Friday, December 01, 2006

?

I've not been a very good blogger, recently, dear reader. Go on, tell me to my face. I can take it.

I do have an excuse, though.

The truth is, I've been worried - and that's the understatement of the century.

I've been going back and forth, over the past month or so, to my GP. A lump came up on my tongue, which in turn became a crater, which in turn, began to bleed.

After a few episodes of crossed wires and/or thoughlessness, I, yesterday, went for an emergency appointment at the Ear Nose and Throat Department, Lauriston Buildings, Edinburgh. It's in a building which used to make up part of the former Edinburgh Royal Infirmary before it moved to Little France.


I knew the reasons I was going. I was as prepared as I could have been, and as scared as I could have been. On making the appointment for me, my GP used long, scary and horrible words on the telephone with the registrar. I knew all the by-words for cancer and tumour.

So I saw the registrar yesterday. He was very nice. Jamie, was his name. He wanted to put me at ease, patting me and stroking me on the shoulder on more than one occasion. I can't say it worked. His actions simply promoted the idea, in my mind, that there was indeed something to worry about. When asking my GP if there was something to worry about, her having arranged an emergency appointment for me and using all those nasty words, she responded, "Oh, it's probably nothing."

I asked Jamie, point-blank, if he thought I had
cancer. His reply wasn't really to my liking, though it could have been worse.

"You have a small tumour," he said. "It could be benign, it could be malignant. It's about a fifty fifty chance."

Did he study the same don't scare them course as my GP? Her saying, it's probably nothing meant
it's probably something. Did his fifty fifty comment mean highly likely? Who knows, dear reader?

I might find out today, once my trip to Little France is done. Having said that, it might take a fortnight. I'm not sure why nor how, but these are the things I can remember.

We live, we die and we forget that all in between is temporary. When we remember, it comes as something of a jolt.

My fabulous boyfriend, Ian, spent yesterday and the day before with me at home and at the hospital. I feel more settled now, knowing what's coming and how long I might have to wait for the answers to questions I might not necessarily want to ask. He's at work now, thinking of me, as I get ready to take the bus to my fate.

I'm not crying any more. I've not done so since last night. I'm used to the idea, I suppose, that is all. I'm not feeling optimistic nor brave. Just used to the idea.

So I'm sorry for not being a good blogger, dear reader. I hope you can forgive me. And I will be trying harder in future. I just hope I'm given reason to look to the future.

It's strange, in the comments sections of recent posts, people have been speaking about tongues and death. One wonders how much of ones subconscious leaks out into ones conscious life.

25 comments:

zona boy said...

my thoughts and very best wishes are with you my friends

Brian said...

Thinking of you.

coal2k said...

Love you hon. I have everything crossed. No really, everything ;)

Anonymous said...

Oh Minge, you are in my thoughts and in my prayers. Know that I am just an email away if you need to talk. xoxo

Lex Ham Rand said...

I will think positive thoughts and send them your way today, Minge.

I know it won't be fun but you CAN do this and things will work out.

Moncrief Speaks said...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

RIC said...

You'll get over it, Minge, I'm sure! Whatever it may be, either or... Because you have a very positive mind and a great attitude towards life! You'll see!
(Just a small request: would you be so kind as to change the title of this post?... Thank you so very much!)
All my thoughts are with you!
Best wishes!
Hugs!

Anonymous said...

sending you good thoughts!

Anonymous said...

Blimey matey... Me and Jo are sending you lots of love and good thoughts and suchlike, with everything crossed that it's the lesser of two evils :)

Hang in there :)

Carioca said...

Well, I came to this blog for the 1st time a very little time ago. But I can see you're a very strong person.
I'm sure you'll be able to defeat any kind of supposed health problem. And don't forget, it's only supposed.
You'll be OK, you'll see.
Hugs!

graham said...

Oh Minge, I really hope it turns out to be nothing.
xx

graham said...

Oh Minge, I really hope it turns out to be nothing.
xx

Anonymous said...

There's nothing any of us readers can really do to help, medically or emotionally. But you know we're thinking of you, and crossing our collective fingers for you.

Anonymous said...

I'd be quiet to if I had this to think about. You need to take care of you first and not worry about us.

Cross the pond good thoughts sending your way.

Minge said...

Thank you, all, for your kind thoughts and good wishes. I had the biopsy. Now I wait. Trying to think positive. Your kind words were no end of help in this matter. Thank you, again. Kisses.

stickola said...

Sending my love,

Nicki xxx

Enda p said...

Bugger! My thoughts are with you, sweetness!

gab said...

will be thnking of u as always xxxxxx

RIC said...

Thank you!...

Anonymous said...

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I do not know what to give for Christmas of the to friends, advise something ....

Anonymous said...

A hand job?

Anonymous said...

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I Love songs Justin Timberlake and Paris Hilton

Anonymous said...

Sending healing vibey things your way.

mwah

Anonymous said...

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ass parade
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About Christmas
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Anonymous said...

Hello. Prompt how to get acquainted with the girl it to me to like. But does not know about it
I have read through one history
Each of you has your personal story; it is your history. Keeping a diary or writing your feelings in a special notebook is a wonderful way to learn how to think and write about who you are -- to develop your own identity and voice.

People of all ages are able to do this. Your own history is special because of your circumstances: your cultural, racial, religious or ethnic background. Your story is also part of human history, a part of the story of the dignity and worth of all human beings. By putting opinions and thoughts into words, you, too, can give voice to your inner self and strivings.

A long entry by Anne Frank on April 5, 1944, written after more than a year and a half of hiding from the Nazis, describes the range of emotions 14-year-old Anne is experiencing:

". . . but the moment I was alone I knew I was going to cry my eyes out. I slid to the floor in my nightgown and began by saying my prayers, very fervently. Then I drew my knees to my chest, lay my head on my arms and cried, all huddled up on the bare floor. A loud sob brought me back down to earth, and I choked back my tears, since I didn't want anyone next door to hear me . . .

"And now it's really over. I finally realized that I must do my school work to keep from being ignorant, to get on in life, to become a journalist, because that's what I want! I know I can write. A few of my stories are good, my descriptions of the Secret Annex are humorous, much of my diary is vivid and alive, but . . . it remains to be seen whether I really have talent . . .

"When I write I can shake off all my cares. My sorrow disappears, my spirits are revived! But, and that's a big question, will I ever be able to write something great, will I ever become a journalist or a writer? I hope so, oh, I hope so very much, because writing allows me to record everything, all my thoughts, ideals and fantasies.

"I haven't worked on Cady's Life for ages. In my mind I've worked out exactly what happens next, but the story doesn't seem to be coming along very well. I might never finish it, and it'll wind up in the wastepaper basket or the stove. That's a horrible thought, but then I say to myself, "At the age of 14 and with so little experience, you can't write about philosophy.' So onward and upward, with renewed spirits. It'll all work out, because I'm determined to write! Yours, Anne M. Frank

For those of you interested in reading some of Anne Frank's first stories and essays, including a version of Cady's Life, see Tales From the Secret Annex (Doubleday, 1996). Next: Reviewing and revising your writing