Tuesday, May 22, 2007


Fans of Doctor Who may or may not have heard it rumoured that The Rani (as originally played by Kate O'Mara) was to return in the most recent episode, 42, this time played by Michelle Collins. Sadly, The Rani failed to appear and Michelle was wasted in the programme portraying a silly woman who refuelled with diesel instead of four star. Miss Collins (no relation to my beloved Joan) could have been put to much better use. She's a very versatile actress, keen, fabulous, pretty, funny and a bit of a hag. Oh, and she's a good singer! Check out Sunburn and Mardi Gras!

And then, after receiving an email from Brian, I got to thinking... If The Rani was to make a return, who should play her?

Tracey Emin would bring artistic sensibilities to the part. The Rani's scientific experiments would be written up like poems and the sketches would sell for hundreds of thousands of pounds!

Madonna might not be the best actress on the planet, but if The Rani were to reappear in the 2007 Christmas special and Our Glorious Leader got the part, she'd be appearing with Kylie Minogue. Can you imagine how many gay men would have a sci-fi orgasm over that?

We all need to eat, dear reader, even in outer space, in the time vortex, in disused quarries! Nigella Lawson's Rani would be fabulous. Never again would The Doctor and his companion have to eat something like chicken. They could have yellow split pea and frankfurter soup! And Nigella can camp it up with the best of them, and suffocate her enemies with her gigantic breasts!

Joan Bakewell would, as Kate O'Mara did, mix intelligence with sexiness. The thinking man's crumpet. The thinking dyke's crumpet, too.

Julie Goodyear will not only bring her unique brand of campery to the part, but also a sense of panto, reminiscent of the original series. The fans will adore it. Plus, soap opera experience will please Russell T Davies who's turned Doctor Who into East Enders In Space.

Intergalactic domination hardly ever goes well and The Rani often ended up with egg on her face. Anne Kirkbride would be fabulous as The Rani, especially if she gets to use her catch phrase, "Ooh, I've made such a fool of meself, Ken."

Queen Elizabeth II could apply her military might and tap into her experience as Canada's commander in chief. Oh, and rani does mean queen in Hindi.

Barbra Streisand would be fabulous saying, "Die, you fucker." And then scratching a defenseless man's face with her long nails.

Debbie Reynolds would be marvellous for two reasons. About ninety nine per cent of Doctor Who fans are gay. They would love her. The second reason, she could get sci-fi coaching from her daughter, Princess Leia!

Annie Lennox is my final choice. A headbutting Scot with spikey hair would be a fabulous regenerated incarnaion for my favourite Doctor Who villain.

One thing, though, I'd hope Kate would take part in the show for a regeneration scene. My biggest upset about The Doctor's return was not seeing the eighth become the ninth. If I had to choose just one of my fantasy Ranis to play the part, it would have to be...

...Anne Kirkbride! She'd be totally hardcore.


Brian said...


I do not like your Rani candidates. Try again. I command it.

David said...

Maybe I'm missing something, but I thought all the other Time Lords were dead.

Brian said...

You'll have to forgive David. He hasn't seen Runaway Bride and doesn't know what a Bio-Dampener is.

japanesewhispers said...

Annie Lennox has a hair lip and the only reason I know that is because I looked up hair lip after your wedding post. Isn't that weird? I didn't know that about her and we're best of friends!

RIC said...

Fantabulous set of photos!
Congrats on your taste!
I've loved it! :-)

Old Cheeser said...

Great post darling, and what an interesting choice of candidates for the part of the Randi, I mean Rani.

Kate O'Mara is rather old now and the part woulld most likely need to be recast, although in her day she definitely brought a certain camp panache to the role. Well what do you expect from a woman who once sunbathed topless on a North Sea cross channel ferry under grey skies/in a gale? The woman is truly versatile! And do you know which 80s soap I am referring to?

Meanwhile I've got high hopes for John Simm in the season finale, whether he's playing the Master or not! That clip of him banging out the heartbeat on the table was creepy.

The March Hare said...

I agree on everything about Annie Lennox (of course) but what IS 'hair lip'?

zona said...

that's a primo rack on the glorious leader but annie would be a better lay.

who's The Rani?

japanesewhispers said...

A hare lip is the kind of lip you have my dear. Assuming you're a real hair. Also known as a cat lip or hmmm let me check the net for the PC version ... Ah ... a cleft palate. Regardless, I love Annie! I wouldn't let the fact she has a hideous hare lip put me off kissing her. The fact she's a woman, that would put me off.

Minge said...

Anything can happen in sci-fi. Rose is supposed to be dead, remember, but she's not.

I love Kate O'Mara. My earliest memories are of her in Triangle. I fancied Larry Lamb. Fondest memories are of her in Doctor Who. Most hilarious moment - as Patsy Stone's sister.

I'm talking about her like she's dead.

Old Cheeser said...

Well she's quite old now at any rate.

And yep she was great as Jackie in "Ab Fab" - she had lots of choice lines. "I don't know much about antiques, the only Chippendale I sat on had two legs". And on Saffy: "Well - too late to flush her now".

The March Hare said...

I can assure you all that Annie Lennox does NOT have a hair lip. I repeat: she does NOT have a hair lip. As a genuine Annie fan from the first hour again I repeat: shes does NOT have a... So being Dutch I still don't have a clue what this is all about, but still I can assure you all that Annie Lennox does NOT have a hare lip!

Kapitano said...

Caroline Quentin?

Danni Minogue?

Or even...Billie Piper!

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