Films

I've been tagged, dear reader, by Old Cheeser. Click here to read all about his favourite films. But remember to come back and read about mine!

20 Star Trek: First Contact


Campery in space and the tying up of loose ends, loose ends you didn't know were loose.

19 Memoirs Of A Geisha


No need to give a synopsis as almost the entire planet has seen this film. I adored the cinematography. Beautiful. I was very let down, though, by the number of times and the ways the film strayed from the book. Poor!

18 Rebecca


A man with a secret, a lesbian maid, a näive new wife and a plot with more twists and turns than a mountain railway. This is a fabulous film, made when Lawrence Olivier was as hot as he ever got.

I remember watching this with Mum when I was really far too young to understand all the subtleties. Every time I've seen it since the age of seven, I've learned a little bit more. It's actually better than the book. But that's just my opinion.

17 Donnie Darko


Thriller, sci-fi, horror - all the genres required for perfect viewing. And a hot young actor thrown in for good measure! Draw the curtains, sit back, relax and enjoy this weird masterpeice.

16 Freaky Friday


A children's classic. See how camp Barbara Harris can be with a cigarette.

I first saw this for 20p at my school's film club. I was thrown out of the hall for laughing too loudly and banned from the club for ever.

15 The Crying Game


An unconventional classic mixing sex, sexuality and terrorism. This film made such an impression on me, after watching it all the way through, I re-wound the tape and watched it again. The prisoner scenes are the best.

14 Life Is Sweet


Mike Leigh tells the remarkable story of an unremarkable British family. Alison Steadman, Jim Broadbent and Jane Horrocks (with Nutella) excel. Marxism can be funny.

13 Beautiful Thing


Boy meets boy. A dream? No, it's all real, sometimes horribly real. Jonathan Harvey's best. Tameka Empson (3 Non Blondes) and Linda Henry are the real stars. Their final scene is a show stopper. Are they lezzing off? Or mucking about?

The comedy is first class, and the story, moving. I cry every time I see it.

With songs from Mama Cass to carry the whole affair along, it's a feel-good film, a film that makes one feel good about being gay.

12 The Hours


All three leading ladies (Kidman, Moore, and Streep) kiss another woman at some point during the film. It's quite gay.

11 Powertool


If you thought Prisoner: Cell Block H was camp, this will blow your mind. Basically, Jeff Stryker plays a character who has just been sent to prison. Can't remember the crime. But that's not really the issue. And to be frank, there isn't much of a plot. But there are lots of fabulous 1980s hair-styles and massive cocks!

10 Brokeback Mountain


A timeless love story that just happens to be between two men. I'm surprised that this film actually comes in at #10 in my list, but, on carfeul consideration, it's because I find it difficult to watch. Not because it's badly made or poorly acted, no, but because it's so sad. I think I've seen Brokeback Mountain about five or six times. I have tears in my eyes during much of the film - but I spend the final thirty minutes sobbing, inconsolable.

9 Multiple Maniacs


This black and white movie was John Waters' second feature length film - and what a film! I really did not know what to expect from it on opening up the DVD case for the first time. I'd heard about it, but only vague things such as, "It's really wild," and "I couldn't believe it..." My friend Peter gave it to me as a gift. It's the most fabulous thing he's ever given me.

A travelling freakshow/circus opens in Baltimore. Actual homosexuals kiss and there's a promise of someone eating vomit. Come the end of the show (featuring lesbians!) Lady Divine (Divine) steals from the spectators. Then she kills them.

Divine's boyfriend is worse than Divine. He's having an affair! A local bar-maid, Edith (Massey) reports the treachery to Lady Divine. Divine decides to go to the bar and confront the cheating pair. Sadly, on the way, she gets raped by two young men.

She then decides to go to church. Where she meets Mink (Mink Stole). Mink shows Lady Divine how to use a rosary in a completely new way. Their lesbian sex is interlaced with scenes of religious iconography from inside the church. I love this. It's sheer rebellion.

Come the end, Lady Divine murders her boyfriend and eats his internal organs, but karma comes and bites her on the arse when she gets raped by a giant lobster.

Really, dear reader, who needs drugs when there are movies like this to see?

8 The Exorcist


I saw this on a pirate video some time in the early 1990s. It had been banned on video in the UK for years. I was so upset and scared, that after seeing the film, I read the Bible for a bit, sang The Lord Is My Shepherd out loud, recited The Lord's Prayer and went to bed with the light on. I'm not joking.

Of course, seeing it now, it's almost a joke, but at the time, and in my immaturity, it was the most frightening thing I'd ever seen.

Rumours Of Whores released a song called Cake me in vomit which, dear reader, has an awful lot to do with this nasty film. Check it out.

French and Saunders do a good spoof, too.

I think we're looking at cystitis.

7 Serial Mom


More from John Waters, though this time, no Divine and no Edith Massey. However, we are treated to a fabulous exchange on the telephone between Mink Stole and Kathleen Turner, reminiscent of 1950s soap operas and probably the best telephone conversation ever portrayed on film. I had no idea Kathleen had such a vile mouth - and it's fabulous. I love shocking film, though not shocking for the sake of it. This film's use of shock is, I believe, a reaction to the public's opinions of outlandish murderers such as Ted Bundy and Charles Manson. Turning killings into comedy is pure genius. If done properly. And this was most certainly done imporperly! Turning genius into ingenious!

6 Now, Voyager


The most famous line from this movie was said by the character Charlotte Vale (Bette Davis) to Jerry Durrance (Paul Henreid): "Oh, Jerry don't let's ask for the moon, we have the stars!"

Utterly camp, but not cheesy. Very moving. Beautiful.

5 Life Is Beautiful


Guido Orefice's (played by Roberto Benigni) relationship with his wife and son is played out so beautifully with the kind of comedy most fitting to a tragic comedy, laughing with the characters, not at them. Forget popcorn to accompany this movie. A viewer needs lots and lots of tissues.

And, no! Not because of that, you dirty pig! Because you'll be crying!

4 The Wizard Of Oz


I'm a gay. Of course I love this movie.

3 Polyester


A 1981 John Waters film starring Divine, Tab Hunter, Edith Massey, and Mink Stole. It was filmed in Waters' native Baltimore, Maryland, and features a gimmick called "Odorama", whereby viewers could smell what they saw on screen through "scratch and sniff" cards. Sadly, no such cards came with the DVD. I wasn't born when the film was first released to cinemas.

The film is a satire of suburban life, involving alcoholism, the religious right, adultery, foot fetishism, abortion, and divorce.

Poor Francine Fishpaw. Her husband is a rat, but she'll sniff him out. All with the help of the delightful Cuddles.

Everyone loves Cuddles.

Click here for a clip.

2 Female Trouble


Better than Richard Speck.

1 Meet Me In St Louis


Judy at her finest.

A 1944 romantic musical from Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer which tells the story of four sisters living in St. Louis at the time of the Louisiana Purchase Exposition World's Fair in 1904.

It stars Judy Garland, Margaret O'Brien, Mary Astor, Lucille Bremer, Leon Ames, Tom Drake, June Lockhart, and Marjorie Main.

The movie was adapted by Irving Brecher and Fred F. Finklehoffe from a series of short stories by Sally Benson, originally published in The New Yorker magazine and later in the novel 5135 Kensington.

It was directed by Vincente Minnelli, who met his future wife, Judy Garland, on the set. In the film, Garland debuted the standards "The Trolley Song" and "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" which were written by Hugh Martin and Ralph Blane and other several other songs.

The musical score (but not the original songs) were composed by Roger Edens. The song You and I was written by Nacio Herb Brown and Arthur Freed, who was also the producer of the film. Freed also dubbed the singing voice for Leon Ames. Mary Astor's singing voice was dubbed by D. Markas.

Esther and Tootie make a fine double act. They battle it out in the campery stakes, never sure who actually won. It's a film about love, love on so many levels. The love of one's home, romantic love, family love and a love of life.

Laugh, dear reader, and cry.

I'm tagging:

Krafty Bitch
Kapitano
A Novelist
JAG
Dert
Gab
Rand
Conor
Enda
Brighton David
American David
Alan
Brett
Dan
Nomad
Lewis
Brian
Bill
China
Michèle
Zona

What utter fabulousness, my little maid.