Friday, January 05, 2007

Film news/"I love sex!"

Mannequin-faced director Matthew Vaughn is making few friends on the set of his latest movie Stardust, least of all his leading lady Michelle Pfeiffer.

In the film Michelle plays a witch, which requires many hours of prosthetic makeup application and removal. In recognition of the hardship this causes, her contract has a guaranteed twelve-hour turnaround written into it.

Despite this the actress decided to take one for the team when a particular shot needed to be completed, and she agreed to stay overtime, only to be left sitting in her trailer with no explanation as to why the movie was stalled.

After an hour she asked about the delay, but nobody seemed to know what was wrong, so she asked to speak to Vaughn.

The great director refused to speak to his award-winning lead, saying he was "too busy".

Michelle, well used to prima donnas, took it all in her stride.

"Well, if that cunt won't come and tell me what's going on, this cunt is going home," she quite reasonably hissed, before walking off set in full make-up.

Film sets, as Michelle Pfeiffer can testify, are notorious for the long breaks between the action, so it's refreshing to see that Ralph Fiennes had a novel way of beating the boredom on the last Harry Potter movie.

By wanking like a Bonobo monkey in his trailer between takes.

The runners were employed by Ralph to courier porn videos to his trailer. Under strict instructions not to be disturbed he would then belt out some baby gravy whilst strumming himself softly to some high quality clacker action.

It appears that the Abi Titmuss tape was his favourite (and was helpfully supplied by another actor on set) and would be watched a minimum of two times before another runner was summoned to return the tape to its owner.

To the untrained eye it was simply another actor watching films in his trailer, which was certainly the impression Ralph thought he was giving. Unfortunately, the runners took the opportunity to check these videos for themselves and were suitably impressed by the fact that every single one was a grot flick rather than a Merchant Ivory.

Poor Ralph was unaware that he was the daily topic of conversation amongst the increasingly-amused runners, discussing his Philosopher's bone.

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