Easter

At this time, almost two thousand years ago, Jesus was getting arrested. He'd just had his last ever meal, the last supper, with his pals. One of them turned him over to the cops for a few quid.

Christ.

His last ever meal - and all it was, was a few slices of Mother's Pride and some cheap plonk. You'd have thought he'd do better than that for his last ever meal. I know chips weren't invented back then, but he could have had the fish, couldn't he? I know he was a big fish fan. Didn't he make one fish into five thousand or something like that? Jesus, if he could do that for a bunch of bored sods looking for a bedtime story, couldn't he conjure up a tasty dish for his last ever meal?

God helps those who help themselves. He didn't help himself. He could have had a right nosh up, but he didn't. How can anyone have faith in a man who'd rather eat a few crusts of bread and a botlle of Mateus Rosé than a nice gourmet meal with champagne!?!?

To top it all, Jesus turned out to be some sort of deviant with cannibalistic tendancies. What do you call a person who wants other human beings to eat them? It's like the opposite of a cannibal, innit...!?

My Mum sent us a twenty pound note for Easter. She said she didn't want to send eggs through the post. I can understand that. What I can't understand is that I didn't buy chocolate with the money! Am I sick!?!?

I went into town this afternoon and bought a citrus juicer. It's really funky. You bung a halved citrus fruit on the platform, pull down the arm and it squeezes the fruit to buggery. Fabulous - and exactly twenty quid!

Thanks, Mum!

Hey all you ladies out there... You should get one of these yourself. If your man/husband/boyfriend/significant other criticises you for a mis-matching bra and pants set or tells you to do something more interesting with your hair, get his testicles, pop them in the juicer and give it a good old squeeeeeeeeeeeze.

Then, on my return from the city with said juicer, Phyllis was here to meet me with a gift! He came home early with a Doctor Who Easter egg, to be found exclusively at Marks and Spencer! It looks like a TARDIS and tastes like chocolate. Heaven!

Oh, by the way, if I was a very small person or a dwarf, I'd like these pyjamas... Click here. Please.

I thank you.