Burns

Eurovision fever starts here! Andorra have selected a cute teen skate punk band, Anonymous. Imagine Busted meets Blink 182. Vile.

I'm just back from a day trip to China, dear reader. Chinese state television asked me to discuss Burns Night on a talk show.

I was flown, first class, lady, to Beijing (via Frankfurt, Cape Town, Dubai, Paris, Baltimore, LA and Ulan Bator) with Monarch Airlines. They weren't very friendly, but I did get a free lipstick.

Beijing is a riot and there are Chinese people everywhere! And none of them can speak English! Can you believe that? What kind of a world are we living in?

I got to the studios where Zhang Today! is filmed (in front of a live audience) only to be confronted with ROW fans, desperate to hear our new song. I told them that they'd just have to wait. Costumes made by children in sweat shops aren't made over-night and Rome wasn't built in a fucking day!

The interview was soon under way. Poor Zhang must have thought we were taking part in some bizarre Wicker-Man-fest. I told her that Burns Night was a celebration of our infamous bard. No-one was doused with petrol and burned. Well, not usually.

The other guest was Rupert Everett. He'd come on to talk about fisting, leather, sex-pigs, masters and dogs, cock rings, his new single (a cover of Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep) and how to be an ignominious cunt.

After the show, we were treated to stir fried noodles with deep fried dog's ears. I said I was vegetarian, so was offered cat instead.

On leaving, Zhang whispered in my ear, "Take me with you, bitch!"

I told her that I could not. She'd have to claim asylum through the proper channels like everyone else. It turned out that asylum was the last thing on her mind. She was tripping and needed assistance to the toilet.

The journey back to the UK was uneventful. Naomi Campbell was on the plane. I'm a quick thinker, dear reader, and hit her before she hit me. Now, if only everyone could think like Minge, the world would be a wilder place.

I'd divulge a lot more, but you know, the Chinese are a bunch of communists and I have Haggis (vegetarian, of course) to prepare. Those neeps and tatties won't peel themselves!

Before I go, will the Haggis turn out alright? I don't know because, you see, I'm not Mystic Meg. Other questions on my mind:

If Darwinism is true, how come there are still monkeys? And why is the plural of monkey not monkies?

Which US actor is keen to distance himself from his uber-spoiled character in Extras? Yet on his last movie he demanded three personal assistants (his equally famous co-star only needed one), insisted his trailer was cleaned every time he left it, with a fresh roll of toilet paper every time he used the bathroom, and had a hissy-fit about making sure all the jars in the fridge in his trailer were arranged with their labels facing outward?

If Tom Cruise is the "Christ" of Scientology, when can we arrange his crucifixion?

Which hard-partying songstress, booked back to the UK from her showcase at music industry piss-up Midem, got upset because she wasn't in first class? Her people had to explain that Easyjet has no first class.

TTFN, punters.