Rainbow

Hurrah! Rainbow is returning to our TV screens. Sadly, though, it's only repeats.

Click here to see the full news story.

I'm still hoping and praying that a new series will one day be made.

Embra

I went into the city today, namely to buy a light fitting for the living room. Oh, what's the best term to use? Living room? Lounge? Front room? Sitting room? What?

Anyway, I bought it, then popped into Sainsbury's (that vile store for people who have delusions of toffdom) for some smokes. Madonna was in there with Dannii Minogue. They were arguing over the last Creme Egg in the box by the till. I waded in with a, "Break it up you slags!" (I can be quite butch and masterful at times) and calmed the situation down. I told them to go shares on the Creme Egg and to have half each once paid for. Madonna was quite keen on this idea, but not Dannii. You see, she didn't actually want to eat it. She wanted to use it. I need say no more, right!? So I told Dannii to buy a galaxy caramel egg - and the end result would be more realistic. She did. What would these bints do without Minge? Our Glorious Leader bought the Creme Egg, licked out the creme and threw the chocolate in the bin. I praised her for using the bin and not throwing it on the floor, but I dissed her for being such a wasteful bitch.

After sorting out their spat, I bought my Hamlet Miniatures. The guy in the kiosk was rank. He really stank of at least three days worth of sweat. Vile. I didn't put the change he gave me back in my wallet, I put it in my shopping bag and put it to soak in bleach once I got home.

I was so disgusted with his stench that I decided to cast a spell on him. I'd tell you the spell, but with power comes responsibility and I can't have joe public knowing how to turn people into rats or, this particular spell, where someone's clothes (but not their undies) fall off. Sadly, after getting so worked up with Dannii and Madonna, I said the spell slightly wrong, slightly, just slightly. I just got out of the store when my cardigan and jacket fell off and I found my tweed skirt around my ankles! Thankfully I was wearing my silk bloomers because that skirt makes my bum dead itchy if I wear my usual thong - so I retained my modesty. Not a single person saw a bum cheek.

I felt such a fool - and the spell lasts twenty four hours! This meant that every time I put my clothes back on, they just fell off again! So I had to go to the bus stop in my bra, bloomers, stockings and stilettoes. The bloody bus driver wouldn't let me on! So I hailed a taxi - he said he couldn't take half-dressed passengers. He'd take me if I was naked, but not semi-naked. Oaf! I hailed several more cabs, but got the same response every time. Cunts! So I had to walk home. It took me an hour. I'll be lucky not to get chillblains.

Mink

I just have to share this photograph with you, dear readers. They are my two favourite things of the moment:

My Doctor Who Dalek Easter egg

&

A signed photograph to me from Mink Stole! Click on the photograph to enlarge. It reads, "To Royston - Pussy! That's what she said to me! Mink Stole." She's quoting from Serial Mom.

This signed photograph is now one of my most treasured possessions of all time. I think I'll want it buried with me.

Nippon

We've decided to go back to Japan in early September.

I'd really like to go to Okinawa and once again to Tokyo, where we'll hopefully stay with our pals Alan and Junya. The trouble is, deciding where else to go is a minefield! Other than Tokyo, I don't really want to go back to the same places.

In 2004, we went to Tokyo, Kyoto, Hiroshima, Beppu and Matsuyama. If anyone reading this can suggest other places for a great visit, please leave a comment!

I've been perusing the JNTO website - but there's so much, I can't see the wood for the trees!

decor

We've been stripping wallpaper today. All day. I'm knackered. To top it all, the new sofas were delivered this morning just after eight. I was out of bed at seven. Not good for a Saturday. I'm ready to hit they hay.

Goat

A man has been forced to marry a goat after he was found having sex with it, according to Aunty.

Click here to read the whole sorry tale.

I can't believe this is on the BBC!

Records

This week, according to iTunes, I have mostly been listening to:

Ti Sento - Matia Bazar
Losing My Mind - Liza Minnelli
Sorry (PSB Maxi Mix) - Madonna
Come In - Ensemble Opus Posth
Comin' Back (radio edit) - Bent
I Can't Wait - Nu Shooz
Irritating Noises - Bent
Try It (I'm In Love With A Married Man) - Pet Shop Boys
Goin' Back - Dusty Springfield
Love & Hate (edit) - Ryuichi Sakamoto/Holly Johnson

No wearing of female attire was involved.

Photography

I've been having an ebay day today.

Getting rid of all my junk was all so terribly dull and tiresome, so I decided to do something fabulous. I've been thinking about it for a while and have just plucked up the courage to go through with it.

"But what is it?" I hear you cry.

I've put some photographs of my hands and feet up for sale on ebay. Click here to see all my items.

Am I a mental?

Beans

I'm so excited - and quite tempted to bid... You may well know that there's a guy selling beans, one by one, on ebay, all for charity of course... Click here to see Pet Shop Beans!

Still on the subject of beans... I sold a tin last week for £0.99. The girl who bought them lives somewhere in England. She just wants them sent to her! What's wrong with popping to the corner shop? It can't be laziness, or she'd shop online with one of the major supermarkets who deliver.

Do you think she has a fetish about beans? Did she think it was code for something else and I'm now going to send her my dirty undies? I've had a look back at some of the items she's bought in the past. I think she's a bit of a dirty bitch. She's bought heavy duty fish net tights, a sexy little miss muffett costume and a black basque/suspenders/thong set.

I don't know if I want to send her my nice beans. What the hell is she going to do with them?

Anyway, I was quite chuffed at selling them for £0.99, so I put another tin up for sale. Some guy has just emailed me asking how many beans there are in the tin! I'm serious! Click here to see the item (I've put the question on the listing so you can see it) or here to look at all my other items.

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad world.

Penrith

Looks like my kind of platform. I must take a trip to Penrith!

kmph

The UK Metric Association says the UK should adopt metric road signs and furthermore should set a date for it, as soon as possible.

I'd agree.

At school (and I think it's from 1974 at the latest - before I was born), children are taught metric measures, kilometres, metres, centimetres et cetera. Isn't it a bit confusing, then, for them to have to grasp how many yards it is until the next junction? I know when I'm on the road, I think a yard is similar to a metre, so when I see a sign for ten yards, I simply think it's ten metres. However, a yard and a metre are not the same. The distance might be comparable when it's five or ten, but five hundred? That's completely different. For example, one metre is 1.094 yards, but five hundred metres is five hundred and forty seven yards - and so on. Confusing for children or those of us who grew up going to school being taught metric measurements. Hardly a case for safety on the roads, is it!? The current dual system does no favours to anyone.

Also, didn't the Magna Carta demand one system of weights and measures for the whole country? Ok, so the Magna Carter was applicable only in England, but were these principles not adopted by the whole of the UK with its inauguration in the Act Of Union in 1800/1801? Answers on a postcard, please...

Imperial measures are obsolete. The only place they are now used is on the roads. Imperial measures are also messy and difficult to understand. Do you know how many ounces (oz) there are in a pound (lb)? Sixteen. Call me old fashioned, but I had to look it up. So you'd think there are sixteen pounds to a stone!? No! There are fourteen pounds to a stone. Eight stone is a hundred weight (cwt) and twenty hundred weight makes a ton. Also, where is the z in ounce? Where is the l and the b in pound? Where is the c in hundred weight? Confused? I certainly am. Metric is easy. Every measure is to the power of ten, ie, 10, 100, 100 and so on. Ten millimetres is one centimetre, one hundred centimetres make a metre, one thousand metres and you have a kilometre. Do you know how many inches make a foot? How many feet make a yard? How many yards there are to a mile? Do you know what a slug is? Or what a poundal is? No-one uses such terms these days, so why are we forced to use out-dated measures like inches, feet, yards and miles?

I got this from the UK Metric Association website:

Calculations take a single step

Suppose we want to find how much paint is needed to cover a wall. The wall's measurements are either 4.37 m long and 2.39 m high, or 14 feet 4 inches by 7 feet 10 inches; what's its area?

Metric case

The decimal basis of metric means we can find the answer straight away (with the aid of a calculator) as 4.37 x 2.39 = 10.4443 or approximately 10.4 m².

Imperial case

Now we have to multiply 14 feet 4 inches by 7 feet 10 inches to get the result in square feet.

We can't do this directly without either converting to inches or decimalising the measurements in feet. Either way requires extra arithmetic:

14 feet 4 inches = (14 x 12) + 4 = 172 inches

7 feet 10 inches = (7 x 12) + 10 = 94 inches

Then 172 x 94 = 16 168 sq inches = 16 168 ÷ 144 = 112.278 or approximately 112 square feet.

Alternatively:

4 inches = 4 ÷ 12 = 0.333 feet

10 inches = 10 ÷ 12 = 0.833 feet

14.333 x 7.833 = 112.271 or approximately 112 square feet.

You might object that working in feet alone is, roughly, accurate. But why not choose a simpler, more direct method - metric - that allows any degree of precision?

---

Very interesting, I'm sure you'll agree.

Metrication began thirty five years ago. Isn't it about time we now completed the process?

Bird flu

Breaking news!

First victim of bird flu confirmed.

F

Just read on Metro that a teenager has been fined £80.00 by a policeman (fixed penalty notice) for saying the F word.

If I was fined £80.00 every time I said it, I would now be penniless.

Click here to see the whole story.

The Hildert files

The above photograph was the first image to come up when I did an image search on my name on Google.

Ten of the best movies I've ever seen:
1. Brokeback Mountain
2. Serial Mom
3. Female Trouble
4. Mame
5. Pink Flamingos
6. Polyester
7. Desperate Living
8. Now, Voyager
9. The Others
10. The Crying Game

The ten best Pet Shop Boys songs:
1. Being boring
2. What have I done to deserve this?
3. How I learned to hate rock 'n' roll
4. Hit and miss
5. It always comes as a surprise
6. Betrayed
7. Delusions of grandeur
8. Flamboyant
9. For your own good
10. Was that what it was?

The ten worst Pet Shop Boys songs:
1. Sexy northerner
2. Disco potential
3. I get along
4. Birthday boy
5. Email
6. Liberation (e-smoove 12" mix)
7. Time on my hands
8. One and one make five
9. The theatre
10. West end girls (dj hell mix)

The best albums of the past twelve months:
1. Madonna - Confessions On A Dance Floor
2. Sugababes - Taller In More Ways

The best discoveries of the past twelve months:
1. Emmylou Harris
2. Ensemble Opus Posth

Have read recently and should you too:
1. Sylvia Plath - The Bell Jar
2. Arthur Golden - Memoirs Of A Geisha

You really shouldn't bother:
1. Edmund White - The Married Man
2. Roger McGough - Blazing Fruit (very bad poetry)

My favourite beauty product:
Pout plump

All the guys I like(d) (not necessarily fancied) from reality TV shows:
Pete Burns
Stephan Booth
John Barrowman
Colin Jackson
Will Thorp
Darren Gough
Dennis Rodman
Shayne Ward
Kemal Shahin
Bruce Forsyth

The last famous person I met:
Dannii Minogue

Most recent embarrasing moment:
A shop assistant blatantly checking out my package in a clothes shop

When I die, I want to be buried in:
A forest in Scotland

All my pets in chronological order:
Rexy
Smudgy
Brandy
Whisky
Muffy
Smoky
Babsy
Baby
Billy
Meg
Mary
(strange - the only one with a name not ending in a Y is Meg, and I didn't name her)

Dishy anchormen from BBC news which I saw FIRST:
1. Huw Edwards
2. Peter Dobbie
3. Tim Wilcox

Last visited hairdresser, and when:
Yo-Yo in Kinson, about two years ago

Last bought useful household utensil, and when:
Citrus juicer about three weeks ago - the last one smashed

Horrendous dutch words:
kut
bastaard
wijfje

Funny Scots words:
glaikit
besom
bawbag

When I die, please play at my funeral - top 5:
1. Someday I'll find you - Shola Ama
2. Your Funny Uncle - Pet Shop Boys
3. What Makes A Man A Man? - Marc Almond
4. Sunset - Kate Bush
5. I Don't Want To Say Goodbye - Teddy Thompson

Love (part deux)

Have been looking again at my Love post. Two songs came to mind, both by Pet Shop Boys, Heart and So Hard:

Heart

Every time I see you something happens to me
like a chain reaction between you and me

My heart starts missing a beat
My heart starts missing a beat
every time
Oh oh oh, every time

If I didn't love you
I would look around for someone else
but every time I see you
you have the same effect

My heart starts missing a beat
My heart starts missing a beat
every time
Oh oh oh, every time

Every time I hear your heart beat next to me
I'm in love with you
I mean what I say
I'm in love with you
and you don't know
what it means to be with you

Every time I see you
no matter what we do
there's a strange reaction
Can you feel it too?

My heart starts missing a beat
My heart starts missing a beat
every time
Oh oh oh, every time
Oh oh oh

Every time I hear your heart beat next to me
I'm in love with you
I mean what I say
I'm in love with you
and you don't know
what it means to be with you

Oh oh oh, every time
Oh oh oh, every time

Tennant/Lowe

So hard

I double-cross you
and you get mysterious mail
I've tried hard not to shock you
It's hard not to with the things I could say
Tell me why don't we try
not to break our hearts and make it so hard for ourselves?
Why don't we try
not to break our hearts and make it so hard for ourselves?

You lock your letters in a box
and you've hidden the key
I go one better - I'm indebted
to a contact magazine
Tell me why don't we try
not to break our hearts and make it so hard for ourselves?
Why don't we try
not to break our hearts and make it so hard for us?

Everybody's got to live together
just to find a little peace of mind there
If you give up your affairs forever
I will give up mine
But it's hard
so hard

I'm always hoping you'll be faithful
but you're not I suppose
We've both given up smoking 'cause it's fatal
so whose matches are those?
Tell me why don't we try
not to break our hearts and make it so hard for ourselves?

We make it so hard
(It's so hard)

Tell me why don't we try
not to break our hearts and make it so hard?
Tell me why don't we try
not to break our hearts and make it so hard for ourselves?
Not to break our hearts and make it so hard for ourselves?
We make it so hard for ourselves
We make it so hard
so hard
We make it so hard

Tennant/Lowe

Heart is a pure, unadulterated love song. So Hard comes from the point of view that we do indeed crave limited happiness. Love might be hard, but it's worth it.

Pet Shop Boys news:

Pet Shop Boys "Maxi-Mix" of Madonna's new single "Sorry" is now released on CD and can also be purchased on iTunes and other download sites.

An hour-long documentary about Pet Shop Boys is currently being filmed and will be shown on Channel 4 (in the UK) in May. A longer version will subsequently be released on DVD.

Pet Shop Boys will be performing their "Battleship Potemkin" music with the Northern Sinfonia orchestra at a free (but ticketed) event in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on May 1. Full details on the official website when they're available.

Before

These are the before shots of my vile lounge. I hope it's not too long before I can upload the after shots.

Everything about the room fills me with horror. The carpet, the light, the disgraceful border below the ceiling, the dado rail, the wallpaper, the curtains... Take it away!

I just can't understand how anyone could walk into a shop, see any of the things in my lounge and say, "Oh, isn't that lovely, we simply must have it!"

Dubya

I just wanted to say that I think George W Bush is a nasty little bitch.

Go to Google, type miserable failure into the search engine and click on I'm Feeling Lucky.

Oh, and this url is sheer irony: www.tinyurl.com/cunt

Transamerica

I've just seen the trailer for Transamerica - and I'm now desperate to see this movie!

It looks fabulous, wonderful, touching, funny... My perfect film! I've not seen it, obviously, and hope it comes out here in the UK, but I hope it gets an Oscar! I also hope Capote and Brokeback Mountain get an Oscar, too

For too long, Hollywood has shied away from daring topics involving sex and sexuality, then, suddenly, like busses, loads come along at once. Oscars for these films will send out the right kind of message to film producers that it's ok to make films with characters who are fey, transgendered, or with men who love other men.

Perhaps it's just a matter of money, I don't know, call me cynical. Perhaps now gay people, out from the closet, are considered a part of the masses, perhaps now Hollywood wants their bums on the seats in cinemas, wants their cash.

Or perhaps society in general is more open to non-traditional topics?

Whatever the reason, it's a good thing. I hope Hollywood keeps it up.

Oh, a pal told me a couple of weeks ago about a work colleague of his who had gone to see Brokeback Mountain. I can't remember what her opinion of the movie was, but she did say that she was distressed to see unpalatable scenes of graphic gay sex (I'm paraphrasing here) only thirty minutes into the film. Anyone reading this who has seen the movie will be shocked to read this, but I think that such comments illustrate how ignorant and narrow minded some people in the world still are today. Thank goodness that Hollywood is moving away from that.

Balls

Save the balls!

You simply must look at this blog!

Is it really such a big deal in America?

Or are these bloggers just slightly nuts?

Love

I'm going to tell you all about love.

It's basically a transcendental experience, or concept, easier to feel than to explain or understand, but I shall do my best.

The depth of love we feel can vary wildly. Someone might love strawberry cheesecake. They might also love their husband or wife. The fact that they love both things is for certain, but the depth that they feel for both is not equal.

Similarly, love also comes in many different forms. People love their parents, their pets and their significant others, but that love is not the same. Romantic love and family love are two very different things. East is east and west is west and never the twain shall meet. Not necessarily the case with love. Some people do indeed fall in love with members of their close family; brother, sister, mother or father. In most, cultures of the world, this is frowned upon, if not illegal. However, in ancient Egypt, brothers and sisters often married. Of course, this is not to say they were in love with one another. Also, in ancient Rome, parents and children were often known to have sex with one another.

Society's demands and values wax and wane. Some things that are encouraged, approved of or fashionable today may be seen as obscene and wrong tomorrow.

However different the expression of love might have been over the ages, love in itself has never been seen as wrong, though some people do see it as a weakness.

Sex and the expression of sexuality may differ from culture to culture, but love remains constant. All people are capable of feeling love or being loved. This is what sets us apart from the animal kingdom. It is one aspect of us that makes us human.

Why do we love? What makes us take that step from liking something or someone to love?

Love may be seen as a beautiful thing, an expression of the ultimate human emotion, but I wonder if it's darker than that.

I believe love is selfish. We love something because we want it, we are a jealous species and in being so, demand something or someone we covet to keep only for ourselves. When falling in love, we desire our romantic partner to be kept exclusively for ourselves, to uncover their naked body only to ourselves. Why? Because we desire that thing, that person, in such a strong manner, we want that part of them which expresses love to us, their sex, their sexuality, only for ourselves. If we felt love in its simplest form, we would wish the object of our affections as much happiness as we feel ourselves in loving that person. But we don't. We don't want them to be happy if it means having sex with someone else or having a loving relationship with someone else, sometimes, even friendship with someone else. Again, why? Perhaps because we feel that those relationships may be a threat to the relationship we have with our beloved. We jealously guard that person from those perceived threats by demanding they keep themselves only for us. We do not care for their happiness, only for our own. That's why love is selfish.

Selfishness is not a good emotion. So is love?

That's up to you.

The more we love something or someone, the nearer to hate we get. We hate our beloved when they are unfaithful or do something we disapprove of. But why does our beloved do these things? For their own happiness, ultimately. If we loved that person, shouldn't we be happy that they are happy?

Someone may love their dog and they are happy (for the dog) when it's given a bone. Someone may love their wife, but they are not happy when she's kissed passionately by another man.

Love does not make us happy. It makes us fearful, uncovers jealousy in our hearts, makes us feel hatred, bitterness and anger.

Should those feelings, though, not be celebrated? We only feel those negative feelings because our love is so strong. If we did not love a person with such depth or if we did not love a person at all, we would not care who they slept with, who they kissed, who they went out on dates with, or with whom they had friendships.

As I said before, having emotions are one of the things that makes us human, the good ones as well as the bad.

Love is power, and with such power comes great responsibility. We are responsible for the happiness of the people we love. If we claim to care about them, we must want them to be happy. If that love is reciprocated, they must also want us to be happy, too.

So, here's the rub. For both parties to be happy in a relationship, there has to be compromise. Complete happiness cannot be gained through compromise, only partial happiness. Ultimately, then, we do not seek out happiness for our lovers, we only seek it for ourselves but accept and resign ourselves to the fact that complete love and ultimate happiness are unattainable things.

The question is, then, would we be happier without love in our lives? Probably not, or we would not have such a desire to keep seeking it. It's the perfect sado-masochistic experience.

The deeper the love we feel, the deeper the hate we are capable of feeling. Every action has a reaction, both equal and opposite. Things we must learn to live with lest we not feel even partial happiness but no happiness at all.

Decorating

About three weeks ago, a butch lesbian came to our house to give us a quote for decorating the lounge. She said she'd have the quote to us within a couple of days. Almost a fortnight later, the quote arrived, by which time, I'd given up hope and contacted other contractors.

All the lazy dykes, they're all the same. ROFL!

A nice man came here on Saturday. Phyllis saw him, I went out with the dogs. I'm not good with strangers. Phylly said he was really nice and seemed to know what he was doing, filling Phyllis with confidence.

Within a couple of days, the quote came in, nine hundred and seventy pounds. The lesbian was going to do less and was attempting to charge me one thousand pounds!

Now, today, another guy came. He was really posh. I wondered if he knew David Cameron. He did not fill me with confidence, suggesting things I didn't want, like a glass door to the bathroom (yeah, I really want to see my Mum's boobs when she comes to stay). His handwriting was very gay. He wasn't wearing a wedding ring. His handshake was far from firm. Poof. Gay or not, I don't think I'd engage him to do the work. He didn't seem to know his arse from his elbow and he had an air of lavishness about him. He stank of money.

So, it looks like the second guy will be coming to fix up the rooms of the house we can afford to do at the moment. That's decorating the lounge, turning the old boiler cupboard into a larder and hanging new doors upstairs.

The sooner it's done, the better. The living room looks like a bomb site. I hate sitting in there, it's so depressing. I want serenity, opulence and tasteful colours.

The guy from Behar rang this morning to say the carpet is ready. He just needs us to give him a date now as to when it can be fitted. He'll just have to wait until I've heard from the decorator as to when he can start work. The carpet has to be the last thing to go down.

Bring it on!

IBS

I've got IBS. It's been three minutes since I did a toot.

Gosh, that feels better. I now know satisfaction, like when alcoholics go to AA meetings.

This post isn't me whinging, I just want to get it all out in the open.

I fart all the time, my stools go from something like gravy to something like a golf ball - and sometimes they're normal! I wish I could do something about it. I always seem to have tummy aches, cramps and wind. It really gets on my nerves. Anyone know any miracle cures? Good things to eat which calms the bowel? Anyone got a magic wand?

I've been reading Dr Gillian McKeith's book again. She makes some good suggestions for combating loose stools and constipation - but the only trouble is, I don't know when I'm getting what. I could eat something to stop constipation, only to be having the squits that day anyway.

Another thing, I don't have a spleen. Well, I do, but it's withered. Gillian claims, in her book, that you can tell what's wrong with a person by looking at their tongue. Mine is often coated. She says this means you have a weak spleen. Yay! It's uncanny. One remedy is to take Bryonia, which I have been doing for the past week. I don't know what it's going to do to me, though. Watch this space. I did look it up on the internet and found that it seems to cure everything, it's something of a panacea. Gillian reckons she treats the cause, not the symptoms. Is there any food I can eat or medicine I can take that will make my spleen grow back?

I'm cheesed off. I don't want to be normal, heaven forefend, but I do want to be healthy.

Anyone reading this have IBS?

It's just struck me, I do talk a lot of shit.

Snake

Mary had a little snake
It wriggled in the grass
One day as she lay asleep
It slithered up her arse

Lamb

Mary had a little lamb
They liked to bend and flex
Mary liked to bend right down
Because the lamb loved anal sex

Mary

Mary had a little bike
She rode it back-to-front
And every time the wheel came off
A spoke went up her trouser leg

Separated at birth?

Swearing

Have just read on BBC News that the corportaion have got into trouble over swearing by performers, notably Our Glorious Leader, during the Live8 performances.

The performers were very passionate about the concerts and viewers should have expected emotional, rousing and hot-blooded language. Did people expect the stars to be nice and mumsy!?!?

What a load of crap. Five hundred people complained! Have these people got nothing better to do? I think someone should ring them up and swear at them extensively.

Our Glorious Leader wouldn't be Our Glorious leader without a few expletives. I love it when she says, "Fucking cunt!" You go girl!

Shaven Minge (part deux)

I just went into the garden to take this photograph of myself with the timer. Anything has to be better than the last one (remember, I looked stoned).

However, I don't think that this one is much better, only slightly. I look retarded.

Never mind, the beard is now gone and I think I look better for it.

BAFTA

Just been reading BBC news online and am as pleased as punch to read that Jake Gyllenhaal has won the BAFTA award for best supporting actor for his role as Jack Twist in my favourite movie of all time, Brokeback Mountain.

The movie was also named best film and Ang Lee won the award for best director. Very well deserved.

It's fabulous.

Celebdaq

Does anyone fancy playing Celebdaq? I used to play over a year ago, but lost interest when Paddy O'Connell disassociated himself with the concept. However, I've felt that spark again since Alan mentioned it on his blog.

For those still in the dark about the gayest of all online games, to play:

You're given ten thousand virtual pounds to trade in celebrities. Just invest in them as you would any other commodity. According to their trading, the share value rises and falls. Also, at the end of the week, you get given a dividend, according to how many column inches your celebrity or celebrities have accumulated.

It's fun and fabulous.

Alan's starting a new league. We used to feature in Sausage Stuffers United - but those days are gone. He's set a new one up called Bloggers Of The World Unite. If you want to be a part of it (go on, you know you want to), click here to see how.

I can't wait!

Drag

Honestly, I can't believe the level of freedom of expression people feel on blogs. Take, for example, my post entitled Minge, Alan and Dan. In the comments, Dan says he has more hair than the drag queens pictured and Alan says, "If that's meant to be me in the middle then I'm quite happy." - He's talking about an outrageous 60s-esque drag queen in a baby-doll dress.

Repression is a thing of the past!

Minge

Dert asked why I'm called Minge... So here's the story. Don't worry, it's not very long.

Quite some number of years ago, I was notorious for saying, "cunt!" rather a lot. So people started to call me this as a nick-name. Another pal thought this too rude, so I was re-christened Minge. If you're not from the UK, minge is a slightly dirty word that people use for the female genitals. A mother wouldn't say it to her child, it's not totally harmless, but it's mainly something children would use - and they think it's really dirty!

While I was looking for a photograph to go with this post, I found a Minge website. Click here to see it. It's fascinating. I also found another one ending in .org - sounded important, so I had a look. Again, click here to see that one! Oh, and I was wrong, it's not important at all!

Quizzed

I borrowed this from Alan's blog...

1. What time is it? 21:11

2. What is your Full name: Roy Michael Tapping, but you may call me Minge

3. What are you most afraid of: Strangers

4. What is the most recent movie that you've seen in a theatre: I've never seen a movie in a theatre, only in cinemas

5. Have you ever seen a ghost? A few times - my flat in Bournemouth was haunted

6. Where were you born? Boscombe

7. Favourite food? Tiramisu

8. Ever been to Alaska: No and have no desire to go

9. Ever been toilet paper rolling: What does that mean?

10. Loved someone so much it made you cry? Yes

11. Been in a car accident: Yes - a mini and it rolled right over!

12. Croutons or bacon bits: Veggie bacon bits, though Gillian wouldn't approve - she's always coming round here forcing nuts into my mouth

13. Favourite day of the week: Monday

14. Favourite Restaurant: Any restaurant in Japan

15. Favourite Flower: Nasturtium

16. Favourite sport to watch: Men's diving - gotta love those lycra swimming trunks!

17. Favourite Drink: Grapefruit juice

18 Favourite ice cream: Very expensive vanilla

19. Disney or Warner Brothers: Warner Brothers - Walt Disney was a Nazi

20. Favourite fast food restaurant : If I had to choose, it would be a fish and chip shop and I'd have white pudding and chips

21. How many times you failed your driver's test? Zero! ROFL!

22. Before this one, from whom did you get your last email: A guy called Graeme - he's just bought some postcards from me on ebay:

Hi Roy

If the rest are as good as the landlady card I know I will enjoy them. Actually the correct Edinburgh response to visitors (according to Glaswegians) is "You'll have had you tea!" pronounced in correct snooty accent.

This might amuse you. I worked overseas as an engineer for quite a bit of my working life, and at one time, going on leave, I promised to bring back some saucy postcards. Anyway, my wife and I went down to Lyme Regis for the day and I asked in a local seaside shop if they had any saucy postcards. You would have thought I asked the shop keeper to get her kit off, such was the shocked reaction. "We don't sell that sort of thing in Lyme Regis. Thankyou. Good day" And that was me put in my place. mcGill could have made a postcard out of the scene!

Graeme

23 . What do you do most often when you are bored: masturbate

24. Bedtime: when I'm tired. Usually about midnight or just after. I can't go to bed if I'm not tired. I just lay there for hours and end up getting up, having a cuppa and a fag!

25. Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest: I'm not emailing it to anyone! I pinched it from Alan! Someone may copy and paste it into their blog, je ne sais pas.

26. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? I'm not sending it to anyone, though if I did, no-one would respond. I used to forward these things all the time, but it was a waste of time, so I don't bother any more.

28. Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses??? If Shane, Dert, Dan, Michele, Gabby or CanaGal bunged it on their blogs, I'd love to see the results.

29. Favourite TV shows: You Are What You Eat, Ten Years Younger, How Clean Is Your House?, 10 O'clock News (with the delicious Huw Edwards) and Great Food Live

30. Ford or Chevy: Neither. I'd like a Jaguar Estate

31 What are you listening to right now: Electribe 101 - Talking With Myself (Canny Dub)

32. What are your favourite colours: Lilac or mauve

33. How many tattoos do you have? None

34. How many pets do you have? I have lots of pet hates, too many to list here. I have dogs, but they're not my pets, they're my daughters

35. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Whichever one had an orgasm first, I suppose

36. What would you like to accomplish before you die? I'd like to murder a few people or at least torture them

S-H-O-P-P-I-N-G

We went to the McArthur Glen shopping centre in Livingston today. I needed to buy some new trousers as all mine are too big! I've lost a shed load of weight recently and am now back to a 32" waist.

What a game I had. I love GAP, but they had nothing. Piles of jeans and last season's unwanted stock, but nothing for me. I refuse to go into M&S, so headed off to Next. Friggin' nightmare. All the wee cubes on the hangers were wrong! The number of times I picked up a nice pair of trousers or jeans that were supposed to be 32" regular, only to find they were 38" short or something bizarre like that, I just couldn't tell you. I eventually found one pair, so I went to try them on. But hey, they don't have a changing room. How ridiculous is that!?!?

So then we went for a walk around the store. I found a nice pair of grey casual trousers in Ted Baker and only twenty quid, 32" regular! Hey - and guess what? They had a changing room! So I bought them! I came out of the changing room to ask Phyllis for his advice, he wasn't there, but the lad seeing to the changing rooms was strutting about. "Oh," he said, "they look great." I was taken aback at his enthusiasm for a customer, until I saw him staring at my crotch, then realised why he was so enthusiastic. He thought he was going to go back with me into the changing room and have a wee lick of Mr Todger.

Sadly, they had no belts in Ted Baker (and I need one), so we decided to go back to Next to look at their belts. They had about eight, and were all naff. So that was that. Still, now sure of my new waist size, I was able to buy the pair of brown jeans I'd been admiring in Next. So it wasn't all bad.

Didn't see anyone famous - and I was convinced I'd see Dannii Minogue this weekend. Still, there are still a few hours to go until the weekend is over. She may yet call round for tea and crumpets.

Ooh, I haven't had a crumpet for ages. I love them, with salted butter and a nice cup of milky coffee, followed by a fag.

Christ, this diet is worse than going without sex. Sex? What's that again?

Liver

I made dog biscuits late this afternoon. How my poor darlings can eat them is beyond me. Making them has made the kitchen absolutely stink. But make them, I do, for my daughters love them, the bitches.

I got the recipe from a tiny wee book which I bought and paid £4.99 for, which I feel was a comple rip-off. To get my own back on the publishers for their exorbitant price, I shall reprint the recipe here:

500g raw lambs liver (sliced)
3 cups water
1 cup rice flour
1/4 cup porridge oats
1 cup rye flour
1 small bunch of parsley
2 garlic cloves (crushed)
2 tablespoons flax/linseed oil
I egg, beaten (you may include the shell if you wish)

1. Preheat the oven to 200ºc (180ºc fan)
2. Poach liver in three cups of water until it's no longer pink
3. Remove the liver and set aside, keeping the liver stock
4. Once cooled, place the liver, parsley, egg and 1/2 cup of the stock in your food processor and puree (give the rest of the stock to your dogs - they will love it!
5. Place all the other ingredients into a large bowl
6. Add the liver mixture and mix until a dough is formed.
7. Cut out into desired shapes and lay on a silicone paper lined baking tray
8. Bake for twenty five minutes
9. When the cooking time is over, leave the biscuits in the cooling oven over-night to become really crisp and crunchy

This recipe makes three to five dozen healthy dog treats. They will keep for up to two weeks in an airtight container in the refrigerator.

I feel like Barbara fucking Woodhouse, now.

Cooking

Phyllis is cooking tonight. We're having Quorn fillets with a tomato sauce served with sweet potato and sweetcorn.

Health, health, health, sweetie.

Shaven Minge

I actually shaved off my beard. I was going to ask what people thought, but I don't think I will as this photograph is hideous. I look drunk, stoned, or worse: both.

Still, I feel better, and I think, look younger.

Now all I need is a haircut.

A question for Hildert

Does Raaijmakers have a meaning? You know, like Smith comes from Blacksmith and Taylor is someone who makes clothes...

Tapping (my surname) is actually Danish. It comes from Taeppa. Long and complicated, but Minge is of a Royal Line! Taeppa was a King of a minor English kingdom well over a thousand years ago. I'd go into it in more detail, but this post isn't about me, it's about Hildert. Oh, another thing, do people call you Hildert or is there a shortened form of it?

Love Is A Catastrophe

Love is a catastrophe
Look what it’s done to me
Brought me down here so low
stranded, nowhere to go

No concentration
just rerunning conversation
Trying to understand
how I fell into this quicksand

What happens next?
With life I’m unimpressed
Pain like a cutter’s knife
Never been lonelier in my life

Who issued the instruction
for this mad act of destruction?
An end to equilibrium
Fate laughs:
Look what we’ve done to him!

High wind through the trees
Falling November leaves
A weak sun hanging low
Summer seems so long ago

All my former dreams
tender romantic schemes
revealed as so naive
To think I could believe

In love as the kindest law
not as a declaration of war
on my life and sanity
Now I know at last for me
love is a catastrophe

Tennant/Lowe

Minge, Alan and Dan

I've given Alan a good probing. It was fabulous. Thank you, hen!

Dan's made the right noises. I think he wants it, but is nervous. Go on, Dan, give in!

Anyone else up for it?

Dick and Dom

According to BBC News, Dick and Dom's In Da Bungalow will come to a final end when the current series finishes next month.

I'm gutted.

This is a complete travesty.

Alan gets probed

My wee pal, Alan, the bitch, has agreed to be interviewed by Minge. In doing so, he's agreeing to put up the questions along with the answers on his blog. He's also agreeing to offer an interview to the readership of his blog. Whomsoever he interviews must do the same as him, answer his questions on their blog and offer an interview to their readership and so on... So, without further ado, Alan gets probed:

1. What was life like in the Royal Navy and did civilian men like you in the uniform?
2. To whom did you first come out and what was it like? Before you came out, did you try and fit into the heterosexual world?
   
3. In your blog, you claim you're an actual bitch. I don't think you are. I think you're quite pleasant. Therefore, are you bi-bitchual? Are you more bitchy than pleasant or more pleasant than bitchy? Please use percentages.
4. Do you miss Armadale when you're not there? Furthermore, where's the best place on the planet that you've stayed and why?
5. You've told me that you, "Don't do love." Really? Are you playing hard to get with this Brazilian guy? Who's the love of your life? Would you rather have love in your life or material objects?

Thanks, hen. Really looking forward to reading your answers! Thanks also to my wee Dutch boy and Canagal, without whom, none of this would have been possible!

Travis

Strange fact: there's not actually anyone called Travis in Travis.

Jude

Theatrical tomcat Jude Law was breastfed until he was six!

Presumably to get him used to feeling a big tit for the rest of his life.

Posh