Do you want to buy Tracey Emin's legs, dear reader?
Minnesota Timberwolves NBA star Eddie Griffin crashed his luxury SUV into a car while drunk and masturbating. Griffin told onlookers he was wanking while watching porn on a DVD player mounted on the dashboard of his Escalade.
Silly man. At least Craig Charles didn't actually crash.
Quote of the week:
"I do miss breastfeeding. I was good at it." - Kate Beckinsale
Grace Adams from Big Brother is currently beaming out from almost every celebrity and lad mag looking very glossy. It's not all natural. One magazine is claiming that when the pictures from her photoshoot came back they needed emergency retouching. Her arms seemed to be covered in thick blonde matted fur, "like a labrador's leg".
Robbie Williams is covering Bongo Bong by Manu Chao.
Ten years ago this week, a record called Wannabe was released. It became the biggest selling debut single ever, was number one in 31 countries and unleashed a new plague on the world, otherwise known as the frikkin' Spice Girls.
Two years before the single release, thousands of girls had answered an advert in The Stage, "R U 18-23 with the ability to sing/dance? R U streetwise, ambitious, outgoing and determined?"
Geri, Mel B, Mel C, Victoria and Emma were eventually chosen.
All five have refused to take part in interviews marking this 10th anniversary but later this year the Spice Girls will, at least briefly, reform. Except for Geri, the girls are still signed to Virgin and contractually owe a Greatest Hits album which will come out in November, a week after the group do this year's Children In Need single. And you'll be delighted to know that there will also be one new single on the album.
Called W O M A N, it is cringemakingly autobiographical - trying to link Girl Power to their new "maturity".
The lyrics include:
The early years were a lesson
Now we know what's goin' on
This time we're strong in our feets
And now we're INDUSTRY PLAYERS
We're wearing G-strings, taking meetings
Feelin' music to beats.
W O M A N can you truly love a woman
Louder baby, louder baby
W O M A N can you be better than a woman?
Madly, deeply, yeah!
Oh dear. God help us all.
Who's going to look after the kiddies while Posh is promoting their new trash? David can't look after himself, let alone their army of test-tube/turkey baster children. She'd best make amends with Rebecca Loos. Someone needs to look after the little blighters, even if it is a pig-wanker!
Look at this mad Russian. He's a living musical instrument, apparently. This is his My Space site.
Check out this hard bitch. She's rougher than The Rooney! You can hear the whack, but do you know what anyone's actually saying, dear reader?
Oh, life in the fast lane could be a little better with the brakes on, sometimes!