Dannii and the doll

Damn that Dannii Minogue!

I was down in the Co-Op this evening, getting some Champagne, nibbles and jam rags in when I saw Dannii Minogue. She was acting strangely, so naturally, I thought, now her music career is all but dead, she'd gone back to pilfering.

WRONG!

She was stalking Minge!

Down every aisle that I walked, there I found her at the end of it. Like in a spy movie, where secret service agents find one another in bookshops by removing a book from a shelf and whispering, I found her when sorting through the boxes of Kotex. I was shocked, at first, to see her face, wide eyed and hysterical, then totally traumatised as she lunged forward, forced her arm through the gap in the shelf of feminine hygiene products - and cut off a lock of my beautiful blonde hair!

Security guards chased her out, like a rat from the drains, but they weren't fast enough. Years of shop-lifting has taught her how to duck and weave, avoiding the long arm of the law. She's good on her pins.

As a way of comforting me, the Co-Op offered me the Champagne, nibbles and panty pads free of charge. This is all very well, but when I got home, I found the jammies were of the light variety. Anyone who knows Minge will scoff at the very idea. For me, it's heavy flow or nothing. Noah knew nothing about flooding. Come and speak to Minge.

Drama, drama, drama - but that's as nothing to what transpired later...

I'd only been in the door five minutes and the telephone was ringing. Who was it? Aye, you guessed right, dear reader, Dannii Frikkin' Minogue.

"Ndebelle mpunigaska didnczelle kma napa fundoo, you little bitch!" she said.

I guessed she was still miffed because XWiz and I dropped her like a brick when we formed Chip Shop Boys. Why she had to speak in a strange, foreign language was beyond me, though, but that all became perfectly clear when I put the telephone receiver down in its cradle. I got the most awful sharp pain in my side!

Shit! You know what she's done, don't you!? She's made a voodoo doll of me! That pain I had must have been when she stuck a pin in it! Her weird and strange telephone call in a foreign language was her putting a spell on me! I'm going to die!

What can I do?

I'm multi-tasking here, typing and thinking at the same time. Amazing, aren't I!?

I know what I can do. I have to make a voodoo doll out of her, and quick...!

I've just been to the bathroom and fished out some long hairs from the plug hole in the bath. They must be her hairs as she's the only one with long hair who's taken a shower in my bathroom for an age. I can make a doll. But from what? Candle wax? a bar of soap? Help! And I also need a good spell, one that will work quicker than hers. I have to kill her before she kills me!

Ouch! Another pain, right in my you-know-what! The little bitch!

Help me please. I'm too young to die.