We're singing

I'm very excited, dear reader, and very pleased to announce the release of my first ever single! It's called I'm so excited (I could vomit) and should be out sometime in August!

Writing the lyrics wasn't easy. The title came first - but finding words to rhyme with vomit was a pain in the arse. Some pains in the arse turn out to be pleasant. This, sadly, was not.

My agent, Sophie, had some wild ideas for television programmes, which Dannii Minogue and I would front in order for her career to continue, albeit in a different direction, but these ideas were frankly prepsterous! The things I've done for those girls! Instead of making myself look like some kind of fool, I convinced Dannii to continue her carreer in music, or, at least to try and resurrect it, especially after her last disasterous single, So under pressure. Under pressure was right. Anyone would be under pressure to get that pile of tosh into the top 40. I told her not to do it, but would she listen? Would she, hell.

My weekend was something of a nightmare. Phyllis trimmed his bush, we went to the beach at Portobello for an hour or so - and then I spent the rest of it on the bloody telephone in conversations with Dannii, Sophie, Louis and Una. I barely had time to wipe my own arse. What a boon to have a butler, then. Jeeves doesn't mind one little bit.

Good job I had my business head on! Una was out for all she could get in terminating Dannii's contract. I told her that if she came after us for a penny, I'd go to the tabs and tell them all about her, Lional Blair and Margot Kidder. She soon calmed down, shut up and agreed to all my terms. Do you want to know why Margot pulled every tooth from her head? I'd tell you, but you'd probably be sick. Let me simply tell you this: No teeth means you can get more in your mouth.

But I digress...

I then put my showbusiness head on and decided to write this song for Dannii. She loved it and Sophie loved it. Wee Dannii was so over the moon, she begged me to release said song as a duet with her. After a pensive moment, I agreed.

Before Sophie got in with Eddie and that terrible business with the fake Sheikh, she was a wild and popular underground club DJ known as MC Dykey Slut. She told me she'd love to produce the track, so, yesterday, Dannii and I went over to Buck House, Sophie got on the decks and we laid down the track. I was quite impressed, to be honest. I didn't know she had it in her. But her marriage problems are another kettle of fish altogether.

I'm so excited
I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

We're going out to Kylie's party
I've got money in my pocket
We're going to spend it on some shandy
So excited, I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

We saw Robbie in the toilet
Playing with his meaty rocket
Now he wants us to play with it
So excited, I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

Colin Farrell called me over
Said, "Do you like my face? Sit on it!"
So naughty, but I'll do it
So excited, I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

(instrumental break)

We are naughty, dirty bitches
And we're never gonna stop it
Gonna get ourselves a record
So excited, I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

I'm so excited
I could vomit

We've commissioned several remixes this week by the likes of Rustie Lee, Margo MacDonald and Rod, Jane & Freddy. I'm so excited, I could, ahem, vomit.

Oh, and breaking news! I've just been on the telephone with Louis Walsh! He wants an album out of us by Friday! Dannii and I had better get writing. Or do you think we should fill said CD with covers? Christ! We haven't even done a b-side for the single yet... Or shall we be all 80s/retro and just plump for an instrumental version?

Whadya think?