I want to light up the night like fireworks!

A new cathartic meme for today, courtesy of Rand, hunk of blogland and Voix, queen of the blogosphere.


If I were:


If I were rich, I would have a solid gold toilet, have a butler to wipe my bottom with twenty pound notes, eat nothing but tiramisu and have liposuction once a month.

If I were smarter, I would be the head of NASA. I'd have taken the human race back to the moon, and beyond, possibly to Mars.

If I were a more disciplined writer, I'd have finished my novel by now. Let's look at a very bad excerpt:

I thought I’d come down to London, find myself a new set of friends, just start again.

So, ok, living above a chip shop near Kings Cross was not fun. Prostitutes, rent boys, pushers. I saw it all: fights, people shooting up on street corners and others fucking in skips. I saw life. Same things, different place.

I then started thinking about the conversation I’d had with Brenda from the shop, the day before I left. Was I looking for evolution, much of the same, though changing, or revolution, nothing the same, totally different?

Looking out from my bedsit window, parting the filthy nets, I saw the same, knew it had to utterly change and made up my mind.

Trawling the streets, looking for something to do, I found a discarded flyer, promoting a film makers’ workshop. Dad used to have a cine camera, which I always loved, especially when he used the slow-motion or speed functions. My inner child, excited, was banging on my chest, eager to get out, press buttons, flirt, read scripts.

The next day, a passing tourist was ripe for the provision of a camcorder. I doubt he even knew it was gone until he’d got back to his hotel room. Back in my room, I saw there was very little footage on the cassette, and what there was, was totally boring. An old woman sitting near the fountains in Trafalgar Square and a scene from Parliament Square, Big Ben chiming two o’clock.

If I were more ambitious, I'd have roped Wolfgang Tillmans in to making a video for one of our Rumours Of Whores songs (he owes me a favour), performed it as a duet with Madonna and found that Shane and I had been catapulted to the number one spot in the UK singles chart.

If I were better organized, I'd have never lost the negatives/proofs and sketches of John Barrowman's cock. I'd now be very wealthy indeed. Oh, and my desk would be tidy, to boot.

If I were not such a complete idiot when I was in my twenties, I wouldn't be where I am today nor know the people I know now, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank God for idiocy.

Finis: There's only so much you can learn in once place. The more that I wait, the more time that I waste.