I'm thinking of changing my name.
One thing about being a Scot is that people from other countries tend to think we're exotic. Of course, I don't think I'm exotic at all. Apart from when I'm wearing my grass skirt... So I've done some research to see what I'd have been called if I was born to foreign parents in a foreign country.
If I was Dutch, I'd be Rode-Koning Onttrekken.
If I was French, I'd be Roi-Rouge Tapement.
If I was German, I'd be Roter-König Klopfen.
If I was Italian, I'd be Re-Rosso Derivazione.
If I was Portuguese, I'd be Rei-Vermelho Bater.
If I was Spanish I'd be Rey-Rojo El Golpear Ligeramente.
Of course, I could be an international child! Not necessarily mixed race, but certainly born to Parents from two different countries and in a land foreign to both of them.
Imagine, I'm born in The Netherlands. My Mother's Portuguese and my Father's Spanish. I'd be Rode-Vermelho El Golpear Ligeramente. How fabulous is that? You, dear reader, could call me Rudi. Or Kut! I don't mind which!
When I was born, my Mum had her heart set on calling me André. This would have been totally fabulous. Certainly better than the first name she came up with: Arnu. No, really. Then she thought of Anglicizing it and calling me Arnold. Thankfully, her brother-in-law's surname was Arnold and she hated him, so this was dropped. It was at this point that she came up with André. I know it's Andrew in French and nothing to do with Arnold, but, to my Mother, this was academic.
André would have been an amazing name to have. Sometimes, I wish she'd called me Scott (as so many other Mothers named their sons in 1972). I would have known what it was like to fit in and not stick out like sore thumb. I might have liked that as a child and teenager, but would I have liked it now? No! Not at all. I just don't want to be like everyone else. The downside to being André would have been the accent on the e: é. Typing my name would be very complicated for my digits. I don't like complications.
Anyway, as it was, my Father absolutely hated the idea of me being called, "...something poncy..." And he couldn't even say André. Philistine! To make matters even worse, he was having an affair at the time with a woman called Ruth who lived in Wareham. In some strange attempt to butter him up, I think, Mum sent him to the Register Office to name me Roy. Roy. Like him. Roy Michael, actually. Michael being his brother's name. Vile. I say I think this is what happened as Mum says, in the end, she wanted to give me a simple name, something I could spell easily when I'd got to school. I simply don't go for this. What Parent picks a name for their child because of its ease of spelling? And is it just some vague conincidence that this easily spelled name happens to be the same one my Father has?
I prefer my own interpretation of events. And I am magnanimous in that.
I've often spoken to my Mother about changing my name. She always says, "It's just a name." Well, if it was just a name, why did she deliberate so over it?
And I don't like having a verb for a surname. As I've mentioned before, it is an evolution of the name Taeppa. He was a small-time King who lived, I think, about 1400 years ago in the Buckinghamshire area of England. I know I'm related to him. My eldest brother did lots of investigation. My paternal Grandfather came from Buckinghamshire. Way back in the eons of time, Taeppa evolved into the surname I'm currently cursed with. That's why my ebay handle is royalroysie and I have been known to call myself Royal Minge from time to time. Nice to be regal! Exciting! Do you think I should challenge Liz for the throne?
I'd like a surname that is:
a) not a verb
What about Franz Ferdinand von Cartier? Of course, that's terribly elitist and stinks of foreign nobility, so my forename or forenames would have to be something lowly. What about Dick? Do you like it, dear reader? I've always fancied being called Colin for some reason. I like a hard c at the beginning of a word. I also hate the fact that Celtic Football Club is pronounced Seltic. I've no idea why - there may be a very good reason, but it makes me physically sick.
Or course, I'd need more than one middle name. I am fabulous, you know. How about a nod to my existing given name and my preferred name of Minge? And something to cheer Dannii up?
Ok, I've got it:
Richard Colin Roi-Rouge Daniel Kut Franz Ferdinand Von Cartier.
And I could buy a title and be Lord Richard Colin Roi-Rouge Daniel Kut Franz Ferdinand Von Cartier!
A bit of a mouthful, though, isn't it. Still, we shouldn't complain about a large mouthful, should we...!?
Or should I go for something simple? Tom Tit?