Embra

I went into the city today, namely to buy a light fitting for the living room. Oh, what's the best term to use? Living room? Lounge? Front room? Sitting room? What?

Anyway, I bought it, then popped into Sainsbury's (that vile store for people who have delusions of toffdom) for some smokes. Madonna was in there with Dannii Minogue. They were arguing over the last Creme Egg in the box by the till. I waded in with a, "Break it up you slags!" (I can be quite butch and masterful at times) and calmed the situation down. I told them to go shares on the Creme Egg and to have half each once paid for. Madonna was quite keen on this idea, but not Dannii. You see, she didn't actually want to eat it. She wanted to use it. I need say no more, right!? So I told Dannii to buy a galaxy caramel egg - and the end result would be more realistic. She did. What would these bints do without Minge? Our Glorious Leader bought the Creme Egg, licked out the creme and threw the chocolate in the bin. I praised her for using the bin and not throwing it on the floor, but I dissed her for being such a wasteful bitch.

After sorting out their spat, I bought my Hamlet Miniatures. The guy in the kiosk was rank. He really stank of at least three days worth of sweat. Vile. I didn't put the change he gave me back in my wallet, I put it in my shopping bag and put it to soak in bleach once I got home.

I was so disgusted with his stench that I decided to cast a spell on him. I'd tell you the spell, but with power comes responsibility and I can't have joe public knowing how to turn people into rats or, this particular spell, where someone's clothes (but not their undies) fall off. Sadly, after getting so worked up with Dannii and Madonna, I said the spell slightly wrong, slightly, just slightly. I just got out of the store when my cardigan and jacket fell off and I found my tweed skirt around my ankles! Thankfully I was wearing my silk bloomers because that skirt makes my bum dead itchy if I wear my usual thong - so I retained my modesty. Not a single person saw a bum cheek.

I felt such a fool - and the spell lasts twenty four hours! This meant that every time I put my clothes back on, they just fell off again! So I had to go to the bus stop in my bra, bloomers, stockings and stilettoes. The bloody bus driver wouldn't let me on! So I hailed a taxi - he said he couldn't take half-dressed passengers. He'd take me if I was naked, but not semi-naked. Oaf! I hailed several more cabs, but got the same response every time. Cunts! So I had to walk home. It took me an hour. I'll be lucky not to get chillblains.