Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Gunk

Guten tag, huren!

Did you see Tribe last night? It was fabulous. Just when I though biofuels might save the planet, I'm shown how they're actually wrecking it.

I went to see Dr Bermingham (not Birmingham) this morning. We discussed my ongoing chest/coughing/mucus problems. I told him that I've a notion I'm allergic to dairy. Or at least, I have an intolerance. Or maybe wheat. My ever fabulous GP told me there's only one way to find out. I have to consume some and see what happens. But in a controlled experiment, of course. The only trouble is, I don't want to. I've avoided wheat and dairy since yesterday and to be frank, I'm fine. Well, not perfectly fine, there's still a wee something up, but nothing like twenty four hours ago. At its worst, I feel like I'm drowning in gunk, my throat is killing me and I feel more depressed than a lesbian with super-long fingernails.

I'm not too worried about this. Dr Bermingham (I think his name is Mark) told me the symptoms of such allergies/intolerances usually manifest themselves pretty quickly. They can dissipate over a period of hours, sometimes days, sometimes weeks. It all depends on what my body doesn't like and how it's reacting to it.

Of course, it's still not a given fact that I am allergic to a certain foodstuff or group. To be sure of this, I have to have an allergy/intolerance test which I will arrange soon (it's not available on the NHS).

And he also explained that the unusually high number of sinus and chest infections I've suffered with this year can all be explained away by the disgracefully large amount of mucus I'm producing because of this allergy. It's a perfect breeding ground for viruses and bacteria. The nasty airborne cunts fly into my nose and throat when I breathe in and immediately find a nice home for themselves, somewhere wet, warm and full of food. Then, I suppose, they start having it off and having babies. Yuck.

At least I now know it's not all in my head. I was beginning to wonder. No, seriously. A cough can irritate the back of the mouth and throat. And an irritation can make for a sore throat. And a sore throat can make the best of us cough. See how my mind works, dear reader?

I'm to go back and see Mark in a few weeks. He told me he'd be interested to know how this develops. How kind.

And his likeness to Salty Sailor is as deliciously disturbing as ever. It's uncanny. Incidentally, you should click here for his very interesting article on air transport and taxation. And while I'm on the subject of blogs, my comedy partner has just begun a new one: Broken Chalk.

I thank you.

6 comments:

Krafty Bitch said...

You know, I was just thinking yesterday as I read your letter if you might have the same effects of too much and sugar as I do. Whenever I eat processed foods, foods with sugar, or too much dairy, I, too, get an insane amount of mucus buildup in the back of my throat. I've found that if I steer clear of them, I'm right as rain.

Kapitano said...

Poor Minge. Still, at least he's being phlegmatic about it all.

Ba dum tish

And he's not being snotty either.

Ba dum ti... Erm, anyway.

Get the tests done soon, and find out what the hell is wrong.

RIC said...

Wie wagst du überhaupt, mich als Hure anzusprechen?! Wie???!!! Hast du wohl alle Tassen nicht mehr im Schrank? Von keinem Blogger wurde ich bisher so shrecklich beleidigt!
Eine unerträgliche Verleumdung!
Ich bin jetzt wirklich sehr böse auf dich!
Lol!!!
(Any help for translation?... Lol!)
:-)

Mr. Anjou said...

I know very little about lactose intolerance, but have long wondered if it's something (else) one should worry about.

Wikipedia: "Since lactose intolerance is the normal state for most adults on a worldwide scale, and not considered a disease condition, diagnosis is not necessarily required. However, if it is necessary to confirm lactose intolerance (for example, in a patient of European ancestry in whom a genetic tolerance for lactose might normally be expected), a lactose tolerance test, a hydrogen breath test, or a stool acidity test is required for a clinical diagnosis" etc. etc.

I do hope you start improving. I may have to start tracking your various health concerns on a spreadsheet.

Salty Sailor said...

never mind your mucus problems...... you've GOT to sneak a picture of this supposedly gorgeous doctor!

japanesewhispers said...

Is "huren" Nazi for "Hen" or "whores"?