to Shinjuku to meet up with our most delicious of friends, Alan and Junya. We were unusually early. In waiting, I was flattered to find the Japanese people passing by would stop to admire Ian in his Fantasia/Sorcerer's Apprentice headgear and me in my Minnie Mouse wedding veil. Of course, they hated to be caught looking. When I'd turn around to see them, heads turned, looking back at us, they'd bow their heads of cover their mouths and giggle in that cutesy way, the way only the Japanese people know. Of course, some were brave, would ask where we were from or say, "Cute!" By and large, though, they were shy, yet intrigued to see a fat Westerner in cartoon drag.

The Minnie Mouse gear came in very handy indeed. After meeting up with Alan and Junya, we headed off to a Karaoke place, taking an all you can eat and drink package with karaoke. I adored singing, favourites being a medley of West End Girls/So Excited (I Could Vomit), I Begin To Spin Around and Like A Virgin. Like A Virgin simply cannot and should not be sung without a wedding veil worn. Our waiter did his level best to ignore me singing that song to him when he came into our room with beer, sake and food, though he did leave with a smile on his face. Which was a picture. A better picture would ha
ve been the look on his Mother's face when he returned home after his shift. I can picture it now.

"Kon Ban Wah, Ma!"
"Hi, darlin'! How was your shift?"
"Well, you'll never believe it, but this big, fat Western Man dressed up in no small way like Minnie Mouse tried his seduction techniques on me by singing Like A Virgin."
"Have you been at the medicine cabinet again, son?"

Oh, to be a fly on the wall.

Ian's highlight, I am sure, was singing Hung Up. He seemed to really enjoy it. Alan amazed us by singing in Japanese and Junya amazed us with his strong, yet somehow delicate and fragile voice.

We had a blast. We really did. Such fun.

But then it was time to go. Alan and Junya came back to the hotel with us to pick up some Irn Bru and some cables we'd borrowed in order to recharge our electrical devices. After a very short stay, it was time to go in order that they caught their final train home.

A sad goodbye and a sad ending to the happiest of holidays.

I miss Alan and Junya more than I can express, all thanks to the limits of language. Needless to say, I love them dearly and look forward to seeing them soon, God willing.


A feasibility study into a high-speed rail link between Glasgow and Edinburgh has been commissioned by transport chiefs in the West of Scotland.

The implementation of a maglev link between the two cities would cut journey times from fifty to just fifteen minutes. Of course, a the idea is pure fantasy. As long as the SNP are in power, at any rate. They're already set their sights on abandoning the tram project here in Edinburgh. They'd rather spend that money on the road network. Not very green, are they? And you thought the Tories were the party most keen on cuts! Wrong! The SNP are mad for cuts. They even want to cut Ian's job. What will actually happen, though, is anyone's guess. As with every other issue, the SNP went into the election broadcasting a multitude of ideas. They've implemented not one. Instead, they've announced a raft of reviews and studies, wasting even more money than they promised.

What a mess they're making. I cringe every time I see Alex Salmond on the television. His smarmy smirk is enough to put anyone off their tea, even life itself.

Roll on the next Scottish parliamentary elections! The sooner, the better! Between now and then, however, I'll continue to hope and pray that the SNP forgets all about what is good for it and thinks about what's good for Scotland.


On 4th and 5th June, we visited Tokyo Disneyland. On 4th, we were accompanied by Alan, Junya, Masumi and Dan (and Marie) and also visited Tokyo Disney Sea.

Sometimes there is no need for words. A picture can speak thousands of them. However, for Alan's take on the day, click here and to see Ian with Woody, please click here. You'll be glad you did, dear reader.