Dannii Minogue and Minge

I've had Dannii Minogue round my bit all night. Jesus, doesn't she go on and on and on and on and on and on and on...!?!?

She realises her singing career is going down the pan, so wants to move on to television. Her agent, Una Stubbs, hasn't got a clue when it comes to the world of television, so she reckons she's going to sack her and sign up with my agent, The Countess Of Wessex. Firstly, I told her that this would be a bad idea as Sophie Wessex, the outrageous dyke that she is, would be all over her like a rash. But then, I had one of those moments, you know, like you do, the words are flowing, but you can't stop, however much you'd like to... Dannii's eyes lit up. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. I knew she'd lezzed off before, but I thought it was all a ploy to get her into the tabs. Oh, no.

"Are you bisexual, then, Dans?" I asked.

She revealed that she was not.

Puzzled, I scratched my head.

"I'm a proper lesbian, I tell you!"

Poor Sophie.

Still, at least it will keep her quiet. She can't talk with her mouth full, can she!? That's what Sophie herself says about her old man, Eddie, when she brings him round here. But I've never let him. I can't stand men with teeth too big for their mouths.

Anyway, I'll cut to the chase: Dannii wanted me to call Sophie, which I did. Liz answered the telephone.

"I'll have the organ grinder, please, not the bloody monkey!" I said.

Sophie and I chatted at length. She had plenty of ideas. I could front a whole range of programmes and have Dannii as my side-kick, like the new Ant 'n' Dec. Minge 'n' Dannii does have a certain ring to it, doesn't it, dear reader!?

She offered:

Minge Idol - Pop Idol couldn't keep up with the phenomenon that is X Factor. It is dull in comparison, like comparing Chelsea Clinton to Barbara Bush. You think Chelsea is the exciting one? She's not. Babs is well known on the swingers circuit, and she does some great farmyard impressions in the nude underneath Southend Pier of a Friday night. She also gives hand relief for a fiver and a can of Strongbow. Minge Idol would be less about singing and dancing, more about having the most impressive vulva. Shaved or hairy, Sophie didn't mind.

Ginger Minge - Dannii and I search the country, and Belgium, for the next Ginger Rogers.

Commercial Minge - A game show in which people win prizes, as products and/or services as previously shown in the last commercial break ON THE ADULT CHANNEL.

Doctor Minge - Dannii and I travel in time and space, inside a lady's genitals. It's bigger on the inside than on the outside. We encounter all kinds of alien creatures, like huge, big pink sausages and crabs.

Byker Minge - A soap opera set in the North East of England. Dannii and I wear next to nothing, speak unintelligible gibberish and get drunk every night. She ends up pregnant and I go blind.

SMTV: Minge! - Saturday Morning Television flips to Saturday nights and becomes Sado Masochistic Television. Dannii and I writhe around on a rubber sheet, doused in olive oil and then whip each other with a cat o' nine tails, a skipping rope and Wellard's (the dog from East Enders) lead. Viewers take part in a telephone vote to determine who was best. The winner gets to drink champagne out of one of Cherie Blair's mules.

Minge-eye - Dannii and I front a game show based on the old pub game: darts; a revamped version of Bullseye. Though instead of aiming at a dart board, the contestants have to aim at the studio audience. A limb gets ten points, torso - twenty points, face - thirty points, an eye - forty points and genitals - fifty points. The catch phrase is, "Everybody loves a bit of Minge."

CD:UK - Dannii and I search the country for the worst cross dressers. The winner gets a makeover by Lauren Harries. Perm lotion will be involved.

I'm Minge, Get Me Out Of Here! - Dannii and I are trapped on a council estate in Liverpool. We have to complete tasks in order to escape, like performing pregnancy tests on the chavettes, selling on stolen goods, eating kebabs, palming off talcum-powder as cocaine, painting go-faster stripes on stolen Ford Fiestas and seeing who can get drunk the fastest on Special Brew.

Dannii: Footballer's Wife - I search the United Kingdom trying to find a straight Premiership Footballer (they're not ALL gay, you know) for Dannii to marry. Trying to find a straight one would be hard enough, but here's the twist: I have to stop her lezzing off with all the WAGs.

Dannii got really excited and pissed all over the floor! I, however, am far from keen. I'll be developing a gin problem that will make Princess Margaret look like a member of the ATS and I'll be popping more pain-killers than Elizabeth Taylor has ever seen. I mean, a stiletto is one thing, but a mule is completely another!