Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Change my name

I'm thinking of changing my name.

One thing about being a Scot is that people from other countries tend to think we're exotic. Of course, I don't think I'm exotic at all. Apart from when I'm wearing my grass skirt... So I've done some research to see what I'd have been called if I was born to foreign parents in a foreign country.

If I was Dutch, I'd be Rode-Koning Onttrekken.
If I was French, I'd be Roi-Rouge Tapement.
If I was German, I'd be Roter-König Klopfen.
If I was Italian, I'd be Re-Rosso Derivazione.
If I was Portuguese, I'd be Rei-Vermelho Bater.
If I was Spanish I'd be Rey-Rojo El Golpear Ligeramente.

Of course, I could be an international child! Not necessarily mixed race, but certainly born to Parents from two different countries and in a land foreign to both of them.

Imagine, I'm born in The Netherlands. My Mother's Portuguese and my Father's Spanish. I'd be Rode-Vermelho El Golpear Ligeramente. How fabulous is that? You, dear reader, could call me Rudi. Or Kut! I don't mind which!

When I was born, my Mum had her heart set on calling me André. This would have been totally fabulous. Certainly better than the first name she came up with: Arnu. No, really. Then she thought of Anglicizing it and calling me Arnold. Thankfully, her brother-in-law's surname was Arnold and she hated him, so this was dropped. It was at this point that she came up with André. I know it's Andrew in French and nothing to do with Arnold, but, to my Mother, this was academic.

André would have been an amazing name to have. Sometimes, I wish she'd called me Scott (as so many other Mothers named their sons in 1972). I would have known what it was like to fit in and not stick out like sore thumb. I might have liked that as a child and teenager, but would I have liked it now? No! Not at all. I just don't want to be like everyone else. The downside to being André would have been the accent on the e: é. Typing my name would be very complicated for my digits. I don't like complications.

Anyway, as it was, my Father absolutely hated the idea of me being called, "...something poncy..." And he couldn't even say André. Philistine! To make matters even worse, he was having an affair at the time with a woman called Ruth who lived in Wareham. In some strange attempt to butter him up, I think, Mum sent him to the Register Office to name me Roy. Roy. Like him. Roy Michael, actually. Michael being his brother's name. Vile. I say I think this is what happened as Mum says, in the end, she wanted to give me a simple name, something I could spell easily when I'd got to school. I simply don't go for this. What Parent picks a name for their child because of its ease of spelling? And is it just some vague conincidence that this easily spelled name happens to be the same one my Father has?


I prefer my own interpretation of events. And I am magnanimous in that.

I've often spoken to my Mother about changing my name. She always says, "It's just a name." Well, if it was just a name, why did she deliberate so over it?


And I don't like having a verb for a surname. As I've mentioned before, it is an evolution of the name Taeppa. He was a small-time King who lived, I think, about 1400 years ago in the Buckinghamshire area of England. I know I'm related to him. My eldest brother did lots of investigation. My paternal Grandfather came from Buckinghamshire. Way back in the eons of time, Taeppa evolved into the surname I'm currently cursed with. That's why my ebay handle is royalroysie and I have been known to call myself Royal Minge from time to time. Nice to be regal! Exciting! Do you think I should challenge Liz for the throne?

I'd like a surname that is:

a) not a verb
b) fabulous

What about Franz Ferdinand von Cartier? Of course, that's terribly elitist and stinks of foreign nobility, so my forename or forenames would have to be something lowly. What about Dick? Do you like it, dear reader? I've always fancied being called Colin for some reason. I like a hard c at the beginning of a word. I also hate the fact that Celtic Football Club is pronounced Seltic. I've no idea why - there may be a very good reason, but it makes me physically sick.

Or course, I'd need more than one middle name. I am fabulous, you know. How about a nod to my existing given name and my preferred name of Minge? And something to cheer Dannii up?

Ok, I've got it:

Richard Colin Roi-Rouge Daniel Kut Franz Ferdinand Von Cartier.

Whadya think?

And I could buy a title and be Lord
Richard Colin Roi-Rouge Daniel Kut Franz Ferdinand Von Cartier!

A bit of a mouthful, though, isn't it. Still, we shouldn't complain about a large mouthful, should we...!?

Or should I go for something simple? Tom Tit?


CoffeeBigPlz said...

My son's middle names are:
Ahti Tapio
Finnish for
King of the Forest and
King of the sea.

no wonder the boy thinks he is king of every thing!
Just like his father!!

Lex Ham Rand said...

I like André!

And thanks for the extremely thoughtful and well-written to my request for assistance with dream interpretation.

As I sift through the facts that may apply to your analysis I think I may be getting a better handle on what it all means.

And you are on to something quite powerful here as well. Naming is a form of domination and control (think Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden). When French and English explorers were in North America they ran out of words in English and French to describe all of the geography and topography they encountered. The new world was so vast and varied that their native languages were inadequate.

So they used Native American words to name rivers, lakes, cities, etc. Some were also used by the indigenous populations - some were borrowed. (Chicago - Michigan - Mississippi - Minnesota). In an interesting twist, however, many Native American tribes were given names different from their own by these explorers (Sioux for Lakota, Chippewa for Ojibwe), another form of naming and domination.

If you name (or re-name) yourself, you are regaining a measure of control over your identity.

CoffeeBigPlz said...

I think you should go with something grand.

You strike me as a grand type of fellow. You are more than sex.(tit is no good) You are talent. You are a person with much personality and fun all wrapped up. My you can twist a phrase and tell a tale and keep interest.

Go for the grand-E-ouse

Brian said...


Tom Tit.

That's the one.

I'll give you a pound if you can tell me what TOMTIT stood for in Doctor Who (no Googling allowed).

Minge said...

I think you'll end up keeping your pound. My memory is shit. I know it had something to do with The Master... At least I think it did. At least tell me if I'm close before I go googling.

Brian said...

Hmmm... I don't remember if that was a Master episode or not. I know it was Pertwee and had to do with Atlantis. It stood for Transmission Of Matter Through Interstitial Time.

I think Andre is a wonderful name but I've become rather fond of Roy.

Anonymous said...

Hey Minge!

I like Franz Ferdinand van Cartier. I can see you on your yacht now. It makes you sound like a grand but obscure Baron, from a Jackie Collins novel.

Minge said...

Aw, Brian. You are the sweetest of all peas!

I'm sure TOMTIT was a teleportation device. I kind of think it had something to do with The Master - but it might not be. My memory is shit. I think I'm going to have to google!

Now, you know, China, I'd love to be Jackie Collins - let alone be like a character from one of her books! How fabulous would that be!?


Brian said...

This headline reminded me of your current quandary. It's funny how close it is.

zona boy said...

I could just call you Dick for short

RIC said...

Careful with that Portuguese verb there!!! Very, very careful!!! «Bater» does have lots of meanings, some of them you wouldn't like AT ALL to have as a name... Dear Lord, the translations Altavista gives always make me laugh like crazy... Unbelievable! If I were you, I'd reconsider my options... (lol)
Amuse yourself deliciously! :-)

Minge said...

Those phone tappers are looking for more proof of Charlie's homosexuality!

I like Dick.

Does Bater mean what I think it means? I could never be Minge Bater, then! That would be too much, even for me!

Kapitano said...

So your name's Roy Tapping? Hmmm. I'm sure we can come up with something...more fabulous.

Elk Monopod
Gobshite Necronomicon
Raxacoricofalapatorius Clom
Felch Ping
Empedocles Mulch
Globulous Fossington-Smythe-Johnston
Variable Capacitor
Skank Marmalade
Chupacabras Honky
Snuggles Chocoholic
Vengaboys Party
Littlebighorn Shostakovitch III
Pontypridd Gump
Booboo Taliban
Tracy Emin
Deepthroat Cox
Mumble Hecktoring
Electrification Scumble
Impedimenta Gumshoe-Harris
Romana Two

RIC said...

... THAT, Minge, would definitely be «more than too much»... (Gosh, am I blushing or what?)
From the list above, «Chupacabras» means literally «suck goats»... Not very fancy nor posh enough, I guess... (lol)

Minge said...


Chupacabras has a certain allure.

Can't I be Romana III? And can you really beleive Romana (I & II) is dead?

I really like Deepthroat Cox.

Tracy Emin has a certain appeal, too.

I can't choose! Make me!

Minge said...

Tom Tit is cockney rhyming slang for shit. A cockney might say, "I'm just going to the toilet for a tom." Eartha Kitt is also CRS for shit. Similarly, a cockney might say, "I'm just going to the toilet for an Eartha."

Anonymous said...

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