Rani

Fans of Doctor Who may or may not have heard it rumoured that The Rani (as originally played by Kate O'Mara) was to return in the most recent episode, 42, this time played by Michelle Collins. Sadly, The Rani failed to appear and Michelle was wasted in the programme portraying a silly woman who refuelled with diesel instead of four star. Miss Collins (no relation to my beloved Joan) could have been put to much better use. She's a very versatile actress, keen, fabulous, pretty, funny and a bit of a hag. Oh, and she's a good singer! Check out Sunburn and Mardi Gras!

And then, after receiving an email from Brian, I got to thinking... If The Rani was to make a return, who should play her?

Tracey Emin would bring artistic sensibilities to the part. The Rani's scientific experiments would be written up like poems and the sketches would sell for hundreds of thousands of pounds!

Madonna might not be the best actress on the planet, but if The Rani were to reappear in the 2007 Christmas special and Our Glorious Leader got the part, she'd be appearing with Kylie Minogue. Can you imagine how many gay men would have a sci-fi orgasm over that?

We all need to eat, dear reader, even in outer space, in the time vortex, in disused quarries! Nigella Lawson's Rani would be fabulous. Never again would The Doctor and his companion have to eat something like chicken. They could have yellow split pea and frankfurter soup! And Nigella can camp it up with the best of them, and suffocate her enemies with her gigantic breasts!

Joan Bakewell would, as Kate O'Mara did, mix intelligence with sexiness. The thinking man's crumpet. The thinking dyke's crumpet, too.

Julie Goodyear will not only bring her unique brand of campery to the part, but also a sense of panto, reminiscent of the original series. The fans will adore it. Plus, soap opera experience will please Russell T Davies who's turned Doctor Who into East Enders In Space.

Intergalactic domination hardly ever goes well and The Rani often ended up with egg on her face. Anne Kirkbride would be fabulous as The Rani, especially if she gets to use her catch phrase, "Ooh, I've made such a fool of meself, Ken."

Queen Elizabeth II could apply her military might and tap into her experience as Canada's commander in chief. Oh, and rani does mean queen in Hindi.

Barbra Streisand would be fabulous saying, "Die, you fucker." And then scratching a defenseless man's face with her long nails.

Debbie Reynolds would be marvellous for two reasons. About ninety nine per cent of Doctor Who fans are gay. They would love her. The second reason, she could get sci-fi coaching from her daughter, Princess Leia!

Annie Lennox is my final choice. A headbutting Scot with spikey hair would be a fabulous regenerated incarnaion for my favourite Doctor Who villain.

One thing, though, I'd hope Kate would take part in the show for a regeneration scene. My biggest upset about The Doctor's return was not seeing the eighth become the ninth. If I had to choose just one of my fantasy Ranis to play the part, it would have to be...

...Anne Kirkbride! She'd be totally hardcore.