An afternoon in the city

I had a fun time in the city this afternoon.

I should not have made that comment about farting near a policeman. Karma came to get me... I'd just got on the bus heading into town and was walking up the stairs to the upper deck behind an older gentleman. With him being three or so steps ahead of me, his bum was directly in my face when he did a huge fart. Vile little shit! He didn't say a word. It was loud and stank to high heaven.

I did everything I wanted to do, changed my slippers for a bigger size and a few other things besides.

On entering the St James Centre, I saw a woman who must have been seventy five wearing mountains of make up and dressed up like Britney Spears (or how the poor woman thinks Britney Spears dresses). It was hilarious and fabulous. I love seeing people like that and I'd never dream of dissing them. I'm glad there are people in the world who deliver a proverbial slap in the face to their peers and refuse to go along with the herd. You go girl!

On going past a newsagent, I saw a headline in the local paper, the Edinburgh Evening News, that a local sweet shop which has traded for years and years is finally to close. My friend Peter often spoke of this place, but I never made it there. Now it's too late.

After I'd done all I needed to do, I headed to Sainsbury's (I actually hate that store, but necessity forced me to go in) and bought a multi-pack of Hamlet Miniatures.

And so it was time to go home for the bus. I hadn't whacked anyone on the arse with a broom nor farted near a policeman. Instead, someone had farted in my face, I'd seen a vision of Britney Spears in her twilight years and found the place I'd left too late to visit.

The bus was full of vile children, each one seeming to share an iPod - and most of them singing, about eight different songs all at once. The loudest to be heard was Shayne Ward's "That's My Goal." I don't ever want to hear that song again, unless it's a disco version sung by June Brown.