Fantasy dinner party

I've been reading Alan's blog. He asks who you'd love to have to a dinner party. My fantasy dinner party consists of the following:

Jackie Stallone
Gillian McKeith
The Duchess Of York
Grace Jones
Jordan
Will Young
Rowan Williams
John Barrowman
Linda Blair
Mink Stole
Pete Burns
Me

It would be fabulous. I'd tell Jackie to come early at seven thirty, the dinner party starting at eight. This, in fact, would be a lie. Everyone else would be coming at seven forty five. The others would turn up on time, looking through the window to find me on all fours, Jackie behind me, looking at my bum-bum. Shocked, they would all barge in and demand a look as well. I'd let them, making sure Will Young took his time over it. They'd all then be really curious and ask Jackie to look at their butts as well. This is just a lame excuse for all my guests to take their undies off. But it's bound to work.

Then, clothed only on our top halves, we'd sit at the table for dinner. I'd cheat and get a take-away. Gillian would start some dire rant at this point and people would throw blancmange at her. Everyone would laugh. Rowan Williams would attempt to lick the blancmange off of her face and tits. Gillian would like this very much and smear some on her chuff.

I'd be constantly filling my guests' glasses with champagne and we'd be incredibly drunk in no time. Rowan would have a draw on one of Jordan's spliffs and then fondle her breasts. I'd take photos of this act and sell them to the News Of The World for thousands of pounds.

The Duchess Of York and I would slope over to a corner and discuss frocks, drugs, booze, cocks, make-up and bitch about Madonna.

Grace Jones would be very jealous of Rowan's antics with Jordan by now and beat them both up. I'd take more photos and make more money from the tabloids.

Very drunk, Will Young and John Barrowman ask to spitroast me (not that they needed to be drunk, you know). I give my answer. It's a secret.

Pete Burns and Mink Stole perform scenes from various John Waters films. Our favourite is Mink playing Dottie Hinkle and Pete playing Beverly Sutphin from Serial Mom. Linda Blair feels upstaged by their swearing and bizarre antics so starts doing lines from The Exorcist. "Stick your cock up his fucking ass!" she yells. Will obeys.

No food has been eaten. After getting incredibly drunk and tripping on grass, everyone gets the munchies. We go into the kitchen to reheat the Chinese take-away, only to find Gillian ramming it down her scrawny neck like there's no tomorrow.

What a fabulous evening it was. Did I forget to mention that John Barrowman was constantly trying to finger me?