Old quim/young quim

I stayed up late last night to watch Autopsy: Life And Death on Channel 4.

It was vile.

The slicing up of bodies and Dr Gunther von Hagens delving into an old woman's body cavity were as nothing compared to the living female models he used.

The young woman troubled me. She'd shaved her quim. That's all very well and you may be asking what's wrong with that. Did her razor go blunt before she'd finished? She left a wee patch of hair at the top! Oh, I was so upset. Also, I had no idea that chuffs looked like that. It was kind of hanging, like pincers. Gross. I thought the organ itself was flush with the rest of the body!?

If the young woman troubled me, the old woman freaked me out. First of all, she looked like she'd been caught stood up in a crusher. She seemed to be squat on her hips, like she'd had six inches removed from her spine. And her boobs are indescribable. Just look at the photograph. I did, purely by accident, I might add, take a full frontal photograph of the two women. Do not doubt that I deleted it immediately.

More worrying than any of this was the fact that I seemed to recognise the old lady. A friend of my Mother's? A former neighbour? A relative? Oh, shit! Then it came to me. She's a porn star! Yes! She really is. My brother sent me an mpeg of her getting shagged by a fat man when I lived in Mortonhall. The old woman laid there taking it, the fat man chatting away...

"What's that you're saying there, honey?" he asked.
"Oh, it feels so good!" she replied.
"A little bit of pain, but kind of interesting," said the fat man.