Nine things meme

I pinched this from Paul.

I love stealing. I'm a thief and a shit kicker and, uh, I'd like to be famous.

If you're reading this (which you obviously are, dear reader) - please copy and paste it into your blog. Don't leave my answers in though or your readership might think you're completely fwooty!

I. Nine things I plan to do before I die:

1. Eat loads more chocolate. But no cheap rubbish. Please don't give me Cadbury's.
2. Stand astride the equator. I love the fact that the water goes down the plug-hole in different directions, depending on whether you're north or south of that magical line. I want to try it out for myself. I've never been to the southern hemisphere.
3. Grow hair on my head. Somehow. Someway. Someday. Regardless of expense.
4. Be unashamedly thin.
5. Fly supersonic. BA were proper bastards getting rid of Concorde.
6. Meet Joan Collins. I adore her.
7. Meet Liza Minnelli. I adore her.
8. Meet Lorna Luft. I adore her.
9. Return to the USA.

II. Nine things I can do:

1. Say "cunt" in thirteen different languages. Saying is one thing, spelling another, so I won't recount them here and now.
2. Knit.
3. Crochet.
4. Get out of bed at lunchtime if I so do wish.
5. Speak reasonable German.
6. Dance ballroom and latin.
7. Remember practically every face I've ever seen.
8. Plot revenge really, really well.
9. Laugh so hard, that I do a little bit of wee-wee.

III. Nine things I can't do:

1. Sing. At all.
2. Drive.
3. Be near a spider.
4. Eat bread, potatoes or pasta.
5. Drink carbonated drinks.
6. Forgive (very easily).
7. Play a musical instrument - and I wish I could!
8. Go up a bell tower in a church. I totally freak out.
9. Take good photographs.

IV. Nine things that I find attractive in a man:

1. Stylish.
2. Great sense of humour.
3. Tactile.
4. Dark hair.
5. Nice big package.
6. Unusual accent.
7. Nice smile.
8. Someone who winks.
9. A pulse.

V. Nine things I say/write often:

1. It's fabulous.
2. Cunt.
3. Christ.
4. Jesus Christ.
5. Bloody hell.
6. Lordy!
7. Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
8. Bugger!
9. You little bitch.

VI. Nine celebrity crushes:

1. Chris Lowe.
2. Adam Ant.
3. Huw Edwards.
4. Gordon Brown (I'm not joking).
5. Tony Blair (I'm really not joking)!
6. Andre Agassi.
7. Ross Kemp.
8. Neal McDonough
9. Dave Vanian

(All these crushes, without exception, are in the past tense).

VII. Nine things I love about humanity:

1. Sexual activity.
2. Orgasms.
3. Wonder at a new born child/animal.
4. Desire.
5. Music and rhythm.
6. Graveyards.
7. Giving of gifts.
8. Vanity.
9. Opinions.

VIII. Nine things I hate about humanity:

1. Jealousy.
2. Religion.
3. Oppression.
4. Spelling.
5. The police.
6. Hard rock "music".
7. Arrogance.
8. Heartlessness.
9. Sport/team-players.

IX. Nine films I hated:

1. The chocolate war.
2. Superman IV.
3. Till the clouds roll by.
4. Ace Ventura: Pet detective.
5. King Kong.
6. Mars Attacks!
7. Look who's talking.
8. Greese II.
9. Porky's