Leggy!

Praise Jesus!

The spectacle of Lady Mucca, amputee, activist, career girl (ahem) and estranged wife of Sir Paul McCartney, shaking a (prosthetic) leg on the USA television show Dancing with the Stars is shaping up to be the American TV hit of the spring.

Nearly 22 million Americans tuned in to watch Mills make a fool of herself. Yes, her wig fell off and her leg fell off along with her kinky boots.

Merle Oberon declined to comment. She's dead.

Bruno Tonioli thinks Heather's nuts. "You're nuts," he said.

Paul's not been watching. Stella has, though. Apparently, she's destroyed seventeen television sets (posh ones, too) by throwing bricks at them.

Tom Bergeron stole said leg after Heather's performance and is now selling it on ebay along with some of Britney's hair (though not hair from her head). He found it in her private portaloo while cleaning. TV doesn't pay so well, dear reader. Heather is very upset and dials 911 every thirty seconds claiming death threats. The police are considering turning her fantasies into reality.

Heather brings out her first studio album next month. It's called Dancing The Hop, so titled after Tom asked Dancing with the Stars producers what Heather could possibly do on the show.

The first single was going to be a cover of Sally Shapiro's I'll be by your side. However, this was recorded before Paul found out Heather was a hooker and fantasist. Watch this space for news of Heather's new single. Soon.