Bathroom

I've just been to a bathroom merchant to pick out some things for my new sanctuary d'eau.

Jeez, I can't believe it was so difficult to choose. Of course, a lot of it was totally naff, looked cheap or was completely out of my price range, so our choices were limited - but it was still the most bewildering, complex and baffling thing I have done in a very long time.

A white suite with white tiles and a blue mosaic floor are definitely in order. Don't think I'm evading the issue of stamping my personality on the house by going for bland and conventional. I am a bland and conventional person. I don't like gaudy and I don't like personal statements in decor. Accents, I do like, so there will be something weird, strange or wildly fabulous, but as of yet, I don't know what it will be. Any suggestions?

What am I thinking? I'm not bland and conventional, I just don't want to lie in the bath staring at busy patterns or eighteen different colours. I want to relax. I want to meditate. I want solace.

Think about it. The bathroom is perhaps the only place in the house where you can be alone and not be interrupted. Utilise this fact for all it's worth.

Still, the consequence of the end result will be quite the opposite to the bewilderment and confusion felt in the bathroom showroom this morning. It will be great to have a bath that I can lie in without thinking of the scabby cretins who might have used it before, sit on the toilet without thinking who'd had diarrhea there or who might have vomited into the sink into which I'm pouring water to wash my face.

The electric shower, which was installed before we bought the place, is objectionable in the extreme. It's like standing under a dripping tap. The flow is ridiculous. I really can't wait to have a proper shower - and that should be about June. How much am I looking forward to that!?

The bad 80s decor and peach sanitary ware will be right out of the window and replaced with something as tasteful and yet fabulous as a gay man's finances will allow.

I like to be mellow in a bathroom, especially when laying in the bath. No time for rushing. Even having a tiddle or brushing my teeth cannot be hurried. I like warmth, steam, candles and silence. Or perhaps sometimes a little music. On an occasion like this, though, I have no desire for disco music. Perhaps the only time, but definitely not while I'm in my temple mode. My body is a temple and I will worship it. Don't try and stop me! Of course, temple mode requires temple music and although I'm certainly not one for bongs, chants and bells, I think something ambient would suit or perhaps some light orchestral pieces. Definitely something ethereal. I'll leave the corporeal for other rooms in the house.

The bathroom is definitely a place for smells though, but they must be good smells. I don't like the smell of poo or farts at all. I rid them from my presence with an open window or some kind of organic bouquet. I do not like fake smells from a can. They are vile, even more vile than the poo smell I'm trying to mask. Good scents to use while bathing are definitely very gay: lavender, camomile and sandalwood. Even a straight man is a little bit gay in the bathroom - and that can't be a bad thing, can it!?