Pseudo-sluts

Sometimes, a picture speaks a thousand words. These speak millions.

What a shame I didn't take my camera up onto Alan's roof garden last night.

до побачення

We went to see Alan last night to wish him a bon voyage. It would be our last chance to see him before he jets off to The Ukraine. Stickola was also there along with Alan's new lodger, Kevin. Was that his name? I think so. I'm shit with names.

Lots of booze was drunk and fags smoked. Stickola and Alan were quite outrageous - which was fabulous. Be sure to watch my blog for photos of the wild event. I took my wig and Alan got his old Navy cap out. Both were put to good use.

I was quite sad when we left, but more upbeat knowing that he'll have a fabulous time where fags are twenty pence a packet and vodka is ten pence a shot.

Waitrose

Waitrose is coming to Edinburgh! Yay! Click here to read all about it.

It will be nice to go to a decent shop for a change. The supermarkets around my neck of the woods have the run of the roost and I just can't stand it.

You might have to pay a few pence more in Waitrose, but at least you get what you pay for. Go to Sainsbury's, pay extortionate prices and get rubbish. No more!

Haiku

It's Haiku Saturday. Click here to take part. You know you want to.

Wig

My niece is going to be eighteen years old in June. On the eighth, to be precise. She's having her birthday party on the Saturday before, which is the third. The third of June happens to be my birthday. I have no intention of stealing my niece's thunder. At any rate, when one gets to my age, hiding in a darkened room is much preferable to a party.

Anyway, I'll cut to the chase... Kathy, my niece, has demanded her party be a fancy dress party and the theme is "What or who did you want to be when you grew up?"

I wanted to be a female impersonator.

I have very fond memories of watching The Good Old Days with my Mum. I have no idea what time it was on, now, but I do remember feeling very privileged to stay up so late. My favourite performer was Danny La Rue. These were the days long before Boy George appeared on the scene and I was aghast to learn Danny was in fact a man. I seem to remember him taking his wig off at some point, not sure when, but that's when Mum told me he wasn't a lady at all.

The ideas of dressing up and pretending always appealed to me and, golly gosh, a guy like that could do both things at once. I'd never heard anyone say it was wrong for a man to wear female attire and it certainly didn't feel wrong to me. The only thing that was ever wrong about this was when I asked Mum if Audry next door was a man. You see, Audry was in the kitchen with Mum and I at the time. I ended the sentence with, "...you know, like Danny La Rue."

I had no idea anyone could have such fun in their chosen line of employment. Dressing up had always been a game. I didn't know you could make a career out of it.

My sisters had often dressed me up as Mary, from a very young age. I wore my sister Christine's patent leather shoes, Lorraine's baby-doll nighty, Mum's bed jacket and Mary's (that's where I got my name from) wig. Mary was a lady who lived in the flats down the road who'd had cancer. She also had a daughter called Christine, though this Christine had nothing to do with my sister Christine. I don't know why. Anyway, they'd dress me up as Mary and I'd walk down the stairs in my heels and lady-wear (without falling - no small feat when you're only four years old) appear at the kitchen door and announce that Mary had arrived. This usually happened when my Mother had friends in for a coffee and a natter. I really got a thrill when they turned to see this four year old boy in full drag, oh, and clutching a red toy dog under my arm. They would whoop or sometimes applaud, never giving looks of disapproval. Fabulous.

Oh, going back to that dog... It was actually a recepticle for my eldest sister, Lorraine, to keep her nighty in. Very camp, very fabulous. When he was tucked under my arm, he was Toto. I couldn't understand how Lorraine didn't have a name for him, poor thing... I wasn't Dorothy, sadly, though I longed to be. I was good at pretending, but even at that mere age, I was a perfectionist. I was only Mary because I was wearing Mary's wig. I could not be Dorothy without brown plaits, a gingham dress and ruby slippers. I knew my stuff.

Sometimes, when I felt particularly dramatic (which was often) I would hide, in drag, in the larder and burst out once all the women were assembled. My favourite audience was my Mum's sister, Barl; Aunty Holcroft (how many women have ever been called Aunty, suffixed with their surname?) and Nita, the insurance lady, who was also Mum's good pal. Nita's the only one who's still alive.

Dressing as a lady when you're a boy is a fabulous thing to do, I thought. I would love to do this when I'm a man.

Then, about two years later... I put on a show for Dad, again, in full drag, even make up. Ten seconds into my song, he told me to take all that rubbish off. I got really upset. I don't think I ever dressed up as Mary again.

I never told another soul what I wanted to do when I grew up.

That was, until I saw Madonna on Top Of The Pops. It must have been 1985 - I think. I was about thirteen years old, I remember. She wasn't live on the show, they were playing the video to Like A Virgin. She was writhing around in what appeared to be a wedding dress. This, and this alone revived my interest in drag. Not only did I want to dress up as a woman, but I wanted to dress up as Madonna. Not easy when you're a shy teenager with no confidence, so it never happened.

But now I have my chance.

I don't know what age I was when I didn't care any longer about the opinions of others. I don't think that this has actually happened, really, I mean, I do worry about what others think of me, but dressing up as a lady now would not bother me because, to be frank, I don't think anyone gets upset over seeing a man in a dress these days. Or do they? I suppose, some people do, but no-one springs to mind, certainly no-one whom I would worry about upsetting.

Ignore that last paragraph. I think I was in rambling mode.

Anyway, now I have my chance. As soon as Kathy asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, two images flashed into my mind: Danny La Rue in Edwardian costume and Madonna in a wedding dress.

So, for the party, I'm not actually going to dress up as an Edwardian lady or a bride, no, but as Madonna in the Hung Up video (sort of). Why this? It's because of the Con Loli woman. Her version of Hung Up is even better than Our Glorious Leader's. See it here. By the way, if there are any Spanish speakers here, do you know what she's actually singing? Is it true to the original lyric? And what the hell does con loli mean?

The photograph at the top of the page is actually me trying on the wig I'm to wear to the party. It arrived today. I bought it only yesterday on ebay. Ian took the photo without my knowledge. There are more posey ones, but I like this photograph. It's dark and mysterious, like me. Yeah, right.

Oh, gosh, wearing the wig is fabulous. I'm now hairy Minge. I haven't had hair to play with for the best part of a decade. I'm so excited.

I can't wait for the pink leotard and leg-warmers to arrive. I already have the shoes. I'm going into the city tomorrow to buy the tights. I think I'll get gold ones.

Madge

Blogger is mucking about and won't let me upload any images... Gggrrr...!

Anyhow, this morning, I managed to book two tickets to see Our Glorious Leader on 3rd August at the Wembley Arena! Yay! Not so yay is the fact that we're right at the back in block D3. Click here to see our bastard seats. I would have uploaded the seating plan to save you bothering with another site, but, as I said, Blogger is being naughty.

I'm really cheesed off. Last time, I think, we were in Block 14. This is a bit of a come down. I'm in half a mind to call Madge up now and complain. God knows, she's always bombarding me with telephone calls, asking me if she should dump Stuart Price, work with Pete Waterman or do a duet with Dannii Minogue... I'm sick of it to be honest. I just tell her to do what she wants. However, that always leads to the same thing, "I want to duet with you, Minge!" so I think I'll change tack. She'll need singing lessons if she wants to sing anything with me.

Oh, Christ, the telephone's ringing again. It'll be Phil Oakey - for the fifteenth time today. He wants to do a cover of Wannabe. I'm trying to put him off. I can't really see him singing zig a zig ah with any level of sincerity or credibility, can you?

Fag

Smoking update:

I just had a fag. Barely lasted seventy two hours.

Och well... At least I tried. And I will try again. I promise.

Diva

This is so gay: I've put a knitting pattern up for sale on ebay. Click here to see it.

Knitting, dolls, pink... All gay. But, stop! Get this, she's a disco diva!!!

I'm laughing so hard that my jaw aches.

Smoking

It's now just about twenty four hours since I've had a fag.

I feel like screaming. I wish I could say I'm determined, but I'm not. If someone offered me one now, I'd take it and smoke it and enjoy it.

Ian's taking it all in his stride. He's acting quite normally, quite rationally, but his normality is winding me up. See how nicotine messes with your head! Everything he says and does seems to be some kind of tease, though, to be frank, it's not. It's me, not him. I'm the one in a mess.

How am I going to get through this? I certainly won't turn to food. I'm fat enough as it is. I'm not going to sit here scoffing high fat, high sugar, high calorie fodder, just to keep my mouth busy. Jesus, I can keep my mouth busy doing more interesting things - like talking! But there's no-one to talk to. Ian's watching some bizarre docu-soap on BBC2 called The Armstrongs. They are a ridiculous couple, in business, out to make a tit of themselves. I'd sit and watch it, but my patience is at an all time low - plus the fact my IBS is giving me hell. Must be the combination of giving up the fags and the stress that I'm causing myself in doing so. See, fags are healthy! I wouldn't have belly ache if I had a fag! It must be something to do with all the vitamins in them.

Oh, aren't smokers full of shit!? And do you non-smokers out there tire of the way we try to fool ourselves all the time?

Answers on a postcard please...

Incidentally, I saw Fantabulosa this morning. My brother recorded it on DVD for me, but our recorder doesn't like +RW DVDs so I had to watch it on my trusty iMac. Kenneth Williams also had IBS, though it seems in those days they called it a Spastic Colon. I always thought I was slightly spastic. Now, it seems, it's confirmed. You should see me running. Think about that one for a while.

Flu

The first case of avian flu has been found in the UK - in Fife, no less, just across the Firth of Forth, about a twenty minute drive from here. Where exactly, I'm not sure. Click here to read the news story on the BBC News website.

I'm not a sensationalist and not one who's often whipped up into a frenzy, but please, keep your pets away from wild birds and stop eating poultry and poultry products. Chuck out your eggs - NOW!

Photo

Ok, no more Guernsey photographs, I promise. This is the last.

This is me, near Castle Cornet, which was bloody well shut, along with Victor Hugo's house and the German Occupation Museum. Shame the tourist office forgot to tell me everything shuts for the winter when I rang for the opening times.

Botty?

Another photograph from Guernsey, this time, I think, of Petit Bôt. We were on our way there, walking down the cliff paths. There were several beaches in front of us, but I think this is the one we ended up at.

I have no idea what Bôt means, but guessed it means bottom, ass, arse, botty. It probably means bay - but I don't care. I refuse to look it up and I refuse to be proved wrong.

A day at the Little Botty sounds fabulous and a dream come true for any gay.

When we got there, a wee Portuguese man was found there, running a café. I had garlic bread (though it was actually something rather long winded in Portuguese on the menu) and my friend Paul had a tuna/mayo baguette. He had a tea and I had a coffee. It was fabulous and the Portuguese man seemed to fancy me. Extraordinary, I know. I had no idea the Portuguese were into tuna/mayo baguettes either.

K

This is a photograph of me taken in Guernsey - High Street, St Peter Port, to be precise. Click on the image for a larger version.

You'll see I'm stood outside a wee shop, called, oddly, Miss Nob. Shame the sign writer forgot the K.

Fags

You simply have to take a look at this blog! Everything on there is totally yummy and I believe it's helping me take my mind off of the fact that I haven't had a fag in seventeen hours!

I feel like ripping my face off, but, hey ho, life goes on.

I've got these bizarre nicotine pastilles. They seem to work to a certain degree, but I still miss having a draw and the headrush.

Help!

Thought

Thought for the day:

Life is like a canape. It can be over in one gulp unless you take time to chew.

123456

You MUST click here.

I had no idea.

Haiku

Brian is fabulous. Once a week he presents Haiku Saturday. Check out Hi You To Haiku! to find out what it's all about.

I've just taken part. This was my offering:

Rodeo clowns are
Men's men, in a butch climate
Afraid of full drag

Pi

This is Pi. Isn't it pretty?

If Pi were a place, where would it be?

If Pi were a name, who's would it be?

If Pi were a time, when would it be?

If Pi were an animal, what would it be?

If Pi were a disease, how would you catch it?

Help

Help, lost at sea, drowning, swimming with sharks, up shit creek without a paddle, treading water: all nautical euphemisms for distress or distressing situations.

Why such a huge correlation between the sea and ordeals of the body, heart and mind?

The sea, like life, is a beautiful yet dangerous place to be.

Keep this to yourselves, but sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with no sight of land. I shout for help in the full knowledge that no-one can hear me. Just shouting, "Help!" makes me feel better. Knowing that no-one will come makes me feel better still.

The thought of explaining to anyone how I got into this situation fills me with horror.

Cyndi

I'm really in love with Cyndi Lauper's new album, The Body Acoustic. My favourite track is All Through The Night. As you might imagine, it's an acoustic version of her classic hit, well, if not totally acoustic, more raw, more edgy... And it features Shaggy! I actually hate Shaggy (even though he's delicious), but his presence here really works!

Of course, there's always a downside and every silver lining has a cloud. I can't find the lyrics to the new version (featuring Shaggy) on the internet anywhere! If anyone can help me out here, tell me what he's actually rapping/singing, I'd be very grateful.

Stupid

The new Pet Shop Boys single, I'm with Stupid, is released here in the UK on 8th May.

But (my English teacher would never forgive me for starting a sentence with "but") you can hear it now, simply by logging onto the official Pet Shop Boys site.

When listening to it, imagine it's Tony Blair singing about George W Bush.

It's fabulous.

Oh-oh, I'm with Stupid
Oh-oh, I'm with Stupid

See you on the TV
Call you every day
Fly across the ocean
Just to let you get your way
No one understands me
Where I'm coming from
Why would I be with someone
who's obviously so dumb?
Love comes
Love grows
every time you rise to meet me
take my hand to greet me
Love comes
Love grows
and power can give a man
much more than anybody knows

Oh-oh, I'm with Stupid
Oh-oh, I'm with Stupid
Oh-oh, I'm with Stupid
Oh-oh, I'm with Stupid

Before we ever met
I thought like everybody did
you were just a moron
a billion-dollar kid
You flew up all the way
like a hawk chasing a dove
I never thought that I would be
a sacrifice in love
It comes
It grows
and now we're tied together
everybody knows

Oh-oh, I'm with Stupid
Oh-oh, I'm with Stupid
Oh-oh, I'm with Stupid
Oh-oh, I'm with Stupid

Is stupid really stupid
or a different kind of smart?
Do we really have a relationship
so special in your heart?

Oh-oh, I'm with Stupid
Oh-oh, I'm with Stupid

I have to ask myself
like any lover might:
Have you made a fool of me?
Are you not Mr Right?
You grin
I pose
It's not about sincerity
Everybody knows

Oh-oh, I'm with Stupid
Oh-oh, I'm with Stupid
Oh-oh, I'm with Stupid
Oh-oh, I'm with Stupid

Is stupid really stupid
or a different kind of smart?
That's how you stole my heart
I'm with Stupid

Fundamental

Fabulous... The image above is the cover for the new Pet Shop Boys' album. I just can't wait. Click the image for a larger version.

Madonna!

Our Glorious Leader is going on tour!

She'll be strutting her stuff in London in August, so expect to see Minge there. Will you be going?

Click here or here to read more!

Back

In honour of Smash Hits (RIP), I'm back, back, back etc.

I've just come back from a fortnight away in the south of England and in Guernsey. My friend Paul and I drove down to Bournemouth, on to Plymouth and back with my Mum and then we flew off to Guernsey from Southampton airport. If it weren't for me having a cold, it would have been fabulous.

I saw it coming, like a big, strong arm. It got me in a headlock and there was no escape.

Thankfully, I'm over it now, albeit for the snoring.

I have no plans nor desire to go into the ins and outs of my sojourn because, quite frankly, it's boring, but I will say this: travelling with someone miserable, disinterested in life, bigotted and generally a moaner, does not make for a fun experience.

The picture I've attached to this post is of Castle Cornet in Guernsey which I took last week. The colour of the sea is staggering. I really wanted to go in for a swim, but at my age and with by body being in the state it's it, skinny-dipping was not an option.

I'm back at home now, in Edinburgh, with too much to do than I can cope with.

Brakes

I'm going too fast.

I've got no brakes on my roller skates.

10

I pinched this from Alan's Blog and replaced his answers with my own. His responses are far funnier and much more interesting than mine. Check his out here.

1. If you were to choose a new name for yourself, what would it be?
Lucy Knuff

2. If you were given an extra £10 in change at Molton Brown, what would you do with it and why?
I'd spend it on fags because I'm predictable.

3. What's the biggest lesson you've learnt from your past relationships?
That most men are cunts.

4. What's one of your worst habits?
Picking my nose or biting my nails.

5. What was the best day of the past week for you - why?
Monday - because everyone is pissed off at the new working week and I'm laying in bed deciding if I should get up or listen to Woman's Hour.

6. What are you wearing today which is most reflective of who you are
White CK briefs because I'm a sexy little mother fucker.

7. Choose a unique item from your wallet and explain why you carry it around.
My credit card - because I'm sometimes broke.

8. If you could change one thing about your physical appearance what would it be and why?
I'd have a hair transplant because bald is not beautiful.

9. Share one of your most embarrassing moments.
I once sent a really good friend a picture of me doing a wee-wee by mistake.

10. If you were given a million pounds and 24 hours to spend it on, (no depositing it in the bank or investing it) what would you buy?
I'd buy a solid gold toilet and pay someone to wipe my arse.

Mother

My Mum's been up for a week with her little friend, Pat.

We've had a fabulous time, visiting historical hotspots in Edinburgh, like the castle and The Palace of Holyroodhouse, shopping until we dropped and generally having a fun time.

We also took a wee trip to Inverness from where we went on an excursion to Urquhart Castle, took a wee cruise on Loch Ness (didn't see the monster) and made our presence felt in Drumnadrochit at the Loch Ness Monster Visitor Centre. While in Inverness, we stayed at the Royal Highland Hotel. It was fabulous, namely because the famous staircase on the Titanic was based on the staircase at this wonderful hotel. We did lots of rôle play. I was Rose and either my Mum or Pat was Jack.

I've had a really nice time with Pat and Mother. I really miss my Mum - but I'm lucky in that although she's going back to Bournemouth tomorrow, I'm going too. I'll spend two weeks with her, travelling on to Guernsey and Plymouth before returning to Edinburgh. I wish she was coming back with me.

Mum's legs, hips and back get worse and worse. Each time I see her, she's in more pain and has more difficulty walking, so much so, that this time, she ended up in an old-biddy-buggy at Urquhart Caslte. Still, she had a good laugh in it (when she nearly crashed and nearly ran two Japanese tourists over) as did Pat and I.

I don't think I'll be able to blog for about a fortnight. I've really missed it this week while Mum's been up and I know I'll miss it even more desperately over the next two weeks.

Incidentally, The Body Acoustic by Cyndi Lauper arrived today. It's fekkin' fabulous. Everyone should own a copy of this CD. Play it and think of Minge.

Records

This week, according to iTunes, I have mostly been listening to:

You Won't Forget About Me (radio edit) - Dannii Minogue
Jump - Madonna
Someday I'll Find You - Shola Ama/Craig Armstrong
Forbidden Love - Madonna
Get Together - Madonna
Don't Wanna Lose This Groove - Dannii Minogue
Voyage Voyage - Desireless
An Architect's Dream - Kate Bush
Female Trouble - Edith Massey
I Don't Wanna Be Your Friend - Cyndi Lauper

I've just been listening to Above The Clouds on Cyndi's website. It's wonderful.

JP

It's Jean Pierre's birthday today. Happy birthday, honey!

Point

Thought for the day:

When you point the finger, there are three fingers pointing back at you.

But enough of that. You want another word. This time, it's: dove. You should have three words now. Make sure you've written them all down. We're nearly getting to the end...!

Albums

I was just updating my iPod and noticed it's two thirds full. Yikes! What am I going to do if I fill it up? So I started looking at things I could remove and have been considering burning lots of tracks to CD.

I saw things I'd forgotten I had, saw things that made me smile and things that make me sad. Also, looking through the songs, I was inspired to make a list of my top ten albums, not for any reason, just for the hell of it:

1. Pet Shop Boys - Behaviour
2. Billie Ray Martin - 18 Carat Garbage
3. Madonna - Ray Of Light
4. Madonna - Confessions On A Dancefloor
5. Pet Shop Boys - PopArt
6. Kylie Minogue - Light Years
7. Saint Etienne - Finisterre
8. Army Of Lovers - Glory, Glamour and Gold
9. Kate Bush - Aerial
10. Dolly Parton - Little Sparrow

Not very interesting, is it!?!? It'll probably change tomorrow, anyway.

Vile

I've just been looking at Statcounter...

Apparently, these are the keywords which bring people to my blog:

	Num	Perc.	Search Term
	2	33.33%	daz sampson teenage life meaning
	1	16.67%	ain't got no money shoes skirt sweater perfume mind free
	1	16.67%	england 16?? minge
	1	16.67%	jade goodie shaves
	1	16.67%	daz sampson eurovision download
	6	100.00%

Jade Goodie shaves??? Vile.

Polyester

I woke up this morning with a mouth like a cardboard box, feeling like I had the flu. I was depressed. What could possibly cheer me up?

A trip to the DVD cupboard soon gave me the answer. A good dose of Polyester.

I don't feel much better, but I am happier.

Polyester is an amazing movie, a melodrama, a trash-fest, a comedy. The original desperate housewife, Francine Fishpaw, as played by Divine, is in the midst of crisis after crisis. To say her family is dysfunctional would be the understatement of the year, if not the century. Her husband farts in bed and is having an affair with his secretary, as played by Mink Stole. Her daughter only goes out with punks and her son has a foot-stomping fetish. To top it all, her Mother is an utter bitch. Her only friend in the world, Cuddles, her former cleaner, as played by Edith Massey saves her - in every way a woman can be saved! Also, check out the Edith Massey Yahoo!group. Oh, and the Mink Stole Yahoo!group.

The daughter gets pregnant so Francine throws her into a home for unmarried Mothers. Check out one of the nuns - it's Mary Vivian Pearce! Francine can sure sniff out trouble, and once she's kicked the booze, everything's perfect. Or is it? You'll have to watch it to find out.

This film is so twisted, it makes me feel normal. I'll have to do something about that.

What a wonderful movie. It certainly deserves a standing ovulation!

Burger

Think

Think about everything.

Now, ask yourself this:

Was it really worth it?

Eurovision

I've just watched Making Your Mind Up on BBC1. We're sending Daz Sampson to Athens in May to represent us in the Eurovision Song Contest!

To be honest, Daz was the best of a bad bunch. I had a hunch he would win, even up against the likes of Antony Costa and Kym Marsh. So what gave him the edge? In my humble opinion, his was the only memorable song among the lot of them. The rest were instantly forgettable. The Lyrics to Teenage Life are ridiculous, but the song is so catchy, you can't help but prick up your ears. Of course, I was humming it within minutes of the show being over whilst walking the dogs - and something hit me. No, not a nun on a motorbike... The song, in parts, sounds like Dido's Thank You. If you get to hear it, please let me know if you agree in the comments. Is it just me? I don't think so.

Will we win in Athens? No. I'd put money on it. We really have to start trying much harder. Who picks the six finalists for Making Your Mind Up and are they deaf, blind and mute? Why are no big stars up for the job? Too afraid of failure? I guess so.

I'd love to see Madonna and Kylie do a duet for Eurovision with the music provided by Pet Shop Boys. Very eurodisco. Would we win then? You betcha!

At least we're sending someone with something original. Practically all of last year's entries were horribly formulaic. Every song seemed to be a cross between Sertab's Every Way That I Can and Russlana's Wild Dances.

I've no idea what the quality of the songs will be this year, but I'm not hopeful.

Click here to see a list of past winners. Who will be added to the list for 2006?

Divine

I've just read that John Travolta will be taking on the part of Edna Turnblad (as previously played by Divine) in the new musical version of the movie Hairspray!

Click here to read the full story.

First off, I thought this was awful, but, hey, I'm so fickle, now I think it's fabulous! I thought John Travolta was some kind of religious nut. I had no idea he'd ever contemplate wearing a dress or appearing in a John Waters film. John Waters is behind this latest version of the movie, right!? Answers on a postcard, please...!

Word

Just visited One Word (thanks Voix and Brian).

It's fun - and quite simple. You're given a single word and have sixty secods to write about it. I'd copy and paste my effort here, but it's too gross.

ANH

We're going on an ANH - an all nippon holiday!

Booked this lunchtime...!

I can't believe it! I'm so excited, I'm a wee bit erect! No, really!

I just don't know what to do with myself. I think I might have to breathe into a paper bag!

Air tickets for travel

From To Flight Date Dep. Arr.

Edinburgh Copenhagen SK9735 05/SEP/06 07:05 09:55
Copenhagen Tokyo Narita SK983 05/SEP/06 15:45 09:35 1Day Later
Tokyo Narita Copenhagen SK984 26/SEP/06 11:45 16:15
Copenhagen Edinburgh SK9738 26/SEP/06 19:45 20:40

Air tickets for travel

From To Flight Date Dep. Arr.

Tokyo Haneda Okinawa JL1927 06/SEP/06 15:50 18:20
Okinawa Tokyo Haneda JL1900 11/SEP/06 08:30 10:50

Aaaggghhh!

Records

This week, according to iTunes, I have mostly been listening to:

It should have been me - Yvonne Fair
One more try (Rollo & Sister Bliss radio edit) - Kristine W
Someday I'll find you - Shola Ama/Craig Armstrong
You won't forget about me - Dannii Minogue
Fighting spirit - Madonna
I don't want to be your friend - Cyndi Lauper
Future lovers - Madonna
Get together - Madonna
Sorry (PSB Maxi-mix) - Madonna
I don't want to talk about it - Everything But The Girl

It's been a bit of a Madge week.

Snow!

It's been snowing!

Yay!

I have been out for a couple of walks with the dogs since it stopped and it's totally fabulous. I love the way the freshly laid snow creaks under foot. Mary loves to eat it. Meg has no interest in it whatsoever.

I'd make a snowman, but I'd feel a complete tit.

Line

I sat in the garden today, in the sunshine, wondering what my favourite line is from all the books that I've read over the years.

I soon came to a conclusion.

It's nothing highbrow or scientific, it isn't a classic and it's not something your English Literature master might have encouraged you to read. It's George's Marvellous Medicine by Road Dahl. The line? Oh yes, it's this (a description of George's Grandmother):

She had pale brown teeth and a small puckered up mouth, just like a dog's bottom.

That line never ceases to raise a smile on my face.

Experience

Now I'm a certain age, I can see things for what they really are and feel I'm able to talk, with experience, about life, death, success, failure, love, hate, fact, fiction, hope, fear, rise and fall. I can talk about finding a niche in life, where we belong, opportunism, running away, sticking with things, being true to yourself, knowing what's inside your heart, what's inside your head, how to make a success of life and how to totally fuck it up. I can talk about grace, emptiness, hardship, ecstasy, relationships, notoriety, solitude, secrets, what's forbidden and what's allowed. I know about compromise, being used, using people, sex, secrets, beauty, ugliness, selfishness, control, freedom and religion.

I'm not religious at all, but I've always found this prayer very useful:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I've never found this prayer useful at all:

Hail Mary
Full of Grace
The Lord is with thee
Blessed art thou among women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus
Holy Mary
Mother of God
Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of death

I've seen life's highs and lows and feel able to give advice, based not on intuition, but on facts. I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet here, I'd rather be an innocent child seeking advice than a middle aged man, giving it. I suppose we all come to this realisation when we're in our middle years, right!?

Now here's the rub: when I was sixteen, I neither sought nor took advice from older people - so what sixteen year old is either going to listen to me or seek my advice? Experience of life may teach you many things, but the only person to learn by these successes and mistakes is you! The paradox, then, is that by the time you've learnt how to do it, it's too late. When you know how to live life, you've either done it, or it's over.

Life is pointless.