Colites

I've been reading a book about Japanese etiquette and traditions to prepare myself for our all-Nippon holiday. I was thinking, as I was reading, what it might be like in the distant future, if we humans begin interacting with extra-terrestrials and what we might find in similar books outlining how to behave with aliens...

Accept the when in Rome philosophy when in Cola. It's very important. I don't know if I'm going to tell you why or not. Not sure if I can be bothered, dear reader.

At least try to do as the Colites do. You won't, then, embarrass them and, more importantly, you won't embarrass yourself.

If you want a Colite to talk to you, you simply must behave as they expect any other Colite will. If not, you might be thought of as a Pepsite. You'll be ignored and any attempts to communicate with other Colites will be frowned upon.

But don't freak out and lose sleep over manners and etiquette. If you simply don't know what to do in a situation, ask. It'll be appreciated. Don't worry, the Colite won't think that you're a Pepsite. They are seen as too stupid to ask questions.

Just try not to forget everything I'm about to tell you:

Colite etiquette is complex. I'll make no bones about it. One second, you'll think you're being over friendly and false, the next second, you'll think you're being rude and vulgar. Don't worry. Colites will see this as normal. Just do as I say.

Naturally, it's not expected that you'll know everything. Colites might not expect you to have read my advice and will try to guide you themselves. Under no circumstances should you tell them you already know what they're trying to tell you. This is a major social faux pas and is punishable by death. The method of execution is not a jolly one. They'll make you eat copious amounts of vaseline. This will cause instant death in a Colite, but not for you. It will take you at least six hours to die. At the moment of your death, you will hallucinate (and people usually see Dannii Minogue trying to finger them) and your bottom will fall off.

If you're given a gift by a Colite, you must have something to give back, even if it's your soul. Failure to reciprocate in the gift ceremony may mean the Colite can legitimately, if you're male, remove your penis, or, if you're female, stuff and mount you.

Never say the literal translation of thank you to a Colite. This is only ever said to a corpse by someone who's about to benefit by the dead person's last will and testament. If you say this to a live person, they will feel the urge to kill themselves and you will be had up for inciting suicide. The sentence, once more, is death, however, the method is much worse, this time. You'll be force-fed liquid eyeliner.

A colite will poke his or her tongue out at a stranger on meeting. This is a normal form of greeting. It stems from pre-historic times when Colites would only speak to someone with excrement in their mouths. Although the practice of eating doo-doo is now outlawed (only the drinking of urine is allowed) the poking out of the tongue continues. However, if you're thought not to be a Colite, a hand will be offered to you. Do not attempt to shake it as this will be seen as an acceptance of an offer of marriage. Worse than this, marriage is exclusively homosexual amongst Colites. If you accept the hand of a member of the oppostie sex and are seen by an over-zealous xenophobe or a police officer, you will be executed. The method, this time, is, if you are female, by the removal of your brain (male Colites do not have one) and the removal of your penis if you're male (female Colites do not have one).

Never make eye contact with a Colite .This is how the courting process begins among their kind and you may be had up for attempted rape. This is one of the rare occurrences where the crime is not punishable by death. You will simply have your eyelids stitched up. This is, quite obviously, seen as similar to castration.

If someone smiles at you, run like hell. This is an expression of extreme anger among Colites. Obviously, then, don't smile at a Colite. You will either frighten them or they might thump you.

Don't point at anything with your index finger. This is seen as a request for digital sex. You might suddenly find a finger inside your rectum.

Do not wink at a Colite. This pratice is reserved for prostitutes offering a hand job.

Do not haggle over prices. This is seen as immoral. Again, you'll be executed. The method, this time, is mahi-kai. You'll be made to eat yourself. If you refuse, you'll be fed to a mouse. You might think the latter option is preferable. It is not. A Colite mouse is about the size of a lion and has the teeth of a crocodile.

Exclamations of bee-bop (Colite for yes) should not be taken as a sign of agreement. Your oration is simply being acknowledged. A colite will never say mop-top ("No") to you. This is punishable by death (the mouse method). You can only say, "No," in writing.

Toilet facilities are same sex. Colite convention prescribes very particular activites in the toilet. Your urine must be drunk by a third party and you cannot wipe your own bottom. Someone must do it for you. The other side to that jolly coin is that you will be expected to drink someone else's urine or wipe their bottom. To avoid this, go and take a shit in the woods where no-one will see you.

Do not eat all the food given to you by your Colite host. This will be taken as quite rude, a sign that you've not been given enough to eat. Your host will then offer themselves to you for consumption. Failure to do so is punishable by death. This time, by being forced to watch Wheel Of Fortune over and over again until you commit suicide.

A Colite will always offer you Colite tea before a meal. Do not drink it. Pour it into a nearby potted plant. It's most likely to be their dog or cat's piss.

On being invited out for a meal with a bunch of Colites, you will be asked what you like and dislike. Just say you eat anything. However, don't eat anything that's still moving on your plate. It will be alive. Don't worry, as mentioned before, eating everything is seen as rude. The more you leave on your plate, the more you'll be liked. Don't let them like you too much, though, or they might eat YOU!

Before the meal begins, you will be handed a small white towel. Do not wipe your hands or face with this! This is reserved for the ceremonial wiping of the person's bottom on your left. The person on your right will want to wipe your bottom. The towel you've used should then be inserted into your rectum. This is easty for Colites as they have huge arse holes. It might be difficult for you (unless you indulge in fisting) so take plenty of KY with you everywhere you go, just in case you're asked out for a meal.

All meals end with oral sex - of the host's cat. Failure to lick the feline's genitals will result in your execution.

Finally, say kims gott top xit (xit is pronounced shit) on leaving the table. This roughly translates as that was a disgusting load of muck. Praise of good food is a major no-no amongst the Colites. The more you berate someone over their cooking skills, the better.

Do not go to a bar if invited by a Colite. You will be expected to drink a lot of cat's piss as the Colites do. This will result, as mentioned before, in you having to drink other people's urine when you go to the toilet and other people drinking your piss, too.

If you do end up in a bar, the usual toast is mai boob poppt oot which roughly translates as we're going to get shit-faced. Shit-faced is not an expression of drunkeness. It harks back to pre-historic times when poo was eaten. It's an expression of masculinity and daring as this practice is now illegal.

If a Colite woman offers you her right breast, you must suckle. If she offers you her left breat, you must slap it with an oily hand. If she offers you her middle breast, you must buy her a pet mouse (but remember how big they are). Failure to follow these social norms will, again, result in yor execution.

If you are staying in a Colite's home, remove your shoes and socks on entering and walk inside the abode on your hands. Some practice may be required before leaving for your holiday or business trip. Putting your feet on the floor of any Colite's home is seen as disgusting and you might be required to pop along to the nearest police station where you will be fisted. Some pople might like this idea and brazenly walk (using their feet) inside a Colite's home.

Do not take a bath in a Colite's home. The bath is not a place for washing, but for sex (Colite's "flood" during intercourse) and this action may be seen as an open invitation for rudies.

That about covers it all. Oh, apart from rape and murder. Colites have sex by putting their eyes and belly buttons together. What you think of as penetrative sex will be seen by Colites as nothing significant, just like ruffling someone's hair or complimenting them on their new cardigan. Murder is welcomed. Colites believe it's the only way they can get to heaven. This, of course, means you might not leave their number alive. Be warned.