Oh, Britters. What are you doing, hen? Please tell me because I think I'll otherwise explode with a nervous excitement not felt since Dannii Minogue tried to insert a cucumber into my back passage, back-stage at Kylie's Intimate And Live concert in Sheperd's Bush, 1998.
Going out with nae knickers on and showing off your fanny, driving around with your baby on your lap, smoking far too many fags, drinking like a fish... All these things are terrible, but shaving all your hair off? What the hell were you thinking...?
And what am I thinking? To be honest, I don't know. What I'm really trying to get to grips with is why I, like so many other people, find
- a female shaving her head to be shocking behaviour
- Britney shaving her head to be more shocking that driving with her baby on her lap
Or is she simply out to shock?
If she is simply out to shock, can someone please help me understand why a woman shaving all her hair off is a shocking thing to do? Men do it all the time and no-one bats an eyelid. I suppose it's easy to make a statement with a hairstyle and it can be worn like a badge. A hippy might grown it long, a Nazi might order a Jewish woman to have it shawn. It's visual impact is always severe.
Poor women, even now, sell their hair to make some money. A shaven head might be seen as a sign of destitution. Is Britney trying to tell the world that money means nothing to her? Or has she had some kind of religious experience? Is she embracing the notions of poverty, chastity and obedience?
By the way, dear reader, if you have a spare million dollars, you can buy Britney's hair. Click here to find out how.
Or is Britney on a path of renewal? Clothes are easily changed, even names - but removal of hair is literally removing a part of oneself. Radical change. Unrecognisable against photo ID.
Of course, Britney could be about to come out. As what? I hear you cry. A lesbian, dear reader, is the answer. She could be about to tell the world that she's a dyke. Naturalists have a lot to say about hair and what it means. It is thought that human females wearing it long is a throw back to our pre-human past and there for our babies to hold on to. Its gloss, lustre and healthy look are seen as signs of a woman's ability to conceive and a subliminal courtship invitation to men. Is Britney's hair removal a statement about a new aversion to reproduce? Or an end to her heterosexuality? Of course, there are lots of lezzas with long hair, it could mean nothing, but there's nothing like shaving all your hair off, going out without any make-up on and wearing a pair of dungarees to announce your lesbianism. Long hair in women is an overt sign of femininity. One cannot get away from that. An unfeminine or butch woman is still seen by society as abnormal - and that's why I think Britney's shaven head is seen as so shocking. So good for her.
There's another option, of course. Her divorce has cost her a lot of money and she's looking for ways to economise. Shampoo can be expensive!
Whatever the reason, Britney must now be very aware that she's lost those notorious pop princess and girlie labels. She'll now be found in the rebel, wild and mad boxes.
There have been other women with shaven heads or women who've lost their hair. Natalie Portman, Sinéad O'Connor, Gail Porter, Demi Moore and Siouxsie Sioux are all very different women, but all tarred with the confidence brush. A sign, then, perhaps, that this is not a sign of weakness in Britney or that things are about to fall apart, but more a sign of strength. And while strength is another trait never seen as normal in a woman, it is a good thing to see. Another abnormal chapter in Britney's life is being played out before us, a chapter in a life which, if we're frank has never been normal. And normality is so dull.
You go, girl!
And ditch the wig!